Fourth brick down
below rusted escape ladder
I chalked your sacred name
smashed vodka to match my shatter
Locking arms with the facts
splits my composure through stitch
Bound hands first to the notion
you'll never untie, only resist
For even if I did 180s
and grew back limb from rotator
integrated face-scar with jawline
still you would be a separator
Slicing out my inner workings
ambidextrous while flipping hair
I had seven nickles for coffee
You had thousands, and house to spare
It's those raining nights that scared me
hiding under your porch for sounds
During sunlight, I was braver to ask
begging with guitar case on the ground
Every day, at the lunching hour
the park bench hugged your simple bones
Retinas adverted from my limping form
wiping your mouth quickly at my ending notes
So I've become doubly crippled
lack of strength to vault over guard rails
You are blessed with better options
while I'm too weak to tip the scales
Author notes
Cursed and obsessed vs. Blessed and nonchalant
Slightly edited
In a list
A contest entry
- a soft caress left - thoughts on love prevented by adsaige.
1800 points, ended June 4, 2008, 19 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I am particularly in awe of this write; I've returned to it time, and time again. This piece is very mature, and well written.
content: 20
grammar: 20
message: 17
revelence: 20
impact: 40 (extra brownies) -
very tender words here you did a very great job here it was a pleasure reading your piece good luck to you in the contest
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Good write here
What a tale here and I enjoyed it very much
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This is a really sad slice of reality... People in general have become crippled to their giving emotions by too many panhandlers that are faking their need. It is horrible the effect this has on those who are truly destitute. Then the double whammy of an emotional attachment to one beneath their own station... is very sad indeed! I loved this it was well written!
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A very deep and poignant depiction of unrequited love, and your masterful diction and form makes this an enviable heart’s labor young man.
Best of luck in the contest,
mj.
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Oh, very nice! Your imagery in this is wonderful, and after reading through several times I can see many layers of meaning within the poem.
I'm rather fond of rhyme, and yours is both subtle and interesting with the use of some near-rhymes. I'm not usually a fan of omitting punctuation, but it reads incredibly good without it. I do have one question though...
"He had thousands, and house to spare"
Everywhere else you use "you" and/or "your", as if speaking to someone in particular, so bringing an unknown "he" into the poem was a tad bit confusing. I'm wondering if "he" shouldn't be "you"? Or am I missing something?
Just one other little thing to note:
“Seventh brick down
below rusted escape ladder”
It works fine in this case, but with “down” and “below” having such similar meanings, you might want to be careful of using them so close together.
Gosh, I wish this was in a PO contest...I can't speak for everyone, but I know for myself it would score very highly.
Great job, and best of luck to you in the contest!
~J.
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very nicely written. (most of the time i don't even bother to say anything about things i have read on here because people get their panties in a big fat wad.) not that its much of a big deal, but personally i think it would be better if you didn't bother to rhyme. the parts with seams, dreams, rotator & separator kind of make me lose interest. maybe its just because i find rhyme to be cheesy. i don't know... it just seems like it would be better if it didn't rhyme. but yeah... i liked this. yay!
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