Days drop
down
and down;
moments left to strangle
in a lethargy of greys--
that sullen clergy of hues
bereft of passion’s fleeting breath.
Shadows move in stealth
like death progressing by imperceptible degrees,
a leech creeping along the upturned edge
of a razor.
(Keen steel savors its fleshy intrusion
yet is helpless to cut itself free.)
Tragedy doesn’t always descend
in crushing waves or seizing talons.
It has its own magick.
Sometimes it hypnotizes
slowly constricting the minutes;
asphyxiates listless hours--
smothers your canvas in colorless oils
and melancholy years
till life is viewed through wine-less crystal,
dulled and chipped;
love drowns in motionless waters of apathy
and dark pools
of vandalized emotion.
Author notes
Everwind Rising
Inpired by picture-http://denirojemakaron.deviantart.com/art/Vint-IV-47284055
"Magick" is not a misspelling. This spelling is associated with occult writings. I do not endorse occult practices or beliefs but chose to use the spelling for the mood, conotation, and tone it evokes within the context of this piece.
Entry for http://allpoetry.com/column/2341079.
A contest entry
- POETS SURVIVOR 3 -- FINAL ROUND- Part A by Poets Survivor 3.
700 points, ended January 15, 3 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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A good choice with this one, I thought this perfect the first time round, I still think it perfect. Bravo! Hugs, Bunny
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Got even more out of it the second time. Mesmerizing
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Just stunning, maybe even shocking, images and phrases. Gotta luv this. It is good to come back to this fresh and yet in the rereading, I am reminded of some of the incredible things that made this stand out during the previous round.
Your line breaking and word positioning is just exceptional, and this whole creepy overtone is just so effective...the effect of this unseen but very much real force with which we must reckon. You put a face on the faceless...and it's not a pretty one.
The assonance and consonance and the subtle but potent use of internal rhyme was so effective. What stood out to me the most, I think, was the way you restated your ideas repeatedly and in a fresh light. It so mirrors this hypnotic effect that you speak of in your theme. For example, "constricting," "asphyxiates," and "smothers" all say similar things, and yet the repetition of thought increases the power of each. The sum being even greater than the certainly excellent parts. To read those successively is like looking into a spinning, absolutely alluring spiral. A tremendous effect to illustrate your theme.
In looking for constructive criticism, I am struggling. Perhaps the only thing I can list is again about the leech/razor image. As in image, it has all the potency you meant for it to have, to be sure, and yet I am not certain that the paradoxical irony you intended is quite as attainable as you might have wished. Perhaps the abstraction is why. But I am totally grasping at straws, here. This is a truly remarkable piece.
Well done!
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Ironically, language fails to describe your poetry. Simply amazing.
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Inspiring.
Something about your work inspires me to write more. The mesmerizing images, the lovely lull of the words, the enchanting feel of it all... you make me fall in love with poetry all over again.
So, thank you for that.
I read this several times, over and over, taking different ideas and images each time.
It was just so ... beautiful... for lack of a better term. This is definitely one of my favorite poems... ever.
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Yep, poetry
Word choice that draws the reader in.
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Everwind, your words descend
upon the mind, work their way
in hypnotic style into the very core,
stirring contemplation of your phrasing.
Amazing, amazing as always I expect from you.
Aesthete
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Just letting you know Ryan has been sick but will get the survivor results back to everyone soon! Be well!
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...wow. I was just transfixed by this. It was wonderful to read out loud, it made me shiver. Your description of gradual tragedy, misery that comes on slowly and won't let go, is so painful. "Sometimes it hypnotizes" - this made me think of how we obsess over things, and also the "car-crash" effect, when you're seeing something horrible happen and can't look away. Extremely well done, and I wish you the best of luck with the judging.
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Loved the "moments left to strangle in a lethargy of greys." Outstanding "sullen clergy of hues." I also enjoyed "Shadows move in stealth like death progressing by impreceptible degrees." Like boiling a frog...in slow increments it adapts; where in a sudden onslaught all the resources of mind, body and will unite in heroic effort to survive.
Great discourse, that "tragedy...hypnotizes, slowly constricting the minutes; asphyxiates listless hours." Indeed, it can seem so inexorable and inescapable as to smother hope. And when one ceases to strive and struggle, drowning in apathy can seem as reasonable as breathing. Excellent write!
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Adelptly adroit
Hey Kentucky guy! Johnny Depp is from Kentucky! Wine-less crystal gave this reader a nice poetic tweek! More people die from smoking in Kentucky I guess than any other state. I like to smoke. What in your opinion is the best cigarette in the world? I would like to cut down by smoking something I really can't afford.
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Thanks for the comment. I don't know what the best cigarette is. I don't smoke anymore; quit when I was about 20. I highly recommend quitting or at very least cutting down. Takes will power, true. But the health and financial benefits are well worth the effort.
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There is truly "magick" in all your poetry, there is always something that just leaves us with that "pure wow affect". No matter what content, type, etc the poem is, I always feel like I got a huge bite of delicious chocolate cake after reading your poetry that is overwhelmed with pure emotion, the covers my whole insides with feeling.
Yes, your poetry is cake. 
The descriptions in the piece were very powerful, its always hard to put my finger on exactly what made it so, but it is a mixture of many things, all the poetic devices, imagery and just the true feeling you put behind it...
You truly put a new spin to this, and gave me a piece of poetry well worth reading - and for that - I thank you
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Thank you. I'll try to bake you plenty of poetic cake in the upcoming rounds.
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I'd be incredibly surprised if you didn't win gold! The whole thing (duh) is brilliant--the description, the visualizations, the unique comparisons...it's great. My favorite lines:
"moments left to strangle"-The unique context in which 'strangle' was being used really caught my eye.
"in a lethargy of greys" (BTW, a spelling error--it should be 'lethargy', not 'lethergy')-great use of the word 'lethargy', because grey is often perceived (not clothing-wise, but color-wise) as "nothing". It's good.
"death progressing by imperceptible degrees,"-Wow. This is like every human being...because we die a little more quite literally w. every second...mmm, not gonna think about that. -.-
"upturned edge
of a razor."-Great metaphor. I love it. Razor just SOUNDS like a sharp word, you know?
Loved the last 2 stanzas as well--great climax. Great everything. Fix the spelling error and this poem may be my favorite of your's.
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I would not change a word of this beauty, I loved it, truly a brilliant piece. Hugs, Bunny
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Thank you.
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Amazing opening image! Loved the effect of the line breaks to add to the sense of falling.
"that sullen clergy of hues
bereft of passion’s fleeting breath."----i love the idea of a "sullen" clergy. Somehow it seems almost contradictory that he who should bring healing and encouragement, brings sullenness. Nice effect!
The imagery here is dark and compellingly--totally creepy. It has this tremendous build form the "shadows" all the way to "of a razor." and the parenthetical lines that follow. Those lines have both a cumulative and a MULTIPLIED effect when read together.
I like how the speaker next almost steps back, and makes a general, almost philosophic statement. It serves as a break in the emotion, and an awesome setup for another climatic build in emotion that is yet to come. The use of the spelling "magick" gave the exact feel you intended there, too, (before I ever saw your note) for as I read those following lines, they really did have an spell-bound, asphixiating effect. You were masterful there at totally manipulating the reader's emotions.
And once again you manipulate emotion by cutting back on the heightened, tense imagery to something more steadily melancholic, leaving the reader with a true sense of vancancy/hollowness toward the end.
I love how the title, a single NOUN, lets the reader know to expect this poem to be about an ENTITY--a tangible presence with which to reckon. Tragedy and the depression that follows, is this vandal. Excellent.
Your internal rhyme/near rhymes/ assonance, etc. scattered throughout was mind-boggling. There was a ton of it, and yet, it was absolutely unobtrusive! And in particular, I was impressed with that one string of LONG E sounds. They just kept coming, but again, didnt draw undue attention.
Punctuation and line breaks are very skillfully done.
My only point of constructive criticism, is within this line:
"(Keen steel savors its fleshy intrusion
yet is helpless to cut itself free.)"
The way that is worded makes it read as if the STEEL wants to cut itself free, when I don't believe that is what you mean. As I read it, I think you mean to speak of death (the LEECH) cutting itself free. Perhaps you can rearrange slightly to clarify who "itself" is. And who is the intrudor? the blade--into the leech's flesh, or the leech--upon the blade's edge.
And excellently crafted poem, filled from beginning to end with tons of poetic device and emotional impact. Masterfully done.
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Thanks for the insightful comment.
Actually "itself" does refer to the steel. It is a paradoxical image in which the steel is drawn to the slow, almost imperceptiple movement of the leech. It (the razor) wants to be free of this type of hypnotic spell cast over it by the leech but is helpless to cut itself free.
It is a type of paradoxical irony. Where razors are usually "powerful" in that they inspire fear and are able to cut with supreme ease, here the razor is powerless, it is held to the presence and under the power of the leech. It is a type of metaphor for the way in which tragedy and depression can consume us, even those of us that seem to be so "well adjusted" and successful.
We can succumb to the drawing power of trajedy. We can fall to the hypnotic spell of melancholy. We can become infatuated with it's paradoxical beauty so that we are held by it and ultimately trapped by it. -
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Ah, I see. Very nice. Thanks for the insight!
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I loved this a lot! Some phrases read almost like poetic proverbs, wonderfully dark. Perfect interpretation of the picture...
Good luck to you!
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This reminds me of Albrecht Dürer's "Melencolia I", one of my favourite works of art. The element of wonder binds us to your work, but the weight of loss and sadness are nonetheless the overarching impressions we are left with.
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I really enjoyed this. Just as a side note, magick was originally spelled that way by the Wiccan religion to differentiate from our way of Magick as a form of praying, from masks and mirrors and things like Harry Potter.
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Assonance and pace within this piece are truly excellent. There are one or two places where the spellings seemed alien to me, but it's probably my British eyes
L5 "lethargy" &
L22 "'til"
Like I said, probably just me.
First stanza, I'd suggest a line-break here:
"Days drop
down
and down;
moments left to strangle
in a lethergy of greys--"
just to place extra emphasis on "down"...but that's just personal preference.
Overall, an excellent penning.
Good luck!
La x
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Thanks for your comment. "Lethergy" doesn't come up as a misspelling on my word processor spell check. Although my word processor dictionary doesn't have an entry for "lethergy", the thesauraus on my word processor has and entry for both "lethargy" and "lethergy". Both entries are similar but slightly different. I chose the "er" spelling because of it fit better with the assonance of the stanza.
I changed "'till" to "till" which my word processor's dictionary defines a less formal way of saying "until". Originally I thought that the apostraphe was part of this particular word but find that it is not necesarily so, so I removed it.
Concerning your suggestion of the stanza break after "and down;", that was something I went back and forth on when I originally wrote the piece. In the end I decided to leave it as it now reads. I chose this because I wanted to build a little momentum and then bring in the first major pause before the "Shadows move in stealth" line. I decided to sacrifice the added emphasis that would have been given to "down" for the dramatic effect of the first and second major pauses of the piece placed before and after "Shadows move in stealth".
It's a trade-off but I do see the validity of your suggestion. I went back and forth on the placement of that first stanza break and I think that the poem would be just as good with it placed as you suggest. I was just going for a slightly different effect.
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The poem was amazing. From "sometimes it hypnotizes" and down, the poem was like magic...those were my favorite parts. Loved it. Good luck!
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