Her crime was treachery against my father:
She couldn’t take it anymore.
Words spouted from her mouth
A fountain, overflowing, unstoppable
With truths a twelve year old would never want to hear
About her hero. In anticipation of his return
I would collect coal pieces in the backyard to bring to him
Maybe he would get money out of them
Maybe he wouldn’t have to work so much.
He vacated the premises echoing empty promises
“This will hurt me more than it will hurt you.”
A crying, screaming, sputtering mess was left of my mother;
She couldn’t take it anymore.
I became the broken shoulder, the foundation
With cracks underneath the surface;
Her tears rained down my insides
Eroding my sanity, my control…
Trembling hands had a chokehold on skinny scarred legs:
First bike ride, neighborhood football games, rollerblading without knee pads
Where was he? Working… always working?
She pulled me into her treacherous tumult
Unable to hate him, to refuse that decrepit smile
Behind his coal-stained face and Bud Light aftershave.
I was buried within my self-control
Hiding the constant replay of my sister screaming for Daddy
My mother crying from the bathroom
When I looked him in the eyes.
I wasn’t supposed to know the truth
That he wasn’t with his other family all the nights
He wasn’t with us.
I couldn’t take it anymore.
Our punishment was waiting to hear him come through our door,
Expecting him to pick us,
To come back for good.
Author notes
Ah.Sosha.
This is something I've been wanting to write about for a while now... it wasn't the best thing I've written, but it was kind of hard to write about so don't be too harsh. I'll be editing it soon.
If you wonder about the title... just ask.
Enjoy
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round 7 (Top 8) by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended March 13, 2008, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Teen Idol 7: Round 11 [Top 3 - Finals] Part 2/5 by Tangled Angle.
650 points, ended May 2, 2008, 3 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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-echoes my previous comment-
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You showed beautiful emotions - I love the lack of use of pronouns and this piece definitely shows what we were after. A very nicely described with imagery and metaphors.
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Wow....what a powerful write. The emotion is overwhelming in the best way possible. I love the story of this piece. You always tell a story, but this one was exceptionally strong.
Best of luck this round.
Love Always,
Caroline
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96.0
While this isn't your most well written poem [phrasing-wise], I can honestly tell you that this is my favorite of yours out of the poems you have written for this season. Your story was something that I wouldn't have expected, so it really had my attention. I really like the title too. I think it gives the poem A LOT more meaning, not just on a personal/emotional level, but on a society/political level. It's as if this poem, written about your situation, is a microcosm of society/politics. Intentional, or not, that is what I got from this. I thought the ideas and thoughts in this were great.
As for my interpretation on the allegorical level. I believe the relationship between your mother and father symbolizes the monarchy ["Fall of Monarchy" symbolizing the fall of their marriage" (and vice-versa)]. And I also believe that you, the child, represents society. (And this is also why I had a hard time understanding why you put your sister/brother in there. Maybe there is more meaning to it. But I can't put that piece into my interpretation's puzzle.) But all in all, I thought the choice of title was perfect.
There were a few bumps in the road when it came to phrasing:
"truths a twelve year old never would want to hear
about her hero.
This will hurt me more than it will hurt you...
All the lies he spun self-destructing"
-in that middle line, you switched the tenses. That messed up the flow a bit, because I had to think back and recollect the ideas again to make sure what I was reading was very well what you were writing.
"Screaming sibling: Where is Daddy, Sissy?"
-I think you could have left that out, even if she did say that. I think by taking her part out, the focus would be entirely on you. You didn't have any real interaction with her [at that moment - according to your poem], so by having that in there, the focus goes off in that one line. But in the next line, you get back on track. I believe your poem would be stronger without it.
In contrast to that weak point in characterization, the kind of relationship you showed with your mother and with your father that was described enhanced your poem. It is clear that they are a huge reason why you are the person you are today. I think overall, you did an excellent job in the characterization area.
There were other places, such as right here, where you lost consistency with your tenses:
"Screaming sibling: Where is Daddy, Sissy?
mother crying from the bathroom--
reverberating within my mind
each time he looked me in the eyes,"
However, I do like how it is like a flashback. I think if the flashback effect is what you intended, then I suggest that you move the stanzas that are like that more centered, more indented--not too much though. By doing that, you are telling the reader that there is some kind of change that is needed to be recognized to emphasize the message you are trying to tell the reader.
The web of lies metaphor is very cliche, for you. Especially with the way it was used. I believe if you extended that metaphor by giving the poem an arachnid theme, it would have been better; or you could have used a different metaphor entirely; something more deep, unique- that would have opened more doors to stronger imagery.
The wording in the end was simple, but I really like it. It worked to your advantage. It's the most moving part of the poem, besides the next part I'm about to mention [which was the strongest part of the poem].
I absolutely loved the metaphor in this part:
"A crying, screaming, sputtering mess
was left of my mother.
She couldn't take it anymore.
I was the broken shoulder, the foundation
with cracks underneath the surface
Her tears rained down my insides
eroding my sanity, my control...
trembling hands had a choke hold
on skinny scarred legs:"
(By the way: in the line 2 of that stanza, I would put a semi colon ( ; ) after "mother". Then I would change the "S" in "She" in line 3 to lower case.
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I would also change "was" in line 4 to "became" [it would make some great alliteration].
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In line 5 I would add a semi colon after "surface", and then in line 6 change the "H" in "Her" to lower case.
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In line 7, "choke hold" would flow better as one word.)
Anyway, with those suggestions put aside; that stanza was amazing! I loved it. You balanced the emotion perfectly with the metaphor; and the imagery used emphasizes the passion and the message...perfectly. After I read that stanza I thought "Wow, she is doing really great."
I am really impressed by this. You've impressed me every time, but this time...I thought it was pretty damn good. Probably your most well thought out poem so far in the contest.
As for improvement, simply stated: work on word choice, and a bit on the phrasing. Try to make the poem flow as much as possible (this can be achieved with proper and precise use of line breaking and punctuation).
I will be shocked if you are eliminated this round. Good luck.
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I will be back to change some things asap... have to go to my poetry class tonight.
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