_-*~*-_
Timeless watch:
two arrows paralyzed,
the gears in motionless equipoise.
Sunset
glares in slow seconds;
horizon with ceaseless endpoints.
Eyes
see their standstill-
triggered deceptions scatter.
But flashbacks play savagely;
existent smiles
framed
inside these memoirs' ancient spores.
Despair awakes and
teardrops,
reoccurred through stillborn days and nights,
descend from the same eyes;
life- decayed . . .
_-*~*-_
Author notes
It's a new form called Modulus Poetic Form
made by David R. Hall aka Poetic-Theorem.
I really like how the form was created since it has
a unique streak in its structure.
anyway, i used Modulus Form I:
Modulus 3
Syllables (3, 6, 9, 2, 5, 8, 1, 4, 7 )
Modulus 7
Syllables (7, 4, 1, 8, 5, 2, 9, 6, 3 )
wanna try this form out? check this column:
http://allpoetry.com/column/2341039
coz i can't explain it myself, lol XD
well, the theme of this is about a man stranded in an island. don't know where that topic came from but
yeah, Blinded by Third Eye Blind kind of inspired me to write this topic ^^
anyway, comments are appreciated =]
In a list
A contest entry
- New Poetic Form:: Modulus by Poetic-Theorem.
1000 points, ended March 16, 2008, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Open Door by SurelyWritten.
303 points, ended March 28, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Tell me what you think will make this poem better
Comments
-
Honestly there wasn't really anything "wrong" with this poem, but on the flip side, it doesn't really have that "wow" factor, anything to make it stand out.
I struggled when I read this, and tried to comment. I was trying to come up with suggestions to make this poem a little stronger, but I am coming up blank...
I think it seems vague- Not really a story, just descriptions, and I don't know- I guess maybe like you were just putting words to form, forcing it, like you didn't have anything in mind to say..
I'm sorry if this is coming off as harsh, its honestly just how I feel...
I am asking that everyone in the contest send me a message or respond to my comment telling my why they chose the particular poem they entered, for my contest. Only contestants that do this will be eligible for winning when it comes time for judging.
Thanks for entering,
Shirley
(A more critical review may follow during judging, but no applauses will be given to any entry, even the ones that deserve them.) -
-
Quite harsh but at least it is an honest critique. Although, I always hope that there will be at least a helpful critique in every piece I wrote so that I can learn more. But since you can't find any suggestions, it's all right. I didn't know the words here looked force since I was following the Modulus Form but then again, I'm still learning.
Anyway, I entered this piece since I think this is one of pieces that I find to be proud of but my gut tells me that this is not enough to be quite impressive which you had pointed out with this piece lacking the "wow" factor. So thank you for the critique. I pretty much appreciate it.
-
-
The form seams to have been followed perfectly.
Maybe my mind is just in simple mode, but I found the thought in this a little cofusing.
Eyes
see their standstill-
I got lost after this point.
I'm running on about 1 1/2 hours sleep so forgive my ignorence, but I did love the images that came to mind while reading. -
Ecellent
You penned the Modulus form to perfection.
You wrote what I consider the most difficult combo as well.
With that said, you made my Modulus form look amazing.
Thank you very much!
The write itself is splendid.
Vivid Imagination
Wonderful usage of vocabulary and nice smooth flow as well. "Blinded by Third Eye Blind" Very cool
Thank you for entering my contest and I hope you shall try to use the Modulus again!
I really appeciate you!
Wish you the best of luck.
Peace
~David~
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