Drip, Drip, Drop, goes the rain on the roof,
Like the sound of a thousand troops running across a battlefield.
I sit here listening to the sounds,
And watch as a rainbow is formed in the sky,
It occurs so quickly, like a flash of lightning or a puff of smoke.
I look out the window at the city below wondering,
Whats going on here? Its raining here yet sunny over there,
The people bustling around like ants collecting food for their young.
And I think to myself is that all I am a worker, working for something else.
A contest entry
- Water and Cities by saartha.
650 points, ended March 23, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Stanzas don't actually have to link. If you read the work of some great poets you find that a lot of their stanzas don't connect that smoothly, e.g. John Donne
I think it's a brilliant write and it conjures some intriging images.
I do agree with Saartha on one thing though and that's the fact that you could use some stronger verbs within.
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There is truth to that, though it's not necessarily something I prefer to read. In the end, I guess it comes down to personal writing styles. I dislike broken stanzas, but I suppose it is conceivable that others may have differing opinions
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Thanks for the submission. A few things to critique...
I didn't feel there was much continuation between the two stanzas-- they didn't seem to connect very smoothly.
'Rain on the roof' is a cliche image, but the simile following it is relatively fresh.
I felt your word choice could have been tighter. For example, you used the word the first line you used the weak verb 'goes', when a stronger verb like 'resounds' might have solidified it a little better.
I appreciate your submission, good luck in the contest! -
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I have to say that, that is a very good summary of the poem and a very detail on also. I think your right when it comes to word choice and perhaos I could have linked the stanza's better. Its a point which I won't forget when I come to write more poems. Thanks for the comment and summary ^^
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Thank you for taking my critique maturely, I appreciate you not blowing up in my face for giving an opinion. I always kinda fear giving critique because of that reason, but you handled it well.
Anyway, if you would like to edit the poem before the end of the contest, then feel free. I'll check through all of the poems again at a later date. If you don't feel like it, I certainly understand that (I'm guilty of rarely retooling my own poetry.) -
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Your welcome, I take all comments/critique's well, I always want to knwo any flaws I have in the poem and anything I can improve on, and your comment very much did that and I will most likely alter it at some stage before the contest ends. ^^ Thanks again
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Wow,
A good piece for the given prompt!
Thanks for sharing.
Peace, Timothy aka poeticweaver~
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Your welcome, and thanks for the comment ^^
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