Every ounce reminds me
of the weight of your words.
Simple sentence spoken.
Prolific resemblance of character.
Saltwater crashes dock.
Senses toiling steady
although I'm not anchored.
And you are labeled ghost by Channel 10.
My brother is with me
a half son to you.
And if you're accepting,
he is thanking the guidance.
Sifting bone with my life-line
I throw you against wind.
Just need to feel your stubble
on my face once more.
Damn the gusting spray,
it sends me back to the pier.
Four hooks for a quarter.
You talked him down to ten.
From oranges to revolver,
to just last weekend snows,
Every second rips ribcage.
Who can love my needy mother?
Strangely your last wish
to be cast over water.
Never a fine swimmer.
They found you six hours later.
But strength fills my marrow,
spitting image of your persona.
I can separate dirt from gold.
If only the power to bring you back.
Author notes
POW CONTEST
In a list
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW by Arkbear.
750 points, ended March 9, 2008, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Intense Emotion - PW Welcome by Heavens Child.
300 points, ended May 31, 2008, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Very well written. The imagery is excellently done, it really gives the reader a look inside. Best wishes and thank you for entering.
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Wow so diffrent from the last I read. Way to get out of the mind-box. Percious write, powerful and beautifly written. Well done.
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Very well written and sculpted poem . I enjoy the style that you have and I see that many do also. Congratulations on the gold and well deserved at that.
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Congrats on the gold!!
Just to say congrats on the gold...very well earned
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Hi Ryan,
You know...I remember not even a year back reading some of your poetry, and feeling like you hid so much of yourself behind metaphors, the language you often used, and sometimes difficult to follow associations. This poem here is a fantastic example of the improvements I’ve seen since then, really excellently done.
There are a couple of places that might need tweaking for flow, but for the most part no problems. The only thing you might want to consider is to make sure you keep your focus, and not add details that aren’t going to add power, impact, and importance to your subject. In particular, I’d question the passage about your brother, the line about your mother (although I love that line) and this stanza:
“Damn the gusting spray,
it sends me back to the pier.
Four hooks for a quarter.
You talked him down to ten.”
A lot depends on where you want your focus to be - on you and your actions and feelings? On who your father was to each of these people? You’ve brought in a lot of outside “subplots“, so to speak. Only you know if they are all necessary, but something to keep in mind in any case. Since the theme of this POW is fear, I’d have liked to see you keep more focus on yourself...but you’ve still done a fine job, and probably better to have written this the exact way you wanted, instead of letting the PO theme dictate too much.
Really, I have nothing more I can critique. Yay!
Thanks so much for another great entry, and good luck. As usual, my scores will be revealed in the final notes of the contest.
Best wishes,
~J.
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I really like this poem, Rhino...you have such an interesting way of writing. I like your theme, language, and ability to help us think through your words and meaning. Excellent! I like your flow, and the story this tell also.
My Scores:
Rules: 10
Theme: 10
Title: 10
Language: 10
Imagery: 9.5
Flow: 10
Depth: 9.5
Imagination: 9.8
Grammar: 10
Ponder Effect: 9.9
Total Scores: 98.7
Great write! Remember, once a judge has touched your work, no editing please! Thanks for this entry!
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Nice job ~
*against THE wind*?
A superb job bringing your Theme into Focus and letting us all see this heartfelt picture you've painted ~
Nice job on Flow....a few areas I stumbled on, but caught on to your style and format after that ~
Not really too much to critique about this write, as you have Power and lasting Impression IMO....and that will give you higher scores :)
Great job on this, and I truly feel you have made progress in investigating your thoughts, about how you are going to feel if and when this really has to happen ~
I stand behind you and ask God to give you strength in your decision :)
Thanks for sharing your talents with us,
Bear ~
Title 10
Flow 9.6
Depth 9.95
Theme 10
Feelings 10
Grammar 9.95
Presentation 9.8
Uncommonness 10
Sit & Ponder Affect 10
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 99.3
Another great score....good luck!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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This is soooo fine!
Amazingly so, you might get away with it being over line limit....check the rules this time and see! I'd hate for you to loose points on such a great piece!
Write on and on and on!
*PEACE*
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A very touching scene.. you impress me with your imagery!
I feel as I am witness to this scene and also the thoughts in your head.
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A very sad piece, you have done really well writing this. It must have been a difficult subject to do. I do like some of the phrases you have used, made for some unique imagery. Superbly penned, good luck
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Not an easy theme to write on, but you've done a fine job. I recently just picked up my father's ashes and have them in a beautiful Eagle urn in my living room - I can't think about scattering them at this point. I'd like to save them and blend them with my mother, when she goes - so if I scatter them, they are still together.
Very well done. I'm not sure about your line count; may want to double-check that.
best wishes in the contest.
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