Crescent blues, sweeping brush stroke clouds
darken farmland fields, where soft breeze whistle
casting light gray shades of tinted white sky shrouds
over brush island thickets, gusting winds bristle.
Here rest an old tractor of days past broken years
overgrown in lost hearts weed brambles seclusion
old iron rusted wheels, motionless fears
isolated in realities dire hopes allusion.
Life's promising dreams overcast and worn
hopes frightening emotions of spirits despair
mundane fools foreign time weathered scorn
diminished minds unconscious need of care.
Times perpetual lack of remembrance,
disembodied tractor graveyard bones
dust of human fates mortal incompetence
destiny's brier winded forgotten head stones.
Heartlands thistle island lost fate fears
dark overcast clouds wind zephyr scrolls
freedoms rust antiquated falling tears
America's lonely fields of lost cultivated souls.
Author notes
*PO' Contest*
Fields of fear
America's lost souls (war)
In a list
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW by Arkbear.
750 points, ended March 9, 2008, 8 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - TURN A SILVER INTO GOLD CONTEST by Swan song.
600 points, ended April 25, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Silver! by Cat10.
700 points, ended June 20, 2008, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - GOT GOLD? Calling all single silvers..... by Paloszoo.
700 points, ended November 13, 2008, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Great imagery in this well written piece! Enjoyed it! Thanks for entering my contest. I'm honored to have you share your work here. Good luck!
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Great write!
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thank you
I am pleased you enjoyed the read
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Sorry ...
but the rules say the lines should sound like standard English. Too much of this sounds like words thrown together. Remove it and enter a poem that meets the contest specifications. -
thank you for entering! this was a very well written piece! you did a good job and good luck in the contest!!
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This was well writetn and compoased good luck dear poet
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There's a desolate beauty here that you've created from the details of what you see as a declining America.
Fine poem about what could surely still be a fine country.
jjj
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Congrats on the silver!
Just to say congrats on the silver, beautiful poem
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This is a wonderful read, very image orientated and musical, and I have little doubt it will score well on my board.
However...I don‘t think it is quite as powerful and with the lasting impact that it could have had.
My main issue is that you leave your reader to guess at and decipher a large number of your thoughts, IMO. With so many descriptive words that could be either adjectives or verbs, or in some cases nouns, the meaning of many lines was very cloudy. Just to take one example:
“hopes frightening emotions of spirits despair”
It seems like there should be ownership somewhere here...either in “hope’s frightening emotions” or “spirit’s despair” and I’m really not sure which it is...and that affects the clarity of meaning, at least for me. I would highly suggest taking a little time to separate your adjectives with commas, and make sure you have apostrophes in the places that need them. Not only will that bring your intended meanings across, but a few commas would slow this down a bit so that all that thought and imagery can really sink in. I truthfully feel like you have something similar to a rubber band ball...a huge number of rubber bands all tied into a ball, and unless I can separate each one out, I can’t use them.
A couple of places I think you might want to look at in particular:
“Times perpetual” = “Time’s perpetual”
“Heartlands thistle island” = “Heartland’s Thistle Island” I’m horrid on history, geography, any of that kind of thing, so I’m not sure...is “thistle island” describing an island that has thistles, or is it the name of the island, in which case it should be capitalized? I’m thinking the latter, but without those caps...
And then just a couple of minor plurals:
“breeze whistle” one or the other word needs an “s” tacked on.
“Here rest(s)”
One last thing to consider is that most of the power in a poem will come from the nouns and verbs, so getting too many adjectives in there detracts from them, takes the focus off them. It’s a trade-off in a poem like this because you’ve gained the beautiful flow, tone, and imagery, but in the process lost a bit of that impact. I think it was worth it in this case, but still something to keep in mind for future writes, perhaps.
You already have a couple of glowing reviews from my fellow judges, so this might sound a little harsh in comparison. I think when you see my scores in the final notes of the contest you’ll see it’s not really all that bad though. You have far more strengths than weaknesses here, and presentation, a great title, flow, and the imagery will all do well in scoring.
Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck.
Best wishes,
~J.
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I really like your theme, title, and the tone of your poem. I think your language and imagery all work well together, although I also had to read it again, but I don't mind that! Very interesting and powerful write!
Nicely done!
My Scores:
Rules: 10
Theme: 10
Title: 10
Langauge: 10
Imagery: 10
Flow: 9.5
Depth: 9
Imagination: 10
Grammar/spelling: 10
Ponder Effect: 9.8
Total Scores: 98.3
Great! Remember, once a judge has touched your work, no editing please!
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Wow ~
...of course I had to read this a few times :)
Such depth in your Tone....loved your Focus on your Topic and stayed true in every stanza about your Theme ~
The Flow is flawless IMO......but watch out for *filler words* which have no Impact of Power in your write ~
The balance of *Show & Tell* are a weeee bit on the showy side....but over-all, you penned this spot-on and did a good job doing so :)
Your strength of metaphores is well noted, and you use them wisely....nice job ~
I think presentation is subdued and creates a sense of eriness in your font affect ~
Nice job and the best to you and your entry,
...Bear ~
Title 9.95
Flow 9.95
Depth 9.9
Theme 10
Feelings 10
Grammar 9.95
Presentation 9.8
Uncommonness 10
Sit & Ponder Affect 10
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 99.55
Very nice job :)
No editing once a Judge has touched your work :)
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Well penned.....
A strange sychronicity is happening in these contests..
time fear and hands...this week....
Best wishes in the contest!
Write on and on!
*PEACE*
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A stunning piece. Love the imagery created throughout. The rhyme is subtle, smoothly done. Best of luck in the contest
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Beautiful wording and images painted in this. Sad, but done very well.
Good luck in the contest.
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This is amazing, god I feel like I say that all the time, I need to find a few more descriptive words, you always give a voice to those who have none and this is no exception... wonderful hun, goodluck in the contest
Karen
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