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hip

your hand cups ~ sheltered in the sweet swell ~ of my hip ~ travels upward ~ sweeping o'er ~ curved line of ~ spine ~ fingering the vertebrae ~playing notes in ~varying pitches ~ cresting the blades of shoulders ~ mine ~ spanning the distance ~ betwixt them ~ walking fingertips ~ o'er the suspension of ~ neck ~ and resting in hollows of ~ collar ~ breaking slightly afore ~walking off again ~ to find that familiar hollow ~bone on bone ~hand cradled home ~ of hip

Author notes

finally getting some!

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Comments

  • arden
    March 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    lol, 'twould seem it did post after all! weel, here i go correcting it and such. i thought it got deleated!

  • silverfish
    March 14, 2008

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    the rawness of the misspelled parts of speech (travles, sweepng, varring, breating, etc.) and unconventional em dashes as sole punctuation make for an authentic, new erotic sound in this short thick poem. if it's an accident, then it's certainly a happy one. -silverphish


    • nitefire
      March 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Unless the spelling errors are on purpose...which very well may be the case, I think telling someone spelling errors are okay in a serious piece is totally absurd. The dashes I suppose have more ground for debate but when you make that many spelling errors I think it just distracts the reader. I suppose that is why the world is great-what I think is distracting you feel is happily raw, go figure!

  • nitefire
    March 14, 2008

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    I really think this is a hot but tasteful piece. I really do think though that the way its all crammed together makes it difficult for the reader. I think the caliber of this writing deserves the space to be fully communicated and also extend to the reader the opportunity for comprehension. Some errors are present, I believe,you, the first word you meant to be your. Travles to travels. Sweepng to sweeping. Vertabrea to vertebrae. Varring to varying. Betwix to betwixt. Towards the end breating I believe you meant here breathing. And finally afor to afore.Sorry, I just had to point that out. To give you an idea of the space I was talking about earlier...
    your hand cups
    sheltered in the sweet swell
    of my hip~travels upwards
    sweeping o'er~curved line of
    ~spine~
    fingering the vertebrae
    playing notes in
    varying pitches
    cresting the blades of shoulders
    ~mine~
    spanning the distance
    betwixt them
    walking fingertips
    o'er the suspension of
    ~neck~
    and resting in hollows of
    ~collar~
    breathing slightly afore
    walking off again
    to find that familiar hollow
    ~bone on bone~
    hand cradled home
    of hip
    Disclaimer:I hope you take these comments lightly. Just know I only do this for the betterment of your poetry and my editing skills. Take my comments or leave them, it is your art and your choice. I in no way mean to offend you!
    Again this poem is full of vivid imagery. A wonderful write, Keep it up! Leah