hysteria grew in waves of anxious fears
loss of sight transformed each mortal's sphere
with dread of joining the invalids who only hear
mortals chose reverence to live another year
paralyzed with that chilling knowledge austere
each would scream and shudders would soon appear
psycho beings stole the eyes of solitary deer
only doctors could make them somehow hear
faith alone will chasten all to adhere
never panic when dread is near
Author notes
prompt: fear (theme)
*PO Contest*
Fantasy
monorhyme
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW by Arkbear.
750 points, ended March 9, 2008, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
-
excellent
So very well done and creative. Congratulations on the honorable mention.
-
In a lot of ways, this is the most unique entry this week...and being unique and creative is always a good thing here.
I can‘t put my finger on where the power and impact are lacking, but I do wish there had been an “aha!” moment at the end of this...just something to bring all the lovely elements together for a more cohesive feel. I do think fantasy pieces are more difficult to get a reader to relate to and feel emotion from, so very brave of you to give it a shot.
. My best suggestion would be to take advantage of all the lines allowed in the PO contests, and try to develop the story a bit more...although “story” poems are not generally allowed, I think based on what I see here you could cut it close while still keeping it in poetic form.
I seldom like poetry that monorhymes, so again...very impressive and brave!
There are several areas this should score very well in, and it was a joy to read something so different. Thanks you for your entry, and good luck!
Best wishes,
~J.
-
Cool entry ~
Like I said to another Poet, this would sound great if it had a Rap melody put to it ~
Your meter is really good, and your rhyming is done pretty good ~
The message is strong, but your metaphores seem to be a little stronger, and therefore makes me wait for the hidden Theme.....and it just didn't hit as strongly as I would have liked it to :(
However, this is most different for your talent.....I have never seen a poem of this genre or style from you....I don't think ~
Nice job for sure :)
Presented well......not a fan of centering lines like this, but it seemed to work for Flow....this time :)
Good luck to you and your entry my Friend,
Bear ~
Title 9.35
Flow 9.65
Depth 9.3
Theme 8.75...not really conclusive on your focused theme
Feelings 9.2
Grammar 9.45
Presentation 9.85
Uncommonness 9.5
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.15
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 94.2
Not a bad score....good luck!
:)
No editing once a judge has touched your work ~
-
-
thanks
glad that you liked this one a little better . . I see the fear theme was not exactly how you wanted it . . thanks for the excellent score . .
-
-
Vey interesting write...I like your choice to make this all in lower case, and I think your theme and title are good. You have some very unique phrases, I like: "paralyzed with that chilling knowledge austere, each would scream and shudders would soon appear, psycho beings stole the eyes of solitary deer..."
Thanks for this entry!
My Scores:
Rules: 10
Title: 10
Theme: 10
Imagery: 9.4
Flow: 9.7
Depth: 9
Imagination: 9.6
Grammar: 10
Ponder Effect: 9.5
Language Use: 10
Total Scores: 97.2
Very unique! Remember, once a judge has touched your work, no editing please!
-
-
thanks
appreciate the critique and the high marks on blind devotion . . so glad you liked the fear fantasy . .
-
-
A fantastic take on the prompt. You have done a good job and created some awesome imagery. I like the rhyme being the same, nice touch. I see no problem with the colours, can read it fine but you may want to check the rules, I think you have to have black font. Very best of luck in the contest
-
-
thanks
just a new color I wanted to try . . last entry so no time to fix until now . .
-
-
Nice penning!
Not sure if anyone else has this problem...but I have "old" eyes and your background/font combo is hard to read (for me). Best wishes in the contest!
Write on!
*PEACE*
-
-
thanks
just a new color I wanted to try . .
-
-
I like this! I like the end-line rhyming all the way through - gives it a nice read and feel. Great wording, reads nicely, full of emotion.
best wishes in your contest.
-
-
thanks
appreciate the compliments . .
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 12 of 12
