You were my lover..
You were my bestfriend...
You betrayed me...
You throwed razors at me...
You sliced my left wrist...
You sliced my right wrist..
Both of my wrists were bleeding...
Blood was flowing from both of my wrists...
And gently touched the floor...
And I was dying...
When you were leaving...
A contest entry
- Step outside the box.......... by Lavender Butterfly.
390 points, ended March 15, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pain In Poetry by Jadis Blade.
450 points, ended April 11, 2008, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - My Hands Feel Like They're Rusting [A.w.a.y.] ♥ by SarahEatsAirplane.
900 points, ended April 30, 2008, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - What Hurts The Most by Ignis Corpus.
750 points, ended April 20, 2008, 58 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - emo poetry that doesnt suck. by risewiththesmoke.
436 points, ended June 25, 2008, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Emotions Crying Out {Options} by newnoakua.
550 points, ended June 16, 2008, 92 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - wake me up and let me know you're alive by Weetzie bat.
850 points, ended July 25, 2008, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - vent it out 2! by Lsh-x.
300 points, ended August 29, 2008, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
-
I agree, you're somewhat stating the obvious when you say both my wrists are bleeding. If you added more vocabulary and upgraded your grammar, this could be a fascinating write.
Nice job.
Good luck in the contest, thanks for entering. -
i get what you were going for but I believe you could've fleshed it out a bit more, and where you have "throwed razors at me" it should be "threw razors at me" I also don't think that the line "both of my wrists were bleeding" because it just brings the reader back to that old saying of "if you cut us, don't we bleed?" so that line is like an over statement of the two previous lines. I believe if you added onto this poem it could take you in a really positive direction and away from being possibly extremely cliche. thank you for entering my contest
-
This poem is pretty good although I don't really like how you say "you was" that's not very good grammar. Good luck in the contest...
-
thanks for entering
-
Oh goodness. I really enjoyed reading this piece. I wish you the best of luck in this contest.
Beautifuldisasterxx -
the way you set the words was nice, it showed the pain well... good job. i thought it was thoughtful how you put it so plainly...
good luck. -
This is deeply emotional driven and quite detailed... x Thanks ever so much for sharing and many blessings to you too. Lavender Butterfly.
-
The sentiments of this poem display that of a heart that is breaking and needing to feel they are loved. The expression in words within this poem describe a gradual loss of feeling the security of a relationship as it slowly dies. a very sad write indeed. (HM)
-
Thank you...
Feel so bad when I think of him..
I think he wants me to die slowly...
Far away this heart...
I still love him...
-
Wow, this is such a raw and emotional write. You have done so well here to express the pain and anguish of this poem. Well done.
Adding your comment:
1 - 10 of 10
