When the night comes
I知 gonna hold you in my arms
Below the green canopy of palm-like leaves
And the sand shifting between our toes
When the night comes
I知 gonna hold you in my arms
Below the starry heavens
And the gentle breeze blowing through our hair
When the night comes
I知 gonna hold you in my arms
And sing all your favorite songs
With the crashing waves keeping time
When the night comes
I知 gonna look you in your eyes
And with all my heart
I知 gonna ask you to be mine
Only mine
Author notes
i put the setting of the poem at the beach.
option 3, (duh! lol)
A contest entry
- Tempt My Heart - PW by Melissa Burns.
600 points, ended March 22, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love... Envy... Fabulous by Pretty Britty.
750 points, ended April 4, 2008, 46 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - My love's birthday by Meroza.
425 points, ended March 27, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
is it good? no? yes?
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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Summer Loving...moonshine and beach...who could beat that...
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ummmm . . . needs work
mostly minor but critical. When you put a background with a poem it becomes a part of the poem and I was confused, at first, becuase I'm in a pine forest but being told about a beach and palm-like leaves, etc.. This is besides the fact that it's hard to read with the coloring. Instead of repeating the first two lines in all four of the four line stanzas, I think only twice would be enough. I think you could replace the two repetitive lines with more description of the scene or your love adding more substance to the poem. Last one. I would make the last line its own stand-alone stanza adding power to the end. I have a personal dislike for 'gonna ' in this context. Can be good at other times but in this case it takes a beautiful picture you are trying to paint and puts a lazy word amongst the beauty. I liked the concept and most of the poem. Only personal opinions and have the value of being free and unsolicited. Thank you for sharing this with us.
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Hmm.... I don't know. The images weren't vivid enough for me -- I want to see the beach, not see you saying you saw it. I liked the flowing beauty in this poem ~ It really sets a good mood. I don't think it had any emotion though.. It just... didn't...
Well, I'm not saying this is a bad poem - it certainly is a good poem... Just not great...
Great job anyways
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Nicely penned. A bit repetitive, but in this case, it works.
Thank you for sharing.
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Romantic and sweet. Nice write.
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I really like the poem, only thing is the repeated lines kind of killed it for me and the background was a little to dark for this poem it just doesn't fit other then that I think you did really well and I liked it
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hmmm....now that i think about it...yea...the backkground is too dark.
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I don't know that I liked the repetition of the lines,
"When the night comes
I’m gonna hold you in my arms"
I like the content of the rest of the poem but when you take out the repeated lines there isn't much there. I feel you could easily expand here and the product would be wonderful. As it is this seems like the chorus in a song but there are no verses.... Over all a sweet write. -
I like alot but it crashes at the end, I would add two more lines to it if it were mine. As the night comes I would mess up your hair in the sand or When you say you will be mine I shall toss you to the sea in your new set of pearls. Something elaborate for the ending. LOL
you have a grand talent for writing keep it up
Tamara
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This was so sweet.. I really enjoyed this piece.. I'm glad that I stopped by and read it..
Great write..
Peace to you, Jetleena.
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Judging:
- Title: Perfect
- Is it what I am looking for? Yes
- Emotions: Careing love
- Wowness: Good
- Final word: This poem is such a good read! Well done -
This is a wonderfull poem indeed. Amazingly done!
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Wow, this is beautiful! So simple, but incredibly romantic. Most people struggle to get the balance of the two right (just look how many poems like this are either ridiculously over the top or so simple that they're a bit boring) but you've got it perfect. Great write!
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Simple words, simple emotions and simple romantic. I enjoyed it and it moved something inside of me, very sweet writing!
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I love it, simple but beautifully written. Very romantic. Great job.
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Aww how sweet!
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Nice flow...sounded like a love song. hanks for sharing this sweet poem.
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Very good
love the flow and it is really sweet. best of luck in the contests
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This poem is so pretty! I love the flow. Best of luck in the contests.
♥
Megan -
prettyyyy lovely imagery and flow, best of luck!
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Thank you for entering your poem into my humble little contest, I enjoyed the read
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first of all just let me say thank you so much for commenting my poem!
secondly, this is really beautiful, i loved the imagery you created, it was gorgeous, and the repition of
When the night comes
was also very beautiful, made me think of it as though it were a dream, perfect and away from reality. very good write, thanks so much for sharing!
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Not just good, but exelent
Loved this poem! All of the words hold thier own meaning, and it almost shows you a picture of what it is you are describing. Very emotional, and that came across very well in your words.
Thank you for sharing, and keep it up!
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Nice slant rhyme! Slant rhyme makes me happy! Lyrical! Love it!
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It sounds like a great song...
this would be a lovely ballad don't you think!
Very flowing and dreamy...a beautiful setting for you
to enjoy the love of your life.
well done poet, well done!
ears2hearyou
Kathleen : ))
Seattle.
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I absolutely loved this! It's so sweet! I think you did a wonderful job.
"I'm gonna hold you in my arms
And sing all your favorite songs
With the crashing waves keeping time"
Those are my favorite lines. That's so romantic! Sounds rather dreamy! I like it a lot! You did a really good job. Keep up the awesome writing!
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Yes this is a great place to do that - liked the repetition and the rhythm, rhyme and flow of these lines. Works for me.
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i agree so sweet!!
thas my fav line too "And sing all your favorite songs
With the crashing waves keeping time"
really nice write!!
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you too vena!
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Aww! this is so sweet!
And sing all your favorite songs
With the crashing waves keeping time
Great line.. This is a beautiful poem -
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thanks for the comment
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I like the repetitive words here, they work well. I also like the whole write. Very nicely done. good write.
Kelli -
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wow, i wasn't even finished choosing the background for this poem, lol.
thank you for the comment!
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