I felt your familiar embrace about me
Your long arms holding me safe
Your hand on mine, keeping it warm
I've never been warm since you left me
I even felt your breath on the nape of my neck
And again heard it's comforting rhythm
That used to be the only thing to put me to sleep
Before the pills my doctor gave me to replace you
In those few moments before waking
I was the happiest I'd been in years
I smiled, turning to see your sleeping face
And my world became as empty as the wall staring back
Author notes
- 08 March 2008 -
I removed the first line. I think it would also look good at the end, but I like how it ends too much right now Thanks for all the comments
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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And my world became as empty as the wall staring back
wow. This line alone is absoultly stunning.
I have a poem this reminds me of. 'your not here anymore'
about seeing my papaw, and remembering everything about him, but really he died many years ago.
[thats just kinda what this reminded me of]
thanks for entering. -
So sweet.
I love the ending.
thanks for entering,
good luck. -
This is really sweet(: Thanks for sharing.
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Yes, I think it would be better starkly on its own at the end, or omitted altogether for preference... make the poem a little more subtle, perhaps. Hmmm...
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Thank you for your entry, good luck, Josie
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Personally I would end this poem with that single line. It kind of takes away from the poem as a whole by beginning with that line. But by ending the poem with it, I personally think it will add to the depth and dimension of it. I hope this helps...
Becky
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good luck with the contest isn't that what we all want someone to keep us warm good write thanks for sharing regards zaj
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First line is not needed, but that does not mean it is not a good addition. Sometimes we don't want to wake up, but stay in slumber longer with the delicious dreams we are having. Can understand this in your lines; sentiments well expressed, easy to read and understand.
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I loved the poem. It was a sad, but in the midle you let the reader feel the love of a once good part of your life.
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I see the title and I believed it was about guilt. But when I actually read the poem. It's obivous that it is about guilt of a lost love that shouldn't have ended. You take me, the reader ,on the journey thorough your hell in just 13 lines.
In those few moments before waking
I was the happiest I'd been in years
I smiled, turning to see your sleeping face
And my world became as empty as the wall staring back
It used very effectively. It bring to wonder that this only a taste of what has happened and makes one wonder if you'll ever find redemption. This is a great write. Hope you find redemption.
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i think the first line would make no diffrence if you left it their or not.....but i love this its very interesting....and dreams let a mind soar with thoughts that you fight to ingnore sometimes wile awake...thank you for helping me put words on my thoughts, i relate to this in many ways
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