Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

~Poisoned Chalice~

Sorrow seeps through the chalice,
venting poison through pale lips
of fragility, as wind whispers tidings
of kings; thralled within my perfect edges,
in heady hopes of wisdom's thick skin;

A wanton wick lights their hardened eyes
dilated with each sword drawn-

I consume them in their insatiable greed,
wringing wraiths of time to foretell destiny;
Realms conquered in desolation's dreams,
gleams with blood of waning men;

Yet, the necromancers nail is driven-
I'm the crucifix of phobic peace,
breeding desire's demons in mock play
of escalating earth to imbue insomnia
and release it, like dust to rot forever...

I'm the riddle of parched tongues,
life's evanescence crystallized;
Hardened in forge of malice and lies
I'm vengeful beauty; a chalice disguised...



Author notes

Picture Credit DeniroJeMakaron

In a list

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 25 of 25
  • ecrivain01 gold member
    June 9
    Edit | Reply

    Very good ...

    and very nicely done. You need to get rid of the "s" on "gleams" in line eleven, and look again at "thralls" since it is a noun, not a verb. The verb is "enthralls".

    Otherwise, this is spot on. Keep on keeping on.


  • Cupcrazy
    March 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I thought this was beautifully written, I loved the language of the piece, the deep meaning behind your words. Your use of assonance and alliteration were wonderful and I thought the line breaks were great, I have to disagree that a block of text doesn't work in free verse, I tend to feel that each piece is totally different, just as opinions are, had you broken this further I think you might have lost the beauty of the flow. I know that free verse is new for you to write somewhat and I think you are doing amazingly well with it ,Excellent imagery, a thoroughly captivating piece. Hugs, Bunny


  • luckynsincere
    March 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi! Welcome to the challenge. THis piece has some great wording. Freeverse is not as easy as it looks I think what bear means about the breaking up of the lines is this... you must carry your creativity even to the line arrangement. Make the eye hungry for more We will be working on that in this challenge too

    At the close of this contest, you will see a link to a group. It is required for you to join this group to continue in this challenge. Look forward to seeing more of you!!

    Mel


  • Ryno
    March 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    There is a wonderful story and message told here, an indepth look shown here and a very strong piece altogether.

    I thought you did a better job with my arch nemisis, the bulky words, as the balanced out and I could feel the flow better... just ran off my toungue.

    I think the descriptions added depth in witch we could relate to; while it was "more telling then showing" I could at least feel from it.

    Not sure am the utilization of chalice at the ending, as you already used it in the title and the poem, so it made me feel like the ending wasn't strong, different or emphasized. I also think you need to work at line breaking.

    Other then that, off course, wonderful


  • ten thousand cicadas gold member
    March 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow! Really impressive. I just LOVE LOVE LOVE the deep characterization in this, both of your speaker and her counterparts. Excellently done. Tremendous imagery that most definitely evokes emotion--a certain tension--within your reader as the piece progresses.

    I loved the beauty of the language of your piece, lots of smooth consonance/assonance/internal and internal rhyme here and there. I thought you broke your piece skillfully into distinct sections of story or description and your line breaks were nicely done all except for one little "no no" in my book--ending a line with a non-meaning enhancing word such as "of" in line three.

    As far as constructive criticism, the main thing that really stood out strongly to me were some grammar/punctuation/word choice errors throughout. For the most part they did not take away from the understanding or enjoyment of the poem, they only served as a slight distraction, making the reader take note of something that was never intended to be noted, (thus breaking the flow, at least, for me). Sometimes when we get so involved in our own pieces, we can overlook things, even when we have edited. I would recommend finding a friend with a good eye for that sort of thing to help you fine tune, after you have edited.

    I mentioned before that I loved the beauty of the language of the piece. It was one of the poem's strongest qualities in my mind. I do want to caution you on one point. After a while, I began to NOTICE your alliteration, meaning, it began to call attention to itself, instead of just adding beauty to the piece. Throughout the poem, you used two words together, beginning with the same consonant. It worked wonderfully the first few times, especially when intermingled with other consonance, but after a while, the technique began to "stick out." If you can find a happy balance wherein, you use the technique, but it's done so well that the beauty, and not the technique jumps out at the reader, you will have mastered that craft.

    This poem had an immediate impressive factor and held me througout. Well done!


    • wakingdevil
      March 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Had written a LONG reply to the comment and then closed it by mistake Ah well...thanks for the constructive critique, only when you mentioned the alliterations did I notice they stick out!I'm not sure about this, but I used the 'of' for the suspense factor I've heard and been told that at times in free verse, a line is left on the brink so as to create a suspense getting to the next line...lol, is it a myth or reality? Thanks a lot anyways, I'm most probably going to stop writing again thanks to school and all, but I'm trying to learn as much as I can within this time


  • autarky
    March 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Beautifully dark imagery, and I love how you brought back the chalice in the end...


    Good luck!


  • Laura Lamarca gold member
    March 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Nice alliteration in this and the added punctuation helps with the flow somewhat. My problem here is with the line-breaks...only end-line rhyme can succeed effectively in one block of writing like this...but free verse has to be broken down, not only to add emphasis to certain parts, but also to allow your audience to know when to breathe or pause and also to dictate the pace at which a piece of poetry should be read etc. Otherwise this becomes a stream of words that forces your readers to have to work hard in order to find the meanings here...the poet should be the one to do the hard work so that reading this becomes a pleasure to your audience. That said, this is a strong piece with well used poetic device.

    Good luck!


    La x


  • Everwind Rising
    March 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Great imagery!


  • Tangled Angle
    March 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    For once, shockingly, I actually agree with Arkbear on something. He's right about the line breaks. (Might want to consider breaking up the poem into stanzas). However, this flowed well (overall) for me. Other than that, I thought you did an excellent job and wish the best of luck in this round.

  • ecrivain01 gold member
    March 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Intriguing write ...

    but you might want to remove the "s" on "gleams" since "realms" is plural. If the subject is plural, the verb doesn't have an "s". If the subject is singular, the verbs have "s"s. I suspect you mean "on" a forge, since it would be difficult to harden anything "in" one. You've done fairly well with this, although I imagine you mean "enthralled" rather than "thralled" which has an entirely different meaning. All in all, not bad.


    • wakingdevil
      March 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the comment but since dreams is plural I think gleams should be too...lol(Not entirely sure on this )Also, I meant 'thralled' and not enthralled for that would change the meaning My grammar is bad and any help is appreciated


  • wbiro gold member
    March 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I see a poet really reaching beyond himself... and when he comes back to himself he'll be all the stronger... I also see a poet trying to squeeze beauty out of the English language, a near-impossible task...!


  • Arkbear gold member
    March 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hi :)

    Welcome to the Poetic Challenge contest ~

     

    I liked your entry....but I think I would have liked it broken up a bit....and let it give the Reader a chance to absorb everything you have penned ~

     

    Lots of great Imagery for sure.....the Flow tend to stop where ever it wanted it seemed.....I think because of the constant stanza :(

     

    Nice storyline.....theme is not all that original....for me......your Tone was sure and your lasting impression is a tad weak for me.....but over-all, nice job ~

     

    In the next few Rounds, you will find I am critical on certain things, such as, Focus, Thought, Creative, Power, Impact, etc ~

     

    I love the talent I just read....you have a natural gift.....just remember to focus, and you'll do fine....good luck,

     

     

    Bear ~

     

    Your score will be sent to Melanie, your Host ~


    • wakingdevil
      March 13, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      I'm not too sure of line breaks, etc since I'm not a free verse writer and still learning lol But I disagree that this didn't flow well, 'beats' or internal rhyming was used just to have a constant flow.Thanks for the comment


      • Arkbear gold member
        March 13, 2008
        Edit | Reply

        :)

        You'll have fun this Challenge....lots of different people seeing your work in lots of different ways ~

        I re-read it again.....nice job,

        Bear ~


  • Elora Danon gold member
    March 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful piece!

    e~


  • Naridill
    March 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Love the last line - was perfect interpretation and reads well.


  • February Moon gold member
    March 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Stunning.


  • individuality gold member
    March 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    constructive - i was looking but you have sorted the grammar ons with the apostrophe where i was noticing in earlier poems and the ellipses, a pet peeve of mine when i see them used wrong. they are right so that just leaves me with the content which is good dark imagery

    • wakingdevil
      March 13, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Heh, got you this time Thanks for taking the time to read!

1 - 25 of 25