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Dreams float in the empyrean- to fly;
but what aristocratic wings shall I wear
if dreams evolved in Father Time's reality?
A butterfly- pygmy wings fluttering divinely,
fleeting onto each blooming blossoms,
and concocting birthdays for a bountiful garden.
But when tempestuous cyclones meet a touch
of its flight's essence, a paralleled lifetime is born.
I shall not be a butterfly.
A dove- one of the elegant fowls;
To fly with soft wings, to carry an olive branch
and to deliver, sprinkle peaceful auras to the world.
But battlefields are rising, lives are taken away
if love can't cease the endless war then what can a dove do?
I shall not be a dove, too.
A fairy- showers magical dusts
on innocent youngsters when they slumber
and soon, children can glide onto the air, too.
But people named Fairytales after them: "I don't believe in fairies."
a puncture to one's heart, the inner incandescence disappears.
I shall not be a fairy then.
An angel- an elegant, courageous stature to the world.
Born from heaven, they cleanse guilty hearts with God's alms.
For these, smiles exist and tears of joy flow.
But I commit recycled sins; a guardian angel beside me
but also a treacherous demon behind me.
I shall not be an angel, unfortunately.
Maybe men invented aerial, scientific wings
for creating realistic wings can trigger consequences.
Maybe having these wings aren't just dreams
but also a part of nightmare's cobwebs . . .
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Author notes
Foreverlastingcoma
Maybe I am one of those people who dream to have wings =]
But maybe these kind of dreams don't come true for good reasons, anyway-
maybe more on applicable reasons.
EDIT: ok, I edited this thanks to Arkbear ^^ although, it's not the perfect, um, edited piece, I still think this is quite nice. To me, the flow seems nice but quite fast. Meh, I'll leave this alone and edit this when I learn some more =]
Note: I am turning 16 a few months later, only reason AP said I'm 14 here
is because they can possibly ban me if I change my age again.
Yeah, I changed my age two times for reasons, I don't know *sweat drops*
Anyway, leave me comments please ^^'
A contest entry
- Poetic challenge: A New Beginning!!! by luckynsincere.
525 points, ended March 25, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Tell me what you think will make this poem better
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I wish i could fly to =(..its not fair! =p..interesting write...enjoyed reading..i especially loved these lines
Dreams float in the empyrean- to fly;
but what aristocratic wings shall I wear
if dreams evolved in Father Time's reality?
thank you for entering and good luck =) -
I love the structure of your poem and how you flew from one winged creature to the next. Nice write, thank you for entering the contest. Good luck.
♥
whisper
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Nicely expressed. Ahhh Arkbear is the edit king! He will guide you most throughout this challenge. I could not believe you are 14, after reading this... the depth blew me away! wonderfully expressed here.
At the close of the contest there will be a link to a group. It is required for you to join to continue in this challenge!!
Good luck, and we look forward to reading more of you!!
Mel
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The Edit King???
You crack me up
Sending scores very soon....had to get something in my tummy first
Bear ~
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Hi there ~
OK....let me start with this..>>>
Oh wait!.....welcome to the Poetic Challenge contest ~
:)
Great Theme....terrific insight and wonderful thoughts....
....however....this is in Epic format, and by keeping your write in poetic format and tone, you can focus more on your subject matter ~
Filler words are your biggest enemy here.....and you mentioned that in your Authors' Notes , so I know you are aware of them :)
You are a young writer/Poet....and writing your heart out is one way to get the experience you'll need to be a GREAT writer/Poet :)
In Round 1, I want you to take your thoughts and write them down, just as you have done here.....and then I want you to look at each line, and then delete any words which add no power, no impact, no focus, no imagery and no lasting impression.........then read it aloud and ask yourself......is it better?
If it is not, then begin to utilize the lines you have, by reconstructing your write ~
Once you have edited, read it again....and again.....until you begin to see your THEME flowing off of your page :) ....without being hidden by *words* ~
Poetry does not have to make sense to everyone....and most writers will try to add words, just to be able to *make it understandable* to others....and then in the end, all you have, is another Epic story :)
So.....with that said, I think you have a great deal of talent and will make a fine contender in the Challenge...........however, if you want to win the Challenge, spill the ink that matters.....not the ink that just sits there and takes up space :)
Unnecessary words are *Filler Words*.....and you will find me hitting you hard on this throughout your Challenge if you continue to throw any words together to make a story ~
I want Focus.....Power....Impact...and Lasting impression...............I don't want a story to be able to find out what your subject or Topic is........just keep it clean and neat, and you'll do fine :)
Nice effort and good luck!
Bear ~
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ahh, thank you for your wonderful critique ^^
I am glad someone notices the flaws of this piece
that I couldn't see.
Thank you again and I'll take your advice to not only
edit this piece but to also make it as a reference
when I write more poems in the future
P.S. filler words, I've never heard it. I can't believe I didn't know those words were my enemy here
Thanks again ^^
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Nice. I like the thought process of why you wanted to but couldn't be a dove, fairy, or angel. As far as the flow, I don't know if you fixed it already, but I think it works.
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wow!
i love it!! you did an amazing job and i think it is good the way it is! keep up the good work!
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I liked this and think you express alot in it. Keep up the great writing. Best of luck to you in your contests.
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