We will hide in rooms
of corpses in clear coffins;
our names carved into every surface,
our fortunes told in fish eyes
and sharks’ teeth.
We are frogs in formaldehyde,
puffed up like tear-stained faces,
motel pillows;
we are jellyfish in jars,
hanging like bleached willows;
tangled tentacles dangle, flaccid,
and spectres of the Pacific
will not stir us.
In the mother-of-pearl,
in the birds of paradise,
in the ribcages and tortoiseshells,
we linger, petrified,
and do not hope to be unearthed.
Now we stand like stick figures
pinned to twilight
as orange and blue hesitate in the sky.
Starlings swarm across the stuttered sunset,
bubbling and breaking, meandering and mingling;
a sentient storm that plummets to the horizon
and rises on an unseen current.
In that paradise of half-light,
we wait and pretend
that you and I can stay undecided,
and time moves on without us.
Author notes
If you've never been to a zoology museum or seen starlings deciding where to roost, I would thoroughly recommend that you do so; they're both so inspiring.
Anyway, good luck to the rest of Tribe Litterea!
A contest entry
- POETS SURVIVOR 3 -- FINAL ROUND- Part A by Poets Survivor 3.
700 points, ended January 15, 3 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Advice is always appreciated!
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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Macabre indeed.
I found this a bit morbid and Damien Hurst-like but it was seriously well written and I think that you definitely have some talent there. The only thing I would recommend you change would be the subject matter, but that is probably just my personal taste. I'm sure that some people will apreciate it a lot more.
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Oh Yeah!
This is definitely the poem of a winner!
Fantastic writing! -
Ahhh yes I remember this write, such amazing metaphor and imagery. You chose very well indeed. I loved this the first time and do yet again. Hugs, Bunny
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I remember this. How could I forget this? The images/the metaphors combined summarized in powerful emotion.
I loved this the first time, and loved it even more the second time
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Byrony, I have to say, I am once again stunned by this amazing collage of imagery and metaphor. I am equally moved by the depth of thought your words provoke. Just when I think my senses have been totally engaged, you provide yet another image to push me further. Excellent! This poem is almost frightening--to think that we could miss so much and find ourselves, by choosing indecisiveness, caged and on display, no good to ourselves or anyone, except to learn by our poor example to strive to live more fully.
There is so much originality in this piece. I mean, who things to compare frogs in solution to our own tear-swollen faces? And what masterful mind conceives of comparing jar-preserved jellyfish to bleached willows? Truly impressive.
I have very little constructive criticism to give except that perhaps the "museum" type images are in such stark contrast to starling scene (and intentionally, I presume) that it is almost difficult to make the jump mentally and stay with your flow of thought. The reader almost needs a bridge of some sort. "Now we stand" almost does the job, but only in hindsight. Upon multiple reads, the flow of thought issues is not an issue, or wasn't for me, but for the first couple times through I found myself wanting a connection. The theme at the end does the trick, though, so it is a matter of preference, I suppose, to lay it out, or allow it to be assumed once the poem is understood. Either way, I am just so impressed.
Completely moving. The last two line make me tear up, even. Amazing stuff.
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Thank you so, so much for your kindness! It means so much to me!
In terms of the big jump between th two sections... the "stick figures pinned to twilight" was meant to be vaguely reminiscent of butterflies pinned to boards, to sort of link back a little, but perhaps that's only clear in my own mind. -
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"PINNED" to twilight... ah, yes! I see it. It was there, subtly but I see the connection.
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Just letting you know Ryan has been sick but will get the survivor results back to everyone soon! Be well!
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Damn, damn, damn. These metaphors are insanely brilliant, they just seem to capture life but the horns and bift the down in front of use....
Each image brought something new to the table, but it all connected so well, I loved how the metaphor became part of the imagery instead in the last bit, making a special extra emphasis.
And, as you know, I'm really a true sucker for pieces that really make me feel something; this piece; WOW; this piece made me feel a lot...
Beatiful, but in an uncliche way.
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Thank you so, so much for the lovely comment!
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Excellent piece, brilliant imagery and flow. Lovely internal rhyme. Just a great write, loved it hugs, Bunny
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Thank you so much!
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Image after amazing image of brilliance. Wonderfully penned! I found myself commenting out loud at some of these great lines. (Thanks for inspiring me to talk to myself, btw.)
Excellent internal rhyme and consonance--all worked in seemlessly--except one. I found that while the "hotel pillow" SOUNDED NICE with the "willow" a couple of lines down, that the soft, comfy image seemed contradictory to all of your others and didn't really fit. Had you chosen to juxtapose contrasting images throughout, that might have worked, but as it is now, it kind of "stuck out."
I have one grammar suggestion:
"Now we stand like stick figures
pinned to twilight
as orange and blue hesitate in the sky;
starlings, swarming across the stuttered sunset,"
I added the "ing" on "swarm" so that you continue with this effect of saying "we are. . . " as you have done throughout. "{We are] starlings, swarming across . . ." is how it reads with the change. Otherwise, you introduce the starlings (which is another perfect metaphor for us), but you seem to be speaking more about them, than about us, if you say "starlings swarm". I hope I articulated that clearly. By the way, "stuttered sunset" was INCREDIBLE!!! What an amazing description!
"In that paradise of half-light,
we wait and pretend
that you and I can stay undecided
and time moves on without us."----------What an excellent observation and deep philosophical truth. You leave the reader with a huge light bulb over our heads and really get us to noodling about the nature of indecision and of life.
Another cool effect--I love the switch in verb tense from the first section to the second. The first comes across as this eerie future-tense prophecy, the proof of which is given in the subsequent stanzas in the present tense. Awesome!
Amazing write!
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Thanks for an incredible comment, it was so helpful!
I agree with the pillow issue. To me, hotel pillows are a negative image (don't ask), but I guess to most sane people they aren't... I've changed it to "motel pillows", does that give it more of a cheap-nights-out and slept-on-by-three-people-already feeling or do I need to do more?
At first, I agreed with your suggestion about the starlings, but now I'm not so sure... in a way, I wanted the starlings to be separate from the first section; it's more that we're watching the starlings and seeing the parallels between our situations than imagining ourselves as them. But I definitely see what you mean, I will have to think about it further. I kind of see the starlings as a representation of our minds rather than us, but I haven't made that clear. Hmm. I'll work it out eventually.
Again, thank you so much, it's so kind of you to put so much thought into you comment!
And it was my pleasure to make you talk to yourself, it's good to know I'm not the only one
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Okay, so that's great if you want to keep the starlings separate. In that case, I would suggest one of two things. One, end the previous section with a period and capitalize "starlings" making them in their own sentence. OR, remove the semicolon of the previous section and add another line with the single word "watching."
Now we stand like stick figures
pinned to twilight
as orange and blue hesitate in the sky
watching
starlings swarm across the stuttered sunset,
The second of the two options is my favorite for I love the effect of that one word watching--alone in the line, it gives that "mesmerized by indecision" feel that works with your piece. Of course, if you feel strongly about leaving it as it is, that works, too. It is just a matter of taste, for me. When I read the "Now we stand" section, that lead right into the "starlings" section, there was a change in SUBJECT (from we to starlings), and thus a change of pace that was a little abrupt, in my opinion,which would maybe have worked if say, we actually made a decision instead of continually wavering. Just an idea.
Again, really remarkable poem! -
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Hell, I'm so indecisive. I'm going to leave it just with a full-stop instead of a semi-colon. Definitely. (I think.)
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Yes, I agree with adding "watching". I was considering adding something to show that we're observing them, and I think your idea fits perfectly. Thank you!
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I love the starling imagery and the ending was beautifully simple and almost calming.
Good luck to you, too!
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Thank you very much!
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I loved this.
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Thank you!
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I've had the pleasure to watch as your poetic talents have grown recently and again here, I see you are still growing and learning. Good attention here to poetic device and the inner-rhymes help keep the flow steady. Your imagery is excellent, it draws the reader in and keeps hold of them 'til the very last. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.
Good luck!
La x
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Thanks so much for a wonderful comment!
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the alliteration is evolving to finding rhymes
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Excellent imagery!
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Thank you!
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Wow, I am truly impressed by this. You have a good reputation and I know you're a great writer, but I believe this is the first poem I've read of yours...and this was awesome! I think you'll do well in the competition. Good luck!
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Thank you ever so much!
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