In a dream i once had,
i could never see,
see the face, of my bride to be
so search i did
for her face and favor
at last i found her
and her vanilla flavor.
Her soft gentle touch
in the palm of my hand
who ever would have thought
we'd be more than friends
your touch is gone
your voice is no more
when i look at your picture
my heart becomes sore.
We started off as poets
just sharing a simple rhyme
but it's good to know
we became more with time
searching for your eyes
i think i lost your gaze
but your bright blue eyes
guide me out of this haze.
I long for your voice
to whisper my name
i say it myself
but it isn't the same
food is getting stale
sleep is rare
without you beside me
life is hard to bear.
With prayer and patience
my dream will come true
when i lift that veil
the bride i see is you.
A contest entry
- your loss; miss me when i'm gone. by c e ll a r . d oo r.
600 points, ended March 20, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 56 of 56
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omigoshh
This is one of the best poems i have ever heard, and I am not exaggerating. This poem is very sweet and it makes me feel inspired. You have great penmanship. Keep writing
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Awe!
OMG I LOVE this one!! it was very touching and it really painted a picture. Someday your dream will come true to hear her whisper your name again and you lifting her veil on your wedding day.
ILY!
This is ONE of my FAVORTIE ones!!
~Ash~ -
Wow...
This is a beautiful poem...
It must not mean much for me to tell you so but you are a gifted wrighter.
Smiles all around as I read this to my cousins.
Great job.
-Never Known.
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it means more than you know to hear that.
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wow this is so beautiful
i love it
she is so luck
god bless
love cassie -
awww this is so beautiful and simple and sweet!!
Sunny~ -
My Favorite Poem
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awesome I the rhyming was gret expeshly towards the end and I love the consepts you used in this poem
great write!! -
awww so prettyful!!! i love it! it was so gawjus
very touching indeed.
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Awww
This is the right one right bro?
I love it! Are you going to propose??
You did an amazing job... you really did.
you bro and i hope she does too
XOXO Jeneralix
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awwww, this was a very heartwarming poem good job on this one !
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Touching
a great write i really like the parts..... heck lets just say I really like the whole thing! -
Sensitive
You lift this litany of loss out of the usual when her blue eyes guide you out of the haze. Last verse is a great picture of lifting a bridal veil and the vail to the next part of life. Very Good Write!
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I really enjoyed the lines "We started off as poets
just sharing a simple rhyme -
This is a moving piece, i especially liked the lines "food is getting stale//sleep is rare" it is an imaginative way to show that time is passing.
Also, while i do not wish to step on anyone's toes about grammar, i support your use of the lower case "i", if you are writing it that way for a reason. In my own handwriting, for some reason, it always shows up, and if one is to look into the study of handwriting, there is a specific set of character traits associated with this peculiarity. -
touching
Starts out good - ending starts to drop off a bit.
Vanilla is usually used to characterize boring. Maybe a better adjective to go with all the other wonderful emotions you are bringing forward. Love the insights of love from the male perspective. -
GREAT WRITE... BROUGHT ME TO DIFFERENT EMOTIONS AT DIFFERENT MOMENTS... AWESOME
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Such soft words for a bride to be, on such a day as a wedding, this is a beautiful prayer to the one you love
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This is Sweet
Hopefully she comes along soon,,, and shes the one for you.. Nicely written.
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Ah yes, the poetry of love.Sometimes dreams do come true.With a bit of luck, your love will come to you.God luck, Ros
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This is such a lovely write with so much love and tenderness. I like rhyme you have used here. WEll done and best of luck for the contest.
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OH MY GOSH, I this.
It's all so sweet, yet sad at the same time.
Loved the stanzas where you described that perfect gal;
"I long for your voice
to whisper my name
i say it myself
but it isn't the same
food is getting stale
sleep is rare
without you beside me
life is hard to bear."
The ending was flawless.
BEST OF LUCK IN THE CONTEST...x
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Sad and poignant.
All poets should get their true loves.
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oh, this is so beautifully penned. best of luck in the contest.
:::::::::: keira
behind.blue.eyes -
Yes!
Finally, a man's point of view on true love, from the heart! This is a thoughtfully written and tender story, reflecting a true romantic's feelings. Great job!! Best of luck in this contest, you've penned a winner!!! Peace, Cyn
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Oh I love this. It is absolutely amazing!!!
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WONDERFUL
Hold fast to youre dreams,this was excellent emotion displayed. Great write LO-AMO!!! SALUTE!!!!! -
This isn't a bad poem, I think it could use more. Maybe a better flow to it, doesn't need to rhymn just to me it needs a different flow.
Though I do love the message your trying to convey. That in itself is very beautiful.
Nice job! -
This is incredibly touching and sweet. I absolutely loved it. Amazing job!
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Liked how you have taken us from that wish at the beginning to the outcome at the end. Interesting dream - wishes do come true in dreams.
Easy to read and understand these words; good flow and creative entry
into this contest.
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magical
I can feel your soul and heart are in this piece. It gave me chills because it is so honest and beautiful and sad and hopeful all at the same time...it evokes alot of powerful emotions. Dreams do come true. -
WOW wonderfully mageistic, for there is nothing greater than following your dreams to the one you love, and so karma is the road map and the rhythm the contact, no matter how short the time feels or how chaotic the confusion becomes if the passion is true, so will the future, and so for sharing these beautifully flowed and chosen words i thank you poet
w cupid arrows and champagne
-jas
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beautiful
this is amazing seriously i love it the imagery is wonderful and it was so much depth and meaning my new favorite!!! -
Cute. not your best poem but still great! is the word "see" in the first stanza to appear twice????? just wondering. Its a really good write. hope you do very well n the contest.
Your AP best friend in the entire world. (just kidding ) lol
Nakatréa
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awwwww!!!!! Man this is good stuff right here! Not only does it rhyme really smoothly but its the sweetest thing ever. Wonderful job! Keep it up!
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Hmmm, i dont really know what to say about this one... i liked it, but i didnt really connect. the grammar annoyed me. i had to read it again... good poem, didnt feel it.
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Its nice, But you asked for constructive critisim. So here goes. First off, Capitalize your I's. Nothing more irritating. Second off, first Stanza, last line, I would leave this out. If you are trying to impress a girl, I dont exactly think this would impress her. I would just leave it out. In the second Stanza you switch from saying "Her" to saying "you" Stick with one or the other, I suggest sticking with "You" Also Second Stanza "who ever would have thought" does not flow very well with the rest of the words. try maybe "Who would have thought" That flows a little better. Other than that, I think it is a well written piece just needing a few corrections. Hope this is what you wanted.
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Wow... This was amazing. And more than a little sad. I loved it though. It was well written and very captivating. Nice write. (Duh!!) Lol Anywayz... I can't wait until you post your next poem. ^.^
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very good
enjoyable read
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The rhyme and subject matter is fabby! Methinks the stanza separation is good, and spelling is all corrct, but one thing...the lower case 'i' all need to be capital...little bit of grammar...sozzy, am a lil picky Apart from that, this is brilliant!
Good Luck!
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Very Good
This poem is simple yet elegant. It displays thoughtfulness and a depth of emotion. Your repetition of "see" was very well done. You rhymed "eyes" with "eyes" which is alright once in awhile to do. In one of my poems I rhymed nature with nature. Just be very aware of when and how often you do something like that. You used the wrong "bare." It should be "bear." Phrases such as "I long for your voice" are very common place. The rest of the poem's sentiment holds it up. But in general I would say that you should try to find an alternative because it is a tad cliché. The only other improvement I would suggest is breaking up the immensity of your stanza. As it stands it is a very long stream of consciousness that can lose the reader just a little. Over all, I am very impressed. Especially with the ending. The image sort of flashes into my mind of the groom lifting his bride's veil. This was well written and I enjoyed it. (Excuse the longevity of my own "stream of consciousness")
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'search I did' -> inversion always bothers me
Nice repetition of 'see, see the face'. Perhaps some stanza breaks would make it easier to read too.
'i long for' == cliche. 'to whisper my voice' == cliche too. bare -> bear. -
wow this is amazing and very heart-felt. i loved the rhyme and the emotions are so well expressed.
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Man, your words really did leave me speechless. All I can see is awesome job!!
i say it myself
but it isn't the same
food is getting stale
sleep is rare
without you beside me
life is hard to bare
with prayer and patience
my dream will come true
when i lift that veil
the bride i see is you
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Your words left me breathless.
Before you get carried away, I mean literally !
I can only speak as I find and I find this poem wanting of some punctuation and capitalisation.
It also loses what ryhmn it had in the middle.
otherwise not bad. -
Oh I love this! This is wonderful. You wrote it with such ease. Your words flowed magically. Thank you for sharing and good luck in the contest! Blessed Be1 ~~Shannon~~
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this is nice in the fact that it has to do with a wish for a wedding...although i think anyone would be suprised to see someone else other than the person they expected.
As a sidenote, id always thought it would be funny to prank a prearranged marriage and put a guy in the brides place, for in some cultures, the groom has no idea who the other person is...
oh well, to dream
thanks for sharing your poetry -
i usually do not like rhyme at all, but you did well and it wasn't cliche at all -- i enjoyed this write, it's a reverse of the prompt, but i have no problem with that; but please do follow the rules and add your username in your authornotes. good luck && thank you for entering!!
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SADD
"your voice is no more
when I look at your picture
my heart becomes sore"
I feel this evertime
I look at his picture.
I miss him erveyday, and
the memories sometimes aren't
enough to hold us through.
Somes times after you lose someone
that you were in love with
you just cant let go,
and nothing but they're voice
will make it better for you.
I loved your poem,
and would love ot read more.
Keep up the nice work.
XxTwigxX
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well done
flows well . . good write for the prompt . . liked "Her soft gentle touch in the palm of my hand" and "with prayer and patience my dream will come true" . . good luck in the contest
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"I long for your voice
to whisper my name
i say it myself
but it isn't the same"
I love that. You used a great reference to all of your senses,"her shin taste like vanilla" Very sweet and romantic.
Good Luck in the contest!
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"at last i found her
and her vanilla flavor"
okay lol i like that line for some reason it makes me smile...good job and keep it up! ttyl!
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This is a personal piece that screams out it is a personal piece.
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Acne and Applesauce
All is well in Teenage Wasteland (except for capitalization rules). When love literally sucks the life out of you, then you know it's real, right m'boy? RIIIIGH! -
How sad.
How sad that the person is gone, but then you have the dreams. Sometimes they come true. But then again some dreams are just best left to where they were, in the recesses of your mind.
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hmm, this is nice, to be honest i only clicked this because i wrote a poem just before yesterday with the exact same title .. i like this poem though. best of luck. -eleno
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