i can't lay here with you anymore.
the sheets are scratching my bare legs
i'm sweating beneath the stacked five blankets.
you must be cold-blooded.
i gaze at the ceiling
praying for you to wake
and beg me to leave you for good.
i can't do this all on my own.
these sheets must have mosquitoes living in them
because all my legs do is itch
like a thousand bites are dotted over them like polka-dots
on sheer fabric.
i can't lay here with you anymore.
i'm allergic to your skin
stuck to itself with sweat you swear isn't there
under the stacked five blankets.
i'm not cold-blooded.
i can't lay here with you anymore.
A contest entry
- project poetry season one [prewrite & fresh auditions] by blackday.
600 points, ended March 27, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - image + ary = imagery. [1 day] by Ryno.
300 points, ended March 24, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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This is a really interesting piece here. I really liked the spin and take on actually not litterally being able to lay next to someone - it shows really strong roadblocks in difficulties in a relationship - so that, itself was really ingenious.
I think that the imagery could've been spice up a little more; that you could've applied to all of our sense a little more, but you did do a relatively good job with the first. I would've liked to see is the mosquitos had connected to the person you were laying besides more obviously; though I defiantly get the idea behind it - the aggitation of mosquitos at night. Really well done!
Thanks for the entry! Good luck in Teen Idol AND Project poetry (I'll see you around in both). -
This is cool - I like it.
Perhaps cut it down on the pronouns?
Besides that, I thought this was awesome.
Welcome to Teen Idol 8.
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A lot of potential here. You had a very good concept & I loved your ending. You have a good voice, but it just needs refined. I don't have a lot to say, but I think, if you work hard in this contest, you can really come into your own as a poet. :]
Here's the link to the group. You're in.
http://allpoetry.com/group/show/project%20poetry
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1. Name: Chrissy, Porcelain Princess
2. Age: 16
3. Amount of Poetic Experience: Five Years
4. Typical/Strongest Style: Freeverse
5. Unusual/Weakest Style: Most forms
6. Favorite Type of Inspiration: word prompts
7. Amount of Multiround Experience: I've been in one or two and I've hosted one.
8. Some Accomplishments: I won a poetry contest four years ago and got some money out of it.
9. One Fact I Don’t Know About You: I have mild dyslexia.
10. Additional Comments You’d Like Me To Read: Nothing really. ^^
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