Little girls dreamed to ride of rainbows,
on the backs of unicorns, handsome princes
holding on to their waists as they escape
wicked step mothers.
My little high school fantasy of perfection
didn’t seem so out of reach compared to their fairy tales.
Middle school arrived,
the beginning of the life my parched throat longed for,
the grape juice boxes could never quench.
I was ready to take the throne of popularity,
to gobble the sugar cookie hearts of boys,
the ones smothered in bright pink artificial frosting,
my favorite taste......
Regardless to say,
my wishes never came true,
abnormally tall girls with hair
like a birds nest in the color of fire
just didn’t seem to fit the role I prepared my life for.
But I did not dare give up my far fetched dream.
Unrequited love
was the chorus of every song on the
sound track of my life.
Hopeless devotion,
and cliched, senseless, adolescent melancholy
screamed from every lyric.
Abandoned my parents' perfect persona of me,
and still tried and tried to be popular,
to be accepted,
to be perfect....
to be loved.
I was a highlighter-yellow lizard who thought she was a chameleon,
not knowing her role in the animal kingdom,
and couldn't blend in with the crowd
if her life depended on it.
I ground away my image
and blew it away to be swept by the wind
and carried to the hourglass of life.
Each grain floated through the anorexic path
to erosion.
Author notes
Well this was done quickly.
Sorry if you hate it, don't know what I think.
Let me know if there are any typos, etc.
-Lostintheshadows33
****3/11 edited, not sure what I think again hahaha. I believe this is better though.
Would REALLY appriciate some comments!!!!!
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round 7 (Top 8) by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended March 13, 2008, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
let me know how you like it =]
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Bit icky about last line and some lines [well most] seem crowded with words - imagery and more. The whole idea is nicely arranged and you have got some powerful imagery just overloaded in places.
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91.1
While your descriptions create some really cool and precise imagery, this does come off as somewhat wordy.
"the thirst grape flavored juice boxes could never quench"
"I was a high lighter yellow lizard who thought she was a chameleon,"
there were a few other places, but those two spots are exactly what I am talking about.
I love the image, but I think for the first one, you could take out "thirst" and "flavored". As for the second one, "high lighter" should be one word, and then put a dash with "yellow" (so you would get "highlighter-yellow" [it flows better])- while you have the same amount of letters, it does come across as less wordy, and more precise and concise.
I like the title. It's simple, but as I clicked to read it I thought "hmm. I wonder what this is about" And after reading the poem I thought it was a good way to unify the poem with the title.
I think you could take out:
"the point of no return....
I lost myself"
and insert "erosion" after the "to" in what now would[could?] be the last line.
The concept of erosion fits perfectly with your extended metaphor, with the wind and the grain, and so on.
While this is wordy, I think out of all of the poems this had the most precise imagery. I pictured everything in my mind really well.
I like how you focused on the imagery. Simple metaphors, but cool imagery. So it worked!
Overall, well written. Work on making your poems more concise, and you'll hit it out of the ball park.
Good luck!
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Thanks so much for the advice!!!
I agree with everything you had to say. I'm afraid this may be my last write in this particular series, all of the other writes in this are absolutely incredible. But if I do, I went out doing well and I have improved so much. I can't tell you how much this contest series has helped me grow. But if I go out, I did the best I could and I'm happy.
And I'll probably try season eight.
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I think you definitely should try out for season 8. You'd have a shot. I am surprised at how fast you improve...that is a great quality to have. And I respect that a lot.
And you're welcome. To hear that means a lot to me...that is exactly what I hope for the contestants to gain from the contest.
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I really like the end of the first stanza
And the ending of the second
Unrequited love
was the chorus of every song on the
sound track of my life. - Probably my favourite part
I was a high lighter yellow lizard who that she was a chameleon - awesome though by "that" I think you mean "thought"
I like the ending too, overall a pretty good piece! Good luck to you too x
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You have three typos from what I can see... artificial with the frosting, tryigng is supposed to be trying in the chameleon part and in the last line I think you may have a word missing. :/
to gobble the sugar cookie hearts of boys,
the ones smothered in bright pink artifical frosting,
my favorite taste......
definitely my favorite part*
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