Choices

Somewhere ahead,
There is a map I cannot read
Guiding me toward the unknown path
I have to take.
That's my road
My challenge,
My fight.

At crossroads
I sit and think.
Which way should I go?

Chilling fear is wrapping me in a cocoon.
I am afraid of choosing wrong
And missing my true love.
I am afraid of choosing wrong
And disappointing mom.

Should I take the road to the left?
It looks easier to walk
On the road through the forest,
Close to the river,
Walking in the shade,
Evading the burning sun.
Through happiness
I'll find my unknown road.

Should I take the road to the right?
It seems harder though,
I'll have to cross the mountains,
And after that,
I'll have to swim an ocean,
Just to get to my unknown path.

Confused,I look around.
The forest road
Is so peaceful,
So pretty,
So calm
While the mountain road
Seems dangerous and scary.
I stare a it.
My heart starts racing
My anxiety's taking over
My body
My mind
My soul.

I long to walk the forest road.
I long for tranquility
For I'm a troubled soul.
Yet that's not the one
Mom will ever let me take.
She's always told me
Taking the hardest road will-
Prepare me for the future
And help me understand the map
If I'll later find it.

But I'm exhausted.
I'm sick and tired of always taking
The road I don't want
The road I'm most afraid of
The hardest road of all.
So stressed,
So tired,
So hurt,
So antisocial-
These roads always make me.
I'm done!

I don't want to take the mountain road
Yet I bet
That's not what she wants.
Once more I'll disappoint mom.
My heart is racing
It's becoming harder to breathe
As ten thousand pounds of pressure
Are laying on my chest.
I sit on the stone
Separating the two roads.

Please let me go!
Please let me go!
Don't torture me!
Please for once
Let me take the easy way out!
Don't make me take once more
The road that will lead to my demise!
I'm in pieces anyways
Broken by the other roads
Alone
As no one listens
As no one cares
But you mom!
Please let me go!

A soft voice reaches my ear
Though no one is around me.

"Go!
Take the challenge.
There is strength in you
In an unknown place.
Find it!
Take the mountain road.
The hard roads are for you.

Go!
Don't back away!
Forget the temptation
Of taking the easy way out!
Take the mountain road,
And later you'll be happy.
Take the mountain road!

Stop being afraid!
You're always afraid
Before the hard roads.
Yet you always
Get through them
Perfectly, flawlessly."

"But what if I fail?"-
I hear myself saying to thin air
"What if it's not the right way?
I always mess up.
I always fail.
I always miss what's important.
If I fail
You'll be disappointed
And I will be alone
Having to face my demons
On the hardest
Most exhausting road.
How will I confront them,
The demons
The shadows
Alone?

No, I prefer the forest road.
It's safe.It's tranquil.
I won't mess up.
That's my niche.
I can't fail there.
There I'll be happy.
My life will be easier.
Please let me go!"

"Once more
You back away from growing up!
Learn to deal with responsibilities of failure!
Learn to battle your fears!
Take the mountain road!
You'll make mistakes
But you'll learn.
You'll hurt yourself
But your experience one day will help you-
Decipher the map you cannot read.

Don't back away!
This is the right way
And it will lead you
To the map you cannot read
To the road you don't yet know.

Go!
Take a step and breathe.
Stop panicking like a little child!
Leave your childhood behind
The past is over
The future begins.
Forget your big mistake.
Forget the pain you caused yourself.
Trust me that one day
He'll forgive you.
Just don't stop!
Stopping makes you weak.
Don't be so unsure.
Don't think of the easy way-
That will one day break you.
Listen to me.
Take the mountain road!"

"But what if-"
I say the words
Yet again she cuts me off.
"Stop saying 'but what if'.
Stop being so insecure
Gosh!You'll never make it this way.
Be confident.
Trust me,
One day you will succeed.
Just take the mountain road!"

Against my will,
Against my heart,
Against my soul
I get up.
Once again
I'm forced to take
The hardest road.