I can’t believe I’m in this mess
Filled with all this stress
Don’t want to be part of your machine
Feel like I want to scream
Can’t survive when I’m so different
And everyone else is so ignorant
Of all this around them
Not listening to what I’ve said
About the truth of this place
Not going to finish the race
Last place too high for me now
Can’t get up off the ground
Afraid of the consequences of my actions
Too slow with all my reactions
Need to fix this
But I’m someone who no one will miss
Can’t fix what’s too far broken
And I’m never going to open
To all the questions and accusations
That are far too invasive
Into my thoughts and who I am
Acting like I’m the Son of Sam
Destroying all of their ideals
Persecuting me is their way to deal
With all the truth I’m telling
Against all the lies they’re selling
I won’t give into you now
I’d rather drown
Give up a life I never wanted
And I’ve always been haunted
By everything I’ve done
And I don’t think I’ve ever won
A single fight in this war
I’m still so damn sore
Only want to get going
And I’ve survived by never showing
My true emotions behind this façade
Just looking for a fair trade
Give me what I want now and forever
And I’ll never come back, ever
Author notes
"I hope to destroy the outside" -- "Bleed Black" by AFI.
A contest entry
- Prompt Contest. (A) by OhNoChastity.
600 points, ended April 6, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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The concept of this poem is very interesting. My interpretation of it is that the man or woman is speaking out against the country, America, and they are smacking him or her down into the typical American citizen--thus the allusion to Son of Sam. I believe that the narrator is contemplating suicide, perhaps in hopes of exposing what is completely underneath and ridding themself of everything.
I loved the line "Persecuting me is their way to deal with all the truth I'm telling." It's often in society that one is looked down upon for speaking their mind. Many times they will be persecuted, as mentioned above. I also love that because this is from the narrator's point of view, he or she sees it as a truth, not an opinion (which is what we all know it really is).
The poem is really interesting, and the concept is good. However, I do think it could be so much stronger without the rhyme. There were definitely some places where I felt like the rhyme was forced, and the A A B B format of it made it slightly jolty and hard to follow. I also found that there were a lot of cliches. For example "Don't want to be a part of your machine". While it does a good job speaking what you want to say, this could be changed into something more appealing and less overused.
Thank you for entering and sharing your talent with me. Keep up the writing!
-Jen
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