He walked in the door
a little John Wayne
a little Jesus Christ
six foot tall
giant guns on his hips
so emaciated you can count all his ribs.
twelve bullets flew and
twelve persons fell
reload
repeat
the deafening clash never ended
until all you could count was the dead.
He stood among patrons
of the local pub
and made a decision
like he always does
that he would never do this again...
never again
see blood on their faces
and blood on the floor
but forever carry
their blood on his hands.
He sighed,
sheathed his hard steel
turned on his heel
and walked right back out that door.
That wasn’t the first time
and wasn’t the last
that he shot the hot lead,
and dropped steaming brass
leaving no trace
but the spent cartridges strewn about.
He knocked the dust off his boots
and kept walking on;
humming a tune,
couldn’t remember the song
unsheathed his steel
and just let them play on
that deafening clash never ended.
Author notes
Option 1 (I hope).
A contest entry
- Brilliant and/or Funny by A Dreamer Awake.
800 points, ended March 29, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - FANCY A QUICKIE ? (just got some more points) by tarcus.
525 points, ended March 13, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything goes. by still.she.waits.
600 points, ended April 1, 2008, 113 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What say you?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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L17 I'd replace the comma at the end with an ellipse "..." that way "never again" is free to continue to the next stanza instead of being an emphasised repeat of "never"
L18 I'd remove "the"
L31 a comma would allow breath at the end of that line
L36 a semi-colon there & a comma at the end of L37
It just clarifies the flow for your readers, dictating where to breathe. Content is brilliant
Thanks for sharing.
Laura x
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Thanks for the advice. I don't think I can argue on any count. I have a hard time identifying the need for making changes on my own volition once written.
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meow meow
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"a little John Wayne
a little Jesus Christ " WOW!
Love the image this left me with!
I do love westerns so this was a real
treat for me!
Love the flow and the detail--
I could almost here him whistling
as he walked away!
Did I mention that I love it!
Good luck in the contest!
~Pastel
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Wow, I didn't know anybody still liked westerns. Thanks for the comment Pastel, I appreciate it.
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Interesting psychologically and in the style you have written. I like the way you incorporate rhyme and continue the flow. It really is quite a unique concept as opposed to many poems. Best of luck in the contest.
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Reminds me of a Clint Eastwood movie - one of the spaghetti westerns from way back in the good old days; the reruns which we see on tv every now and then. Liked the flow and the story told in these lines.
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