Alone in her room surrounded by four walls
A woman sits in a corner and begins to cry
The walls start to gradually close in on her
Suffocating her with the life she has lived
She feels as if this is the end of her dreams
Broken hearted, she has given up on love
She’ll never have what she has prayed for
Not ever living the life she has dreamt of
Never once feeling that gentle caress of love
That sweet emotion that embraces your heart,
Opens your eyes up to the beauty of the world
Setting your soul free to fly high into sky
Love has once more passed her by rapidly,
Like a river rushing out towards the sea
Not stopping to give her an opportunity
The chance she had been waiting for
She wipes the tears away from her eyes
Accepting her fate, reality finally sets in
Knowing now she would always be alone
That there would be no perfect soul mate
She has given up as if she had nothing
Quietly she utters a few simple words
Take me from this miserable existence
Broken is my spirit and my will to live
With a dagger held firmly in one hand
She cuts fast and hard into her veins
Silently watching as life begins to fade
March 7, 2008
A contest entry
- Recognizing Defeat by LaylaLace.
600 points, ended March 23, 2008, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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i've got a few points i'd like to make. firstly:
"She wipes the tears away from her eyes
Excepting her fate, reality finally sets in "
i don't think "excepting" is the right word. do you mean "accepting"? also, i don't think this poem works with the rigid structure of the stanzas. i think it needs to flow more naturally in order to read better. and also in the ending, who really has daggers these days? knife, or if you want to be more realistic, razor blade, could work better.
but, having said that, i like your use of language. you're saying something kinda deep here, and that's good. it just needs some tweaking, in my opinion.
but then, that's just my opinions - it's your poem, do as you wish.
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Thank you for you input. I see what your saying but a razor blade working better. This is a piece that came to me in my sleep. Normally I write ryhmes so this is something new for me. Thanks for your comment as they are always welcome.
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The verdict is universal in this human experience we call life. The sentence is extreme, and unfortunately, in most cases unnecessary. Your poem is an Intense expression of depression, and well done.
( In verse five, you may want to change the word "fait" to "fate".)
regards
- phattkat - -
Too many have given up the race before they knew how close they were to the finish line. Very good write, good luck in the contest!
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WOW this is really deep and i really got into it. good job
I LOVE YOU GUYS AND MISS YOU SO MUCH <3
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hey there you. glad you like this. thanks for reading
we miss u too
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