The cries of the helpless
[being less help]
Gum chewing masses
The father, the consumption and the holy self.
The tears from over seas
[from clouds to unfeeling inhuman entity]
the fatherland's water, third birth waters
they care less now you're empty.
The fears of a society
[in traffic jelly, in cellphone finger ornaments]
The fears of a society
in bullet holes in the air, in . . . hearts.
No helpless cares to help.
No father wants a wasted child.
No society is open to hear . . .
the results
of faults
in the father, the consumption and the holy self.
Darkness is
white silence.
Author notes
Is it like to totally obscure? Help me! I don't think I make sense any more.
Should I change father to mother? I mean it fits with the father, the consumption and the holy self (of colonisation and capitalism) but not with the fatherland part, mother land fits better, but then it loses continuity. Oh the dilema!
A contest entry
- white noise by Randomly Beautiful.
300 points, ended March 15, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Fight To The Top! by xxRainbowDawnxx.
525 points, ended March 14, 2008, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Improvements? Like my title.
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Good Job keep it up read some of mine
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Much appreciated is the entry. :f
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Obscure but it's great! I love the mere mockery in the first stanza and I don't know, it's just all a very nice poem, don't make me point out parts I like, that's cruel!
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Don't change it. The concept of Motherland is actually fairly recent. Your home country was your Fatherland up until a few centuries ago.
Good write! -
Oh gosh no, don't change a thing! k8, you're far from not making sense...you've gone avante garde...and I LOVE IT! What a fantastic work...it's one so laden with meanings, layers, ergh, every time I read it, I'm affected in a different. The biggest theme to me seemed to be of a cold hearted authority...hmm, tell me...are you perhaps having problems with/or in deep thought about your own father? because it seems like subconsiously your equating a parental figure to that of society, cold, cold soicety...much like the romans who abandoned the weak babes, you rail againist the pain and abandonment people feel againist this ruthless thing called life. that line, 'Gum chewing masses' describes america so well...and the phrase, 'The father, the consumption and the holy self.' so describes the current marketplace/soicety...father being society as a whole/government, consumption being our constant use of resources and the holy self referring to this trend of me, me, me...quite clever, since quite a few people I know think themselves better then even god...
What a dark change for you though...whereas your poems, on a whole, are optimistic and childlike, with wonder and nogastalia, this one made me well up a bit with tears and search deep within myself, for a deeper meaning...the last three stanza's especialy. Why, I could tell those pauses were real, that you really were thinking deep down into your emotions as well...a dark change, but a brilliant one. You've proved your talent beyond belief, but showing us yet another facet of your writing ability. You're beyond obscure...you're an artist, a true artist.
So bringing this one to the poetry slam...
~Hippie
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I had a real debate with myself over the whole father thing, I wanted it to fit with colonisation authority (male) the religous spin (male) but also imperialism in the sense of pride in the mother land (female) in the end the male won cause it had two points to one and technically a nation could be considered male even though traditionally it is female.
I have no issues with my father, he is great, does good things with indigenous rights, teaches me corporate manipulation, but my father in the sense of my forefathers the colonial oppressors, yeah I have issues with them, they don't want the wasted child that is the lands the ravaged and then left empty . . . perhaps I could spin an alogory of incestial rape in their, but that might be a little to gross for my younger viewers. -
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make a second verision and label it "mature"
that way, you would still have license to make your statement...
~Hippie
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i really liked it. it sounds like ur bashing a type of gov't or christianity. both are cool with me. i really liked this piece thoo.
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Damn, I really didn't want it to be offensive to religion, that just happened, I feel it obscures my point now, it is all that everyone sees.
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no no no, dont do anything to it. keep it the same. in poetry, sometimes, a person gets more then one point across in a poem. everyone reads differently. the point u were trying to get across is in there, but u always made another point in it also. i really like this piece plz dont do anything to it.
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It almost feels like you are bashing religion. If that is the case please remove the piece.
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Like the father is colonialism, the consumption is the son of colonialism, it cried to be feed, the industry that is, and the holy self is the spirit of colonialism, since it was all about the superiority of the British without a care for other ways of life, then or now.
Please don't remove me. -
I was only trying to make it seem like consumption and service to self was the religon of the first world, I wasn't trying to offend.
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NIce,
Like the metaphors, keeps the poet guessing.
Readers love this kinda works, bravo, and pen on.
Peace, Timothy aka poeticweaver~
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Thank you.
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