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You & me

Some simple & little mistakes
One or more angers
- - taken you far away from me
- - destroyed my dreams in me

Your foot steps on the path
Your memories in the soul
- - make me feeling you
- - burn me to recall you

If you ever feel that I did nothing wrong
Please don't come to this life again
- - i'll be happy having memories in the soul
- - i'll be dreaming about a rain without clouds

Author notes

THIS IS MY FIRST EVER POEM.
Written December 2nd, 2003

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • Zia-
    August 7

    Edit | Reply

    Beautiful

    The last stanza made me think alot,and your writing is beautiful, written from your heart onto your page makes the poem even more special

    Zia,


    • sOuL
      August 7
      Edit | Reply
      This is my first ever English poem and i've written it almost 6years ago..
      I am happy that you liked it..

      Luv


  • Violent Serenity
    April 16, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    lovely

    i am sorry, i have read a few of your poems and people always seem to try to tell you how you can change something, to make it sound different, now i know they may seem to mean well, but i think the way you wrote it sounds beautiful already, and not only that it shows a piece of you in it as well. this poem was brilliant, and i hope you continue writing, because it is refreshing to read original poems that some one actually means when they write them. amor
    ^+_+^ Cado


  • beck
    February 15, 2004
    Edit | Reply
    this is a lovely poem, I just stumbled across and stopped to read it. I love the wording and format.
    One suggestion:
    My friend sadlemann has posted a contest called unholy sonnet, the format of an unholy sonnet is 13 lines and your poem is only 12 but I think you could reformat it to read:
    'Some simple & little mistakes
    One or more angers
    - - taken you far away from me
    - - destroyed my dreams in me

    Your foot steps on the path
    Your memories in the soul
    - - make me feeling you
    - - burn me to recall you

    If you ever feel that I did nothing wrong
    Please don't come to this life again
    - - i'll be happy having memories in the soul
    - - i'll be dreaming
    about a rain without clouds'
    I like the way that extra line makes the last verse read slower. But it's up to you.

    Either way. Great poem. I am sending you some applause and a smile..

    bec