(revised)
I want to hold you through the night
under clouds of smoke
amidst your alcoholic
haze. Mumbling into the wind
like a letter in a bottle
to be whisked away to lovers
by the sea:
you are not alone.
I want to discover your body
like a fossil, fragile
brush strokes revealing
suprises, shivers,
with each layer of dust
and dermis removed until
the pieces fit, I've reached the core,
and we fly away to the stars,
the sunset, on rays of oranges
and pinks like the pills in our palms,
the drinks in our stomachs-- pores
oozing 40 proof sweat from extraterrestrial
debauchery and illicit adventures. Sink
into the grass with me, dig your toes
in deep and keep your hands and feet
inside at all times, safety bar up
at your own risk.
A contest entry
- Make me feel again by lilblueeyesmine1978.
300 points, ended March 23, 2008, 62 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Hit me with EVERYTHING. PW OK! by z etoile.
375 points, ended March 28, 2008, 56 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Invite For... Non winners Judged by RedwingSpirit.
475 points, ended April 3, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Maddness by GypsyEyes.
450 points, ended May 14, 2008, 46 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Is the new form any better?
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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damn this is good. god i wish i8 could write like you. your words seem to flow so smothly how do u do that? lol practice or just really good talent im guessing.
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oh i really like this poem! it is very descriptive! thank you so much for entering my contest and i wish you the best of luck! NineTailedFox
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i like the poem i don't understand some of it but it was good!!
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OOH this was a sexy poem! I liked it a lot. I like the title I just called to hear your voice that was cool; great opener! Thank you for entering the contest!
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Beautiful
I love this poem it's absolutely beautiful. I really like your style it's not so much simplistic as choosing your words very carefully and fitting them together in a most complementary manner allot of poets these days seem to have trouble doing that (myself included at times) and I don't know what else I can say but please never put down the pen till you feel you've said everything you have to say
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this paints such a wonderful mental picture that i can almost see every move and feel the sensation of the love shared here. thanks so much for hsaring and good luck
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I enjoyed this poem very much. I like the fact that pretty much each stanza can be read seperatly from the whole creating individual poems. I think that feel of the piece is portrayed very well.
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Hi Just one comment...4th stanza..Later should read Layer..?
Otherwise a great write...I enjoyed the read..
Simon
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Thank you.
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You manage to capture the disturbing and the illicit very well in this. I think the metaphors work rathr well, and particularly liked the space ship / amusement park ride comparison in the last verse.
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Oh wow. Of course I was first drawn in by the title of this poem, and I have to say, I wasn't disappointed! It's...different, and I love that about it. It's got so many ways that it could be interpreted I think, and so many hidden meanings hidden between the lines. I love it
Different, original, fantastic.
Good luck in the contest! You totally deserve the win
Later,
xx
V/E
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Oh. This is a nice little poem that you have penned in here. I liked the title that you for this one and it made me want to click on it. I'm pretty sure I didn't follow all your metaphors but I was still able to figure out what was going on. I liked how you talked about your interest for someone in a very different way. I liked the way that you expressed yourself here.
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this is beautiful!
you used imagery to define your concept; i could only wish of doing that as well as you did.
well penned, thanks for sharing!
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I have to agree with the others, that a little tightening up would make this a better poem..basicly make it more form fitting to read even though it is freeverse..otherwise, it is very well written and emotionally firm with its descriptions.
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haze
Hello there.
I like the way you have written this free-verse poem about an alcoholic haze. The long, enjambed lines work well and I like the poetic devices you use:
Mumbling into the wind like a
letter in a bottle to be whisked away to lovers by the sea:
and this simile:
I want to discover your body like a fossil
It is interesting that both these similes relate to things long gone, almost as if the poem touches on a very, very, age-long problem.
The poem seems to jump around a bit, but is in fact tightly focused.
Awesome the way you have captured the dysfunctional atmosphere.
Have a creative day,
BJ.
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I like the emotion and imagery in this poem. However I kinda feel like the poem was kind of jumping around alot if you under stand what I mean. I kind of makes it difficult to stay intrested in piece. I believe form would help refine this piece. As I said the emotion and imagery was well written, no you just gotta capture all of that in organize it into a form and you'll have a tight poem. Keep me posted on this piece will you?
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This is good and really do like it, but ts nott in poem form and that kinda annoys me and makes it less interesting to read, witht my short attention span.
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This definitely is poem form. Note the line breaks. But I'm sorry it couldn't hold your attention. Anything in particular about it that could have been improved?
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Beautiful imagery!
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