Clouds form within sight
recalling their treacherous duel
between dejected sapphire winter
and joyful emerald spring
Leaves fly broken
torn by winters fury
as the sun reigns
defeating the icy purgatory of day
Although winter lost
he regains his control
as the storm of time begins
enveloping all feeble minds
hearts
and mystified murky souls
filled with disobedience
from the winter king
Author notes
The prompt I created for this is the weather we are currently having. Written with help by my friend Kadee
A contest entry
- Write as your muse inspires~! by Demington.
550 points, ended March 17, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please critique my work if you feel this needs improving
Comments
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Shadow......I love all of your poetry so don't be so sad cause of what the other dumb a**es tell you
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Thank you baby!
I'm happy you loved it!
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Poetry inspired by weather, I definitely appreciate this sort!
In line 2 I would pick between either "dangerous" or "treacherous" the flow dies quickly when you use both.
In line 4 you should try to "emerald" instead of "exuberant" the play of precious stones for adjectives concerning winter and spring would be an interesting bit of fun.
If you're going to address nature in a reflective poem you might want to paint a clearer physical picture. If you're going for purely abstract musing then by all means, muse away. But by neglecting the concrete you lose your chance at tantilizing the reader's senses, dragging them into the poem with you.
Overall this poem has some very good potential. It just needs a few touches of imagery and detail.
Blessings,
C
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