Ill-defined "passion"
crackles with electricity
that simmers from a thousand quill tips
- each dogged by constant
discontent -
as impatience beckons
with a distinct lack of manners.
Circumstance storms,
sporadically sparking interest,
before thunder casts a callous distraction
dispersing ideas;
each as stark as
a silhouette.
Insanity
ripples
just below the surface
of a solitary raindrop
falling
thick with indecision,
drowning
in the detritus
of my mind.
Anger broods for days
in a wash of static grey
only calm in the eye –
when surrounded by chaos,
effortlessly burying
misplaced aspirations,
leaving me
neither half empty
nor half full
just always
wanting
more.
Author notes
murh.
Read title as a pathetic digression, or apathetic digression, though you smart people probably worked that out anyway.
I think it's ironic for a "personal" piece about me that this showed probably the least amount of my character. This was the hardest one for me to do so far definitely. Especially with the time constraints born from my laziness.
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round 7 (Top 8) by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended March 13, 2008, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~Express Yourself in Shades of Poetry~ by Bean Sidhe.
700 points, ended November 24, 2008, 17 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Suggestions?
Comments
1 - 39 of 39
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First of all, the title gave me a good giggle - I so adore a creative title to begin a poem on a good note. I found myself wondering whether sarcasm played a part in the word passion being encased (captured, perhaps?) in quotations.
"as impatience beckons
with a distinct lack of manners."
I really like this line. Impatience is not well mannered and that fact is often forgotten.
"in a wash of static grey
only calm in the eye –
when surrounded by chaos,"
Incidentally, those three lines are quite applicable to me so I am drawn to them like a moth to an open flame. Lovely use of simple language to convey harsh meaning.
And the ending. Well, anyone that knows me at all should be aware that a good ending means everything to me. This one is abrupt and brutal in its honest, without one little taste of apology. Love it.
I had so hoped that you would be enticed to enter and you did not let me down. Although, I am a little stunned that this is by your own admission evident of the "least amount" of your character.
Thank you for your entry & good luck -
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Yes, sarcasm indeed. It tends to crop up in my writing (life) a lot
Enticed to enter I was, maybe I can come up with something more applicable...
Thanks for the comment!
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aww wow, this is perfect, i dont know, i just loved it, it flows well, keeps the readers intrest, and allows the reader to attach there own ideas and emotions into the poem. nicely done and keep up the excellent writting.
Stephanie ♥
p.s. i always thought something seemed it could not be half full nor empty, but rather is full period, because something fills the void.lol
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Get back into writing is the main objective at the moment
Thanks for your comment
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hehehe, you totally should, what's stopping you?
and you are very welcome
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Work...
But mainly my own laziness. -
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what do you work as?
and awww, i'm lazy too
hmmm, how about you write about the feeling of laziness
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Just schoolwork and coursework (though I could do with money...who couldn't I guess!)
Haha maybe -
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lol. what classes do you take? ^_^
ooohhh, i have a job...i work for tips...its kinda suxxy, im the boss person though, or like the head bagger, but i get pushed around with it.lol
and i get scarred when i get big tips 0.o
i dont know about money though, i mean you need money...but i dont like it :/
i do like getting things and all, but just the thought of money makes me mad alot of the times.
hmmmm, it could work
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Yeah I hear you there. Money is one of those things you can't live without but we'd probably be better off without it.
I take English Language/Literature, Maths, Biology and Film Studies. Howabout you? -
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yes, i use to wish we could get back to how we started out in the colonies, with just working together, trading, and living off our bonds..but thats not going to happen :/
awww....you got fun-ness.lol.
I have trig., spanish II, anatomy, creative writitng/ communication applications, business and computer applications 1, then im the counsulers assistant, History, and english language/literature 11 -
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I sometimes wonder whether I'd love to just go and live somewhere in Europe...like Greece or Italy with such a relaxed and different appraoch to life...but I don't know if I could give up everything you know. Going on the internet every day, having an iPod, being up to date with everything. Well we'll see how I feel after 10 years doing some "real" work.
You got a good range there.
I'm off for a while now, take care, nice to speak to you
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i love travelling.lol. italy is nice, but you have to be careful what area you settle down into and be rpepared for nice long meals they like their food ^_^
i always wanted to go to Greece.lol
hmm whats real work?
haha..unfortunately >.>
aww, okays, talk to you later i hope *hugs*
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Yes. ;)
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hmmmm,,
this really doesnt go with the music im listening to right now.
:]
you know if you read it aloud some of the parts sound like tounge twisters.
:]
alright now on to how much i like the format,
it looks&feels sporadic ((which goes with the poem))
and there are a lot of images floating around my head right now.
i keep re reading it and it get better and better,
damn.
another one who has a way with words.
♥ ♥
[[alexsis]]
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What music you listening to?
Thanks, I appreciate all your kind words -
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metro station- shake it.
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I see two major problems here ...
one is with "silhouette", which is nothing more than an outline seen against a different colored background, and I don't believe a silhouette can be "subtle".
Two is the word "excrement". I haven't known you long, but from what I do know of you, I believe that that word neither describes you nor suits any facet of your personality. I think you mean to use "detritus", which would fit there rather well, whereas the word you did use does not fit at all.
Aside from those things, this is rather well done.
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I love the word "silhouette" so that's my excuse
And yes detritus is a much better word, this was fairly rushed and I didn't know that word at the time! (I do know thanks to www.freerice.com - I recommend you go on it. You'd no doubt know most of the words but it gives rice to the third world so )
Thanks take care x
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now...
I know!! I owe you these guys...
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Lol
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mmmmm!
Like I said you have moved from my sphere, I do not understand the poem. Drop me a line and explain to me... I'm sorry, I have only a small brain. U.F.I. -
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Basically it's about me being sarcastic, angry, impatient, mad, not very coherent
Wow 4-1 to Leicester against West Brom o.O and you're top too!
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I loved it - a felt this piece. I know it's weird but I seen things [whether imaginary or not] but I see things that connect deeply and abstractly to oneself - this was a clever poetic device used.
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Well whether intentional or seen by the reader it is nice to get that kind of response, so thanks Take care x
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Very nice piece..... definitely not terrible!!! Have some confidence in your work, man, you're an awesome poet!!! I loved the whole thing, but the ending was my favorite
Best of luck this round!!!
Love Always,
Caroline
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Haha thank you - if only Tyler liked it as much as you x
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"Insanity
ripples
just below the surface
of a solitary raindrop"
Very telling metaphor. Although this was written as a personal piece, I think it will reach out to alot of people on this site. The creative mind can be a right scattered one.
I love the turbulent atmosphere of this piece, mirrored in your frantic structure and the thoroughly-explored storm metaphor.
The leitmotif in your work is that you always succeed in coming full circle no matter what you write on. I've always had trouble taking an idea and seeing it through with the utter conviction that you display, so it tends to boggle my mind constantly that you do so and make it seem so effortless.
I'd still have liked to see just a little more vulnerability in an introspective poem such as this - mainly because I know how adept you are in empathizing with the emotions of others. It'd be nice to see some of that sensitivity faced inwards. But, that's not to say I didn't totally dig this, because I so did.
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A scattered one most definitely!
Damn you have a good vocabulary!
And no way to you have trouble seeing things through!
Enough witht he exclamation marks!
Yeah I know what you mean...I guess on friday a big thing happened then it was the weekend and I was busy and then I had just a couple of hours to write this and I felt so pressured that I just couldn't put any...me...into it. I might have to come back sometime x
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Well, I feel that you will write something deeply personal when the inspiration is there. If it's not, there's no use forcing it and ending up with something that's too deliberate.
And regarding the vocab, I have a secret weapon...
www.freerice.com
Keeps mah mind sharp and mah conscience (quasi-)clean, lol. -
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I agree
Hey check out this car, it's so damn cute and I've seen them around and decided that I really want one!!!
http://www.terra2imports.ca/ab-images/117990357864664.jpg -
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Oh my god, that's incredible! You'd totally be like 007 in that. Lol. I love it.
My dream car - the Teal '55 Thunderbird.
http://www.portholeauthority.com/thunderbirdETC/tbird/photos/teal3b.jpg -
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Daayyymn good choice. I love old american muscle cars. I have a book of custom cars and they are just so cool.
I think I'd look more like a toddler than 007 tbh x
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89.4
It is very ironic. However, I am really happy that you gave me something, instead of nothing...I know you were on the verge of backing out of the contest for personal reasons...but I am glad you overcame that, and gave me a well written poem.
It is well written, but some of the word choice was kind of cliche, especially in the way it was used; like the whole "falling" "drowning" part. I think if you used one word or the other, it would have worked out; however, it is very common to see those two words in the same poem. I am even guilty of using those two words in like every other poem I used to write like 2 years ago.
Me and Helen were talking about how you've done in the contest...and we both agreed that not only has your poetic talent, basically, improved; but that also your wording has improved a lot. BUT in this poem, I think your back to the way you were when you started out in the contest- well, based on this poem. However, you did have some strong words, such as:
sporadically, callous, aspirations, and silhouette.
Not only are they on the higher end of the vocabulary scale, they are also very mature words that I believe enhanced the poetic quality of this.
I really liked the title. Very cool.
The idea of the ending is very typical, but I did like the way you phrased it.
What really got you though, mainly, is that this lacked personality. And I just didn't feel the emotion. Those were the two main key points I was looking for in this particular round.
Probably one of your weaker poems in the contest, but it is still profound. If you make it to the next round, you know exactly what you are capable of doing- just remember how you did last round.
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Lol I tried my best in the time I had, I have been out most of today so haven't been able to make use of the extra time unfortunately.
Glad you liked the title! Wow that must be like the first one lol
I just couldn't get my personality into this last night...I think because I felt rather pressured to get it done youknow. Aw well, tanks for the comment x -
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After revising my math, I missed a few categories [they were down on the next page of the document...I guess I missed them].
And that is why your score was abnormally low.
Real score: 89.4 -
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And the fact it wasn't very good! Don't worry about it!
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lol! i mean this was nice, but dude...you're so much better than this.
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I agree - to be honest I think your first score was more accurate.
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