It is when I am alone that thoughts swarm me
like a pack of
hungry bees
that suck the sweetness from my dreams
and
remind me how much
life
can
really
sting.
A contest entry
- SHORT POEMS PART 2 by Blooming Poet.
700 points, ended March 23, 2008, 129 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
-
Excellent
Perfect. I love your style. You have excellent word choice. ~Peace~Gar
-
wow, that is amazing, it is so short and yet exact. You struck this with great passion and beauty. Great job again. As I said it before, you have great talent!! Wonderful writing.
-
The title is very deceptive, reading it I though ohh, a nature poem, I was wrong, but I love that it was unexpected. The relaton of pain to bee stongs is so poetic.
-
Laynelady...
Girl, this is nice. Like, powerful writing-type nice. Short and to-the-point. Reflective and heartfelt. Wow...I kind of love this piece. Great work here siser. Great work.
-
I love the experimentation of form you have used and think it works very well with this wonderful piece that I can so relate to on a personal level in my rollercoaster life at this time. I am glad to see you writing something, I have missed reading your words beautiful woman.
Becky
-
Nice form. I really like the step down lines of "life really stings" - it creates a lovely crescendo effect to the end of the poem. I did wonder though why you chose to place "and" on it's own?
The extended metaphor is a lovely analogy to the subject matter and eloquently describes something that I think everyone experiences sometimes when we're on our own. I think the key to evading it is to find a sense of inner piece, in which you sink into inner consciousness living for a few seconds like a serene, shining ocean untroubled by the torrential storm of thoughts swirling above. And then as you rise back into that storm above let the calm of that inner ocean breeze blow all those 'bees' away with a gentle breath out....
Good poem, with a lovely extended metaphor and form.
-
Ouch
yep, it sure can be that way
-
Wow! This is a very powerful, real write here. I love how it is straight to the point and the staggered words at the end. You've impressed me with this Layne. Great job.
-
I'm with Lane.... Amen.... you captured it is such short form, packed a punch to my heart and left me lingering... perfect, going in my bookmarks honey
Karen
-
Short and sweet, sis...right to the point and right on target. Well done
-
amen...and what perfect metaphor. I love how you let the poem drift off - very effective....
you are the best 
Love, Lane
-
yeah stings!
...and bites , and sucks the life essence and drains and...you get the picture? I feel you on this 100% !!
a short, but spot-on write!
-
Perfect writing!
Layne- Just a few words yet this was so perfect and to the point. Loved it, loved it, loved it!!
Adding your comment:
1 - 13 of 13
