I can't walk away from this unscathed,unchanged
Distraction was the attraction...an escape from the real and tainted.
I'm not built this way...to pretend like I'm numb when I'm not.
You make me feel turbulent and charged.
Electric and free.
Wanted and unwanted.
I want to be something I cannot to you both lover and friend.
Tantalizing and warm.
Seductive and nurturing.
But matter is science, proven and real
In this we are not the only ones that matter.
You pull me in and push me away
as you should, shouldn't, can and do.
The challenge is tempting and delicious.
Emotion and fear swells
Aching in my chest, my mouth, my legs
tingling between my thighs.
You remind me that I am damaged and provocative.
Passionate and detached.
Tempting and lame.
You breathe life into me
Then you disappear into the darkness.
I can feel the love you won't allow
It's discouraging and addictive.
Hot and dripping like honey off the comb.
Sweet like the sting of the bee.
You keep yourself hidden
saved, sheltered as you should, shouldn't, can and do.
It's my fault; I'm responsible.
I whispered your name to the universe and you came
To me, inside me leaving your scent on my skin.
Your unique fingerprints on my soul.
Your precious kiss on my lips.
"Be careful what you ask for," falls on deaf ears.
We can't walk away from this unscathed…unchanged.
Something is going to happen
I can feel it.
Something painfully beautiful...
JLCM
A contest entry
- Contest by NoUseForAName.
600 points, ended March 19, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think, honestly?
Comments
-
Since you asked what I think honestly...
I think this needs heavy revision. There is a good poem here, but it is buried. My suggestion is to strip it down to the bare minimum and build it back up.
Here's an example of what I mean:
"I can't walk away from this unscathed... unchanged..."
Keep these "unscathed" and "unchanged".
In the next line keep "distraction", "attraction", "escape" and "tainted".
Pull the strongest words from each line and discard everything else. Then start with those words. It's labor intensive, for sure.
But the focus needs to be redirected a little in order for this to be really good. And it can be really good, it's all there already, just the words are rearranged wrong.
I would work on the grammar as well in revising.
Again though, this has the potential to be really good. I'm interested in seeing what you do with it.
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