Remember me when I am dead...
for it is me...
whom stayed devoted to you
like no other known before
Until my last breath...
I worshipped you like a God
my heart may not beat anymore
but my soul lives on in you
so when you feel a gust of wind
just know it is me
coming to whisper in your ear...
reminding you of a love
that once and always will be
memories etched in time.
Author notes
Username:SUNFLOWERS21573 / I chose option # 3
A contest entry
- Index of First Lines by Keith.
525 points, ended March 29, 2008, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Contest by NoUseForAName.
600 points, ended March 19, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites by aeolia.
400 points, ended October 26, 2008, 130 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - wake me up and let me know you're alive by Weetzie bat.
850 points, ended July 25, 2008, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ** *INSPIRE ME PLEASE>> EVERYONE ENTER!!!*** by PrInCeSs AnAsTaCiA.
400 points, ended August 24, 2008, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Enter your favorite poem that hasn't won anything by whispernthedark.
745 points, ended October 4, 2008, 73 entries
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500 points, ended November 23, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I want readers to give me honest feedback and any suggestions you may have.
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Such a sad poem, no one want to be forgotten and i hope no one is when they pass on to the next life...good luck.
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No one wants to be forgotten, that is a horrible thought. Great write, thank you for entering the contest. Good luck.
♥
whisper
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lovely write hun
i wish you all the best in the contest
much love and take care,
vanna -
beautiful imagery here, the whole piece is beautiful, thanks for entering and best of luck
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i love the message in this one. the imagery is there. and the fact that it's short but still gets the message across is great. thank you for entering my contest
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"for it is mine ownself" -- This feels really awkward. Perpaps you mean "mine own self" ("my own self" is acceptable, too, and less forcibly archaic), or maybe "it is I." Try not to force archaism; if you struggle too much with it, don't do it, at least not yet. Go read some Renaissance writings, note the conventions, and try the style when you're familiar with it. If you ever need any help, feel free to send me a message.
"whom stayed devoted to you" -- who.
A lot of this felt cliche, and honestly, I've seen this type of poem all over the place. It's like your average poem in newspaper obituaries, except less polished. I do applaud you for the effort and relatability factor, though.
I'm wondering why you gave up the archaic diction of the first two lines in favour of modern, bland diction. For aesthetic reasons, you may wish to keep it consistent. Also, this feels like it lacks an author; naturally, it does have one, but any original, powerful presence that could have been here was muted by all the conventions of "I'm dead and looking over you" poetry and a lack of poetic devices.
-hiraeth
PS: Let me know if you edit. I'd love to see this polished. -
i really love the detials you have put into this wonderful poem, i love how you are the wind coming to whisper in an ear, its a beautiful poem with a great flow keep up the wonderful writing, ~Amy
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Good poem, though I'm not sure of the syntax of "It is thine ownself who stayed devoted to you" Should it not be "mine ownself?" Anyway, the whole thing is quite effective.
You might care to read the original. It's a WW2 poem by Keith Douglas called Simplify Me When I'm Dead. He was killed in Normandy in 1944.
http://website.lineone.net/~nusquam/simplify.htm
Thanks for entering.
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