Ridiculed by M a r l u x i a at All poetry

Swallowed up by earthly substances

Eating their dirtied words -

Radiance is dysfunctional

and ripping at their claws -

Sun smears liquefied grey washed skies

dribbling on the evening landscapes -

Hands broken down, face scarred

with eyes gazing in pleasure of death -

Through every hour, visions beating down,

the tension heals the rising cracks.

Author notes

Inspiration:
"Strong Men" by "Sterling A. Brown"

A contest entry

Harlem Renaissance Reunion - A Contest by poetryality. 1750 points, ended March 30, 2008, 4 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest

Comments

1 - 5 of 5

By me, right now

Adding your comment:
poetryality
March 25, 2008

Edit | Reply

Strong Men
by Sterling A. Brown

"They dragged you from the homeland, They chained you in coffles,
They huddled you spoon-fashion in filthy hatches,
They sold you to give a few gentlemen ease.

They broke you in like oxen, They scourged you, They branded you,
They made your women breeders, They swelled your numbers with bastards.. They taught you the religion they disgraced.
You sang:
Keep a-inchin’ along
Lak a po’ inch worm…
You sang:
By and Bye
I’m gonna lay down this heaby load…
You sang:
Walk togedder, chillen,
Dontcha git weary…
The strong men keep a-comin’ on
The strong men get stronger.

They point with pride to the roads you built for them,
They ride in comfort over the rails you laid for them.
They put hammers in your hands
And said-Drive so much before sundown.
You sang:
Ain’t no hammah
In dis lan’
Strikes lak mine, bebby,
Stikes lak mine.
They copped you in their kitchens,
They penned you in their factories,
They gave you the jobs that they were too good for,
They tried to guarantee happiness to themselves
By shunting dirt and misery to you...."

I had to bring forth your inspiration to understand your words. Please do not take offense to the copy/paste.

YOUR POEM:

"Swallowed up by earthly substances
Eating their dirtied words -"

These lines make me feel that your measure of meat is met through the inferences scribed by Mr. Brown. It is as if you are feeling the pain of these incidents of degradation he mentions within the entire poem. The opening line needs study to analyze. It is a poignant work of words that could be deciphered on many levels.

"Radiance is dysfunctional
and ripping at their claws -"

These lines shed a dark light on the subject and "their claws" makes me see the grabbing, pulling, yes..."clawing" at the victims in this scenario.

All and all your poem works fine for me as inspired by Sterling A. Brown. I do wish you had used a simpler text, even expounded on his slave dialect a bit.

Excellent entry here poet. I do thank you for the time you took to visit our sister site and heighten the work of an African-American poet with your muse.

Much Love & Respect ♥

Renee
secberm
March 20, 2008
Edit | Reply

Excellently executed and wonderful choice in words. To be honest (normally I see things in 2 or 3 different points of views) and a couple of things come to mind but in this context/contest, I see the one. Interesting (actually had to come back to read this.) One.

Dez
Mallig
March 16, 2008

Edit | Reply

Interesting connections drawn in these words to Brown's poem, the violent, harsh verbiage here a strong reflection of the suffering inflicted. Well done!
WisdomWarrior
March 14, 2008

Edit | Reply

This is powerful. I will have to review the original poem to judge the parallel between it and your poem.

Good luck in the contest.

John
Peteskid
March 12, 2008

Edit | Reply

very powerful and vivid, humanizing suffering by the use of startling and symbolic words; such a strong and skillful presentation here...very well done...PK