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Dirty Aspects

 

 

 

 

 

 


canopies of iron skies
leak condensation,
broken beads of sweat
and acid rain.

clotheslines shift
to forgotten gallows,
where she hung spirit
alongside forms
of hollow trees
[that drop wilted bark,
like a snake's skin].

rotted forms
of foundations crack
in icy embraces.

[it got under her flesh.]

 

she rests in metal nests
that hold her broken neck

with wire fingers.

 

sweet suicides
of shattered minds;
life's dirty laundry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

Image by loganart at deviantart.com

1. Chelsea aka Melted Dawn
2. Seventeen
3. I've been writing since I was in grade seven.
4. Freeverse.
5. Formed.
6. Pictures. =)
7. Best Thus Far- PerfectImperfection
Teen Idol- Tangled Angle
Poet's Surviver- Ryno
The Raven Qualifier
8. Getting my poetry in the local paper, getting an HM in The Raven Qualifier, getting fourth in Poet's Surviver.
9. You don't know anything about me. =P (Not in a bad way, we've just never talked, lol.) I'm a nice person, I like to get criticism, so please don't hold back. You can learn more about me from my columns. =P
10. Nothing really.

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

: , Your review:

Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? • Line numbers
: no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?) (Line numbers)

Comments

1 - 28 of 28

  • Minos
    April 18
    Edit | Reply
    very good write

  • ten thousand cicadas gold member
    March 25

    Edit | Reply
    Just letting you know Ryan has been sick but will get the survivor results back to everyone soon! Be well!

    -ten-

  • Cupcrazy gold member
    March 24
    Edit | Reply
    Excellent piece, captivating imagery, great metaphors, I think this was just fab. Hugs, Bunny


  • blackday
    March 22

    Edit | Reply
    Your imagery was dark but not cliche. KUDOSSSSSSS.

    I really did like this poem. I think you have a good "eye" [oh yes, the poetic third eye] for imagery & how to shape it into your poem without having it overpower the meaning.

    The ending really closed it up well.

    You're in. Here's your link. :]]

    http://allpoetry.com/group/show/project%20poetry


  • chugglepuff
    March 22

    Edit | Reply
    The imagery in this is stunning, and I'm impressed that you managed to make laundry seem so dark. It normally just sounds a bit odd when people try to make something meaningful out of something trivial, but you did an amazing job.

    In the first stanza, "bits of acid rain" sounded a little weak to me, I'd have liked something more specific, that gave more of an image. I think you could afford just get rid of "bits of". *shrug* Just a suggestion.
    You also used "forgotten" twice in the second stanza, ("forgotten gallows", "forgotten skin"), and ended the second and third stanzas with "skin". Personally, I'd prefer more variation of words. If this was meaningful repetition then I'm afraid it went flying over my head, sorry about that. ^^;

    I love the way you describe things, and the feeling of conciseness to this piece (it's not that short but it still feels like you get a lot across with fairly few words). I think the fourth stanza is probably my favourite, but it's all fantastic. Good luck!


  • Ryno
    March 22

    Edit | Reply
    I'm happy that you pulled off giving life a possession, witch I've been finding hard for poets to do for me lately because its becoming cliche.

    Theres a great message in this piece that discusses the darkness in depression; the way we veiw life in negativity's eyes....And that itself makes a piece great; a strong message in witch one can relate to, feel, and connect to.

    And utilize Wonderful job

  • B Tha Revolution silver member
    March 19
    Edit | Reply
    beautiful and strong imagery here. Thanks for entering the contest.

  • ten thousand cicadas gold member
    March 17
    Edit | Reply
    Excellent imagery! This has an absolutely captivating, eerie feel to it. The succinct lines give the reader pause to get the full emotive effect. You've done some great things with the internal rhyme and the SOUND of your poem. Love it.

    Very skillful use of the parenthetical quotes! I wasnt sure about that word "their" in the second one. Who was the "they" of "their?"--the forms? the trees? the icy embraces? some people not mentioned in the poem? Maybe more than one of those? It was just a bit unclear to me.

    The juxtaposition of the dirty laundry metaphor with this girl's story was really nicely done. Also, impeccable punctuation throughout--brownie points!

    This line floored me:

    "clotheslines shift
    to forgotten gallows,"

    as it gave a ghostlike effect--a transportation through time and space, that was riveting! Creepy! Also, I thought those two lines infused the picture into the poem, so that the poem could be read without the crutch of the pic, which is always important.

    An excellent write!

  • Mallig gold member
    March 16

    Edit | Reply
    Wow this is excellent! Such vivid, creative metaphor. Really disquieting to read, and that is a testament to how good it is and the visceral emotions it conveys. Bravo!


  • valor
    March 16

    Edit | Reply
    The last two stanzas were....wow. And the metaphor, of course, was brilliant.

    Amazing, amazing write.


  • LadyDementia gold member
    March 15

    Edit | Reply
    A lot of feeling in this piece, nice dark undertones to it. Superbly penned. All the best in the contest with it

  • Laura Lamarca gold member
    March 15

    Edit | Reply
    This contains good metaphor and good imagery...but I do have one or 2 editing suggestions.

    First stanza is excellent and requires no edits.

    Stanza 2, in my personal opinion, would read better as:

    "clotheslines shift
    to forgotten gallows,
    where she hung spirit
    alongside forms
    of hollow trees"

    "the" and "her" serve no real purpose within this stanza and removing them doesn't damage the impact here.

    Also stanza 3 "rotted forms
    of foundations crack"

    And again in stanza 5 "sweet suicides"

    They're just piddly little edits (personal preference on my part) and the choice is entirely yours should you wish to implement the changes.

    Other than that, this is a very good penning. One that I feel you could create a whole other write from


    Good luck!

    La x

  • Everwind Rising
    March 15
    Edit | Reply
    Very good imagery and metaphor!


  • Tangled Angle
    March 14

    Edit | Reply
    i love the poem, but i have to say, the ending was my favorite part. very clever. good luck!



  • simmerdownsima
    March 13
    Edit | Reply
    beautiful the words were accurately and effectively used. i little emo man but still good.

  • Elora Danon silver member
    March 13

    Edit | Reply
    Your imagery is superb and I love the metaphorical essence of the work. Very well done!

    e~


  • Naridill gold member
    March 13

    Edit | Reply
    Lamenting - you got a notch for beautiful imagery. A metaphor so intense yet drifts through emotions.


  • And Hyetal
    March 13

    Edit | Reply
    Holy crap. That picture is just...wow. I don't know what to say. And your poem was amazing to match.

    You...are...awesome.

    ~Cassie


  • x-Black-Butterfly-x Greeters member
    March 13

    Edit | Reply
    you made the odd picture come alive with your wording and depth. it just says so much well done hun

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