I used to dream of dancing
in endless, sparkling rain,
spinning and twirling forever;
never fearing the mud...
simply dancing.
I could wait in quiet trees,
while men fought their wars;
sleeping in delicate branches
as they stained the pure snow...
just waiting.
Using my bright spyglass,
to see things through a lense--
things that they couldn't see,
for only I knew them...
all the while watching.
They would rise, standing
on coltish legs, losing
what I would never lose;
they wouldn't know it was gone...
as I clung to it.
As hawks they soared,
while I was a sparrow,
for sparrows know best
the sweetness of sunshine...
and nothing of night.
Wrapped in a cloak made
from flowers and fairytales;
shielding myself from shadows
and ever-growing whispers...
secret longings.
My will could surpass
the grinding of time;
the slowly slipping sand was
a beach for me to play in...
constructing castles.
Yet the wheels still turn,
and castles fall; cloaks hide
their own shadowy phantoms.
But I still remember dancing...
dancing in the rain,
laughing at the snow.
Author notes
When I was ten years old, I decided that I wasn't going to grow up.
Needless to say, this didn't work out so well...but I'm okay with it now. Anyway, that's the inspiration for this poem, but I think it can sort of be read in different ways, too.
*upon rereading*
Yuck.
Yuck, yuck, yuck.
Um, I don't like this. Hopefully it's better than nothing...
As you can see, SuperKaitlin was defeated. I think that poet-Kaitlin threw a pen at her.
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round 7 (Top 8) by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended March 13, 2008, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Love the title and love the ending - you have given emotions in punches and delivered such a beautiful response to prompt.
Some imagery a little overdone but over-all, beautiful.
-
Yuck? *snorts* You obviously don't know the definition of the word yuck.
This was a lovely piece, very enjoyable. I adored the bit about the hawks and sparrows.
Best of luck this round.
Love Always,
Caroline
-
93.5
I think the medieval theme you used was really cool, and a unique spin. It's different from most of the other poems in the contest so far.
While this could have used more of a variety when it came to layout, I thought what you had here was pretty good. You stayed to true the structure of this, even though it was free verse, and I thought it had a nice, steady, and controlled flow to it.
I think the imagery and the word choice [simple] emphasized the naivete of a 10 year old girl, who never wants to grow up.
I don't know why you think this poem is "yuck", I thought- even though this isn't your strongest poem- that this was very profound and original.
The only real beef I have with this is the title. Besides that, I don't have any substantial criticism.
Good luck.
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