hello, beautiful, where is your smile?
did you misplace it when you were buying eyeliner,
or pretending to be pretty for the boys?
that fifty-cent mascara is streaking down your cheeks,
oh-so-cliche black rivers; call them pain if you can
but your torn-up knees aren't the reason you're bleeding
and the smeared lipstick and tangled hair are just rocks
on that ever-coveted road to beauty.
hello, angel, where is your halo?
did those boys steal it away last night,
or did you give it to them?
and this is just the beginning, darling,
because your bones make you pretty and all they're looking for
is a little something-something that's just
too damn easy to give away;
oh, 'cause if it's not them,
who else is going to give you a chance?
maybe they won't notice your decaying teeth
or the acid choking you after those
dollar burritos from the taco bell down the corner,
they'll be too enamored with your see-through skin
and that push-up bra that makes you look like you're more than just
a too-thin wannabe riding the trainwreck tracks to stardom
[oh, you're living large; better thank god for the porcelain angel
that's making your dreams come true]
hello, love, where is your heart?
did it shatter last night on the street,
or are you just pretending?
and you think i don't see the way you cradle your heart in your hands,
like it's some precious gem because god knows
you've got nothing but your bloody knuckles
and that shred of hope that someday you will be beautiful,
someday those bones will fly you to the moon
and you'll live there
with a smile on your emaciated face.
and honey, i hope you know
that pain makes you gorgeous
and even without your torn dress and
shameless scratches,
you're already there.
Author notes
this is the first thing i've written in a while. i'm not so sure i like it. :/
deadpixie020
A contest entry
- I'll Have To Warn You; This Is Going To Hurt, Really Hurt. by SarahEatsAirplane.
1750 points, ended March 21, 69 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Whatever you want to say. Critiques, anything. :)
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Wow, that was so incredible!
I couldn't even pick out my favorite part, I just loved it altogether.
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Title- 2/5
Creativity- 3/5
Use of metaphors, imagery, etc.- 6/10
Overall package- 3/5
Total= 14/25
This was well done DP, but
could be improved in terms
of flow, imagery & use of poetic
devices. One thing that bothered me
was I noticed spelling errors, the big
one being the easiest to not capitalize
"god" --> "God" ... sorry, it's a peeve, I
am Christian and it bothers me when
people don't capitalize His name.
But I know sometimes you don't
even realize it. Next time just make
sure to spell check everything before
submitting that's all.
This was wonderfully crafted
thanks for entering -
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that's not a spelling error at all. there are no spelling errors in there, i've checked it multiple times and i am a stickler for spelling and grammar. i'm sorry i didn't capitalize god; i don't believe in one so i personally don't think it's a problem, especially since there's nothing else capitalized in the entire poem.
i'm not trying to be rude in response to that, i do appreciate your comment. i just don't appreciate people telling me i've spelled things wrong when really all i did was not capitalize a letter.
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wow i just realized i've read this before. apparently it still doesn't fail to amaze me, because my last comment said i loved it.
i still love it.
finalist
good job.
good luck. -
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ha wowww i'm sorry about that, apparently there's a reason you shouldn't delete the contests you didn't win in.
did you change your username?
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wonderful imagery =] very intense and powerful emotion. Very well written. I'm assuming it's a Dirty Pretty write, but could you please put the option # and phraze in your author notes please. Thank you and thanks for the entry.
x-Pretty-Odd-x <3 -
Blown away
Wow, I really like this. It really blew me away. You can really feel an intense emotion here. A clever choice of words too. it is beautifully written. You did a great job on this. You will be advancing on to the next round! I will be in contact with you and send you a link to the next round. Congrats!
Scoring:
Creaticity- 10/10, emotion- 20/20, structure- 10/10, wording 15/15 It's a perfect 55! Good work
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I thought this was a wonderful piece. There are many lines that stood out to me, I liked your use of questions particularly. And for some reason I really loved the lines;
"someday those bones will fly you to the moon
and you'll live there
with a smile on your emaciated face."
I guess I could relate to the person that would be said to quiet a lot. I alos really loved your edning, i felt it rounded of the pome really well, and fitted with the wonderful images you had given throughout.
Great Work. -
and you think i don't see the way you cradle your heart in your hands,
like it's some precious gem because god knows
you've got nothing but your bloody knuckles
and that shred of hope that someday you will be beautiful
love it.
original take on some cliche ideas. -
did those boys steal it away last night,
or did you give it to them?
---
hello, love, where is your heart?
did it shatter last night on the street,
or are you just pretending?
---
you've got nothing but your bloody knuckles
and that shred of hope that someday you will be beautiful,
someday those bones will fly you to the moon
and you'll live there
with a smile on your emaciated face.
---
and honey, i hope you know
that pain makes you gorgeous
and even without your torn dress and
shameless scratches,
you're already there.
actually
its really good
fresh.new. and well-written
no more words. thank you
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Wow.
Thats all I can say. -
Wow. Bookmarked.
I loved it. All th sections were gorgeous and twisty, just like the subject. Individually and as a whole they were beautiful. take care x x x
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well for it being the first thing in a while
wow..
this is excellent
youre really talented
i liked every stanza & the story ♥
Dead Star--x -
you are amazing.
this was so sad.
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wow. yet again, i am adding like, 50 people to my finalists list. but i can't help it.
anyone that i would have shown this poem to would say its amazing. you... just used description so well. ahhh gahh amazing.
i can tell you didn't lose any talent during the time you didn't write.
great job. -
This brought me to tears. Nuff said
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aww thanks!!! that makes me feel a lot better about it
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