Each day, hour, minute, second, and moment
Each eternally the same in this wasteland home
A strained struggle to subdue sorrow
Eyes open, eyes shut
The blink still changes no frame
Destined to dismal existence
Every evil within carefully placed
One by one to create this solitude
To build the empire of the forgotten
This prison kingdom of one
Leaving jagged sands that chew flesh from foot
wading into the known that is his world
backstroking through memory’s waves
in an ocean of ageless wasted tears
brine droplets freed from eyes with no seen horizon
Depression rolls in rhythm again and again
The last lap through a horrid haggard head
Weight of cruel remembered moments
Lure existence down to dreaded depths
Deaths door finally opens, with an invite in.
Author notes
Photo credit: by *rache-engel
http://rache-engel.deviantart.com/art/extinction-79641985
A contest entry
- Promote Your Best, And Get comments while you're at it by RyanosaurusWrecks.
7015 points, ended April 23, 2008, 22 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything goes. by still.she.waits.
600 points, ended April 1, 2008, 113 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Memories can kill!
Comments
1 - 44 of 44
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once again im not disapointed - still as brillant as ever you n your writting are !
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this was a very good piece. good use of imagery
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Hello Garbait
I see your starting to hit the bell curve. It's the place and time where poets just take off. This looks like a breakthrough piece for you. It deserves all the recognition it gets. Your voice has grown.
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The way you wrote this is mind-grasping. The power and depth presented in this piece is overfilling, reaching the brim and about to pour out at every angle. I love the ending, especially - it literally forces the reader into the poem... and as a invite, of course.
Excellent piece. Good luck in the contest!
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commented for the contest you're in.
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Goody. You need an apostrophe in the last line but otherwise some quite good lines. Well done.
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The words! The words are what really draw me...in this line:
Leaving jagged sands that chew flesh from foot
Your metaphors and personification are magnificent!!!!!!!!! Indeed, memories can kill. But what more can I say. I can do this write no justice in sufficient wording, for you've done enough my friend.
Thanks for sharing this grand art of yours with the group. You always amaze and wow me.
Keep penning,
~The INC."
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Depression is a painful and hard thing to go through and you captured much of that pain in this poem. I really like it. especially here:
Destined to dismal existence
Every evil within carefully placed
One by one to create this solitude
To build the empire of the forgotten
This prison kingdom of one
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Such a sad look into the mind of one in a deep clinical depression. I was amazed at the skill you used in metaphoric terms and imagery. You are a very skilled poet. I am glad to have entered this contest. I would never have know you were on here. Best wishes in this contest! Fantastically written!
Shana
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Wow... This was an incredibly powerful poem. Amazingly penned. Great write. ^.^ Good luck.
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Very good! I can see the dying and tortured souls passage as depression hits and they come to the realization of death upon them! Very good!
Great job, I loved how you penned this. Good luck! -
Sounds of torture pour from your write here, nicely done, deep without too much darkness, and flows nicely too not choppy, ya done good on this one.
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It is depressing, but its a good poem, its real, it has something to say, and it has depth , and deepness
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Depressing!
This poem draws the reader right in to the writer's torment. Maybe, there is no way out for the writer except death and for that reason is an almost welcome embrace.
Excellent piece. Well done!
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this was a nice deceptive piece of reality, consistent and great to read thanks for sharing
jezz
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I like the metaphors , I really like the consistent flow, good job
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Very well written I like the metaphor in this Good luck with it in the contest I hope you get lots of votes
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This was great it reminds me of lying on your deathbed and looking back wondering did I do what I wanted? The gray and black work so well with the somber words...
Destined to dismal existence
Every evil within carefully placed
One by one to create this solitude
To build the empire of the forgotten
This prison kingdom of one
This was a superb effort of being lost in ones own mind...Been there done that.....can relate...
Deaths door finally opens, with an invite in.
The sun on the horizon and the sweet release...
Simon
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Very visual. It is sad and tugs at the heart. Waves of depression rolling in just like waves of the sea...I love the graphic too. It enhances the write although it isn't needed.
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wow this poem reaches out to me, I like it.
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I liked every part of this poem but the last line. Which is probably not agreeable. I personally don't like poems about the speaker dying or suicide, so that line would bother me less with some sort of assurance that while the "door finally opens," the speaker doesn't enter.
Still well written, I think.
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Ok where to start .. the overall idea is good, I just feel that you have tried to cram a lot into a short piece, I would expand some the ideas drawing the reader into the main body. Your imagery is very, very good but seems to be hard hitting, not allowing the reader to create something for themselves (that may have been what you were aiming for). NB: I do the same thing .. lol.
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Don't take this personally but I am not sure I cared for this piece. Nothing I can pin point it just doesn't grab me. Alas, we all can't like everything but I will check out more of your work and see what is there. Maybe I am missing something in the interpretation? Sorry.
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So far the comments on this write vary greatly.
It seems obvious that people view things in a completely different manor. Hopefully everyone that reads this piece and the comments about it will, if nothong more, see that a set of word or a line can mean something entirely different to everyone.
I guess what I'm trying to say is it just depends on your mood and frame of mind as to what you see in the words of others.
I do hope everyone who reads this will take something positive with them when they move on. -
this poem speaks volumes to me, even without the picture, which i hardly ever view before the actual poem. however, there were moments i felt haggarded by the BIG words of the write. sometimes, small, simply words are the best way to go. i think that would have influenced you writing better because this is such a intense piece that can just...be one of the most powerful writes ever written.
however, despite that little suggestion, i have no problem with this poem.
good luck in the contest!
x3
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noi golum sfendis
Hello there.
I wasn't sure what to say about this piece of poetry, because it didn't really work on me. The language was too laden with abstract adjectives. It's not what I would consider to be good poetry, because it's generic; it doesn't contain any personal detail.
I don't think you will care that I say this, because this was on your page:
If I offend you I am sorry you were born such a wimp and get your feeling hurt by other people's opinions.
Have a wonderful day,
BJ.
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Thanks for the honesty. I hate sugar coated BS.
I'm glad someone took the time to see I don't want fluff comments.
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not my cup of tea but good job.
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I liked the alliteration you used in the third line and the break down of time in the first. It kind of adds a tone of desperation, I'm not quite sure how, to the poem. Good write and best of luck.
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Liked the alliteration in these lines, the flow and the interpretation of the picture you chose to illustrate this write. Easy to read and understand as well.
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ok i loved it. i dont need to point out any mistakes as others already have. this is something i could feel which made it all the more intense.
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Something about the rhythm of this piece makes this exceptional. I love the flow. It makes this feel really gritty and powerful. The word choice is wonderful here, due to reading this one, I would be even more critical of your other poem (the concrete poem). You have amazing word choice which means you have the potential to make the other one even more powerful.
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I'm glad you enjoyed this one. Be as critical as you like. You don't fix it if you don't know it's broke.
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Impressive stuff, very well written indeed, with skill and fine imagery,
well done and good luck to you,
Floorboards.
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beautiful....BRAVO. my favorite part was:
Destined to dismal existence
Every evil within carefully placed
One by one to create this solitude
To build the empire of the forgotten
This prison kingdom of one
GREAT JOB!!!!! PLEASE RETURN THE FAVOR AS SOON AS YOU CAN.
~Dani~
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A beautiful picture, You display it through your poem wonderfully. Great work here!
~Takayuki~ -
this is great hun
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pretty dark. The wording is impressive, each stanza is strong, good work from the start to the finish.
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Very nicely done for the chosen prompt, i like the way you wrote this, it seems to float right along with the tides. Best of luck to you...Jen
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Great read.
E
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OH SO LOVLY I REALLY FEEL IN THIS ONE -
KEEPP THE POETRY FLOWING
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desparity sounds out in this descriptive write...well done
remember, all must comment on each others writes
-ryan -
garbait
With the exception of two lines in the third stanza you start every line with a capital letter and also have a paucity of punctuation to guide this reader through your poem.
The sudden appearance of two hyphens:
ageless-wasted tears-
and a semi-colon at the end of the first, second and third stanza, I also found mystifying.
I feel that the flow of this interesting poem could be improved by omitting capital letters, except at the beginning of s sentence and, by the use of enjambment,
allowing certain lines to run on into the next.
Thankyou for sharing your work.
Shenton -
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Finally a comment with a point.
I always struggle with puntuation.
Definately not my strong point.
Thank you!
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