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I See America



 

Crest of mighty prow rises upon churning waters ascending bright horizon.  
Oaken craft of toil and labor spent, bounded by hopes and prayers  
cares of a day of arbitrary royal rule  

faded into hopes and tragedy; for time’s a patient mender.  
She sails before ceaseless winds storming airs of yesteryears, matters made and undone  
to exalt freedom of the individual.


Full born in awful strife  
now long adrift in fearful seas
gone to wasteful days led so far astray, away fond heart.

Start anew, reborn in morn of grace; traced from jangling chains to favorite son  
and change flows in paths home from war for it is only love that conquers  
wonders grow, indifferent eyes become cruel;  

youth passed, opporunities lost for abundance and new vigor.
In a shining new day our character counts courage of inspired processions  
smiling souls bask in victorious November duel. 


Cool breath of vital life
inhaled joy of dear liberty,
may war be left  deep in shadows and peace become our great art.

Impart noble conscience, collect her will; never sever nor suffer to estrange
neither range from spirit, dawning light of creation; blessed inspiration to change. 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

Line one: 20- syllables - a
Line two: 16 - syllables - b
Line three: 12 - syllables - c
Line four: 16 - syllables - b
Line five: 20 - syllables - a
Line six: 12 - syllables - c

Line seven: 6 - syllables - d
Line eight: 8 - syllables - e
Line nine: 14 - syllables - f

Line ten: 20 - syllables - a
Line eleven: 16 - syllables - b
Line twelve: 12 - syllables - c
Line thirteen: 16 - syllables - b
Line fourteen: 20 - syllables - a
Line fifteen: 12 - syllables - c

Line sixteen: 6 - syllables - d
Line seventeen: 8 - syllables - e
Line eighteen: 14 - syllables - f

Line nineteen: 20 - syllables - g
Line twenty: 20 - syllables - g

Line-end 2 must rhyme with line-beginning 3.
As will line-end 11 with line-beginning 12.
Line 7's beginning must rhyme with line-end 6.
As must line 16's beginning rhyme with line-end 15.
Line 10's beginning must rhyme with line-end 9.
Line 19's beginning must rhyme with line-end 18.
Line 20's beginning must rhyme with line-end 19.

First line is twenty to ear and third is sixteen to ear, calc disagrees, must be my accent.

http://www.wordcalc.com/index.php

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? • Line numbers
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?) (Line numbers)

Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • DogFish silver member
    March 21
    Edit | Reply

    solid!

  • ecrivain01 silver member
    March 20

    Edit | Reply

    Somehow ...

    I fail to see what's the point in this syllable stuff. To me it's all nonsense.

    Now as to the poem itself, it works fine for me, and seems to say just what you want it to say. That's the important thing in my opinion.

    I have little patience with the people on here who have all these crazy contests with such and such a number of syllables or such and such a number of words. I think it's all a crock and they are seriously demented.

    Anyway, I like the poem, despite all that.

    Thanks for entering.


  • wakingdevil
    March 18

    Edit | Reply
    This was a great write, well defined and expressed but it didn't flow as smoothly for me as I would expect it to, though that didn't take much away from the piece as the content was wonderful.Thanks for entering and best of luck

  • almostgone
    March 15

    Edit | Reply
    Great job with this piece. The form was interesting to write with but needless to say you have done real well with it. Everyone seems to agree with the metaphor this poem has created. Best of luck to you!

  • individuality gold member
    March 12

    Edit | Reply
    i am counting twenty one syllables in the first line, it needs to be twenty.

    i am counting fifteen in the second line, it needs to be sixteen.

    in the first verse the rhyme scheme is not right - the third line needs to rhyme with the sixth line and because you ahve the last line wrong with the rhyme it also means the next verse will be wrong for that must start with the end rhyme of the first verse. your third verse too is wrong with the rhyme - abcbac is the rhyme you have it - abccab


    • Peteskid gold member
      March 12
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for the technical assistance, fixed the sequence, either copied it from an erroneous source or i copied it wrong...no matter; syllable count is 288 by the cited calculator above; i am happy to change but the calc will not confirm the accuracy if i do...thank you for the gentle edits, i enjoyed the form...PK

  • APoeticDreamer
    March 11

    Edit | Reply
    Nicely written. I agree with MariGoes... On the literal and metaphoric images. I could see that in this poem. I enjoyed it. Keep writing.

  • secberm
    March 11

    Edit | Reply
    Yessir. Well done poet. Love the ongoing metaphor used here. You shang-haied me at 'hello'. Write on. One.

    Dez


  • MariGoes gold member
    March 11

    Edit | Reply
    Your poem has both literal and metaphoric images.
    The opening stanza reads as a preview to what is coming next, it creates the set up to the whole image (poem) in such a vivid yet poetic way. Lines evolve smoothly, sensible and flow well into the previous and follow lines. Not familiar with this form, but familiar with the scenes (feelings, thoughts) you show in this poem, part of them anyway.
    I enjoyed what I just read, and liked the way this form gave you freedom to expand your thoughts.
    Excellent!

    Mari

1 - 9 of 9