Across a vast and hazy scene of such navigation,
Lays a beauty only a true eye can behold in time.
--“Come follow here.” Old Draco encourages inside the
World which lies ahead. Hydrogen bonds break apart in sequence.
Along the way, an eclipse of the stars shines wildly bright.
Upon the Earth’s mantle, a parallax takes place from space,
As all constantly shifts outward towards a black hole, all dazed.
--Passing by from the right lays out our astrological sign.
Horoscopes lie as we all lean into the wind, and fall.
Once again we’ve been deceived by such a strong willed vacuum.
Constellations begin to speak, telling us to come forth.
They cluster together, mindlessly numbing us. “For love.”
--They say, “it’s always for love.” What happened to free will? Dead.
All of it…gone to a grave. Never to be brought back home.
They've lied to me once more, and I've been plutoed once again.
So guard with me thy terra, and come to me with love again.
I give you such a prominence, in hopes you can withstand
--Such a loving heart on the night of syzygy. So bow
To this refraction, may it find my moon. Living in this
Apocalypse is what we need to bare. So help me God.
Look with me dear children, and be still now. Expose the ring
On Saturn’s left hand. All shall see its gladness on Titan.
--For all believes in this time of peace that Maria saves.
But where do we turn when we are departed in the end?
Towards but a sky of dust and a land’s distant universe.
Author notes
Definitions and meanings:
Draco - Constellation depicting a dragon
Plutoed - to demote or devalue someone or something
Terra - earth; land
syzygy - an alignment of three celestial objects, as the sun, the earth, and either the moon or a planet.
Maria - any of the several large, dark plains on the moon and Mars
Titan - One of Saturn's moons
POW Theme: Spiritual
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW by Arkbear.
750 points, ended March 9, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Exquisite Rounds. Auditions. by Cyanide Dreams.
700 points, ended January 21, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Yes
I liked this. Some of the dead-stops were kind of random, to me, and threw off the flow and once it picked back up it just hit a wall again, but I do like this piece.
It's very original, and it has a lot of originality, and emotion in it.
Good luck.
- anni -
Bandit Reading list
Wow! A celestial masterpiece, wisking us skyward but reminding us to protect the earth we often neglect. Interesting narrative that stirrs the imagination. Well done dear poet!
Write on!
Brother Dennis
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Yes.
A very original write. I liked the abstract feel to this and your vocabulary was fantastic. The imagery was good and I liked your views on things. It had some different opinions and was a great poem to draw the reader into.
Great job and good luck!
josh
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Very creative and interesting write
The first two stance drew me in and them the third stance kinda though me as if I was reading an other poem. I like the wide usage of words. Looking forward to reading more of yours work.
LISA
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You lost me with your talent re the heavens, I did read every line tho' and at least I tried, Maria? I believe in.
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BANDITS READING LIST ! ! !
Lots of good decorative metaphor and strongly expressed albeit isolated prepositions,constructively searching for some vestage of narration or purposeful aim, successfully found to some extent in the footnote provided
Keep writing and improving....Best Wishes Dear poet and Welcome to Poetic Bandits....George...
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Welcome to the POW contest also! This is a very interesting theme, and your terms, and use of language is unique. I have never heard the word parallax used in a poem before! I think this is an interesting poem, and you keep my attention, although I have to reread it to follow your meaning. You have lost me, and I'm not sure, I agree that your theme, is spiritual...I would pick space in some context. I agree with Arkbear, that you use words that don't help your poem one way or another...they only spin around meaninglessly. Still, I think you have great potential!
My Scores:
Rules: 9
Theme: 7
Language Use: 8
Imagery: 8.5
Flow: 9.4
Depth: 9.4
Ponder Effect: 10
Imagination: 10
Title: 9.9
Overall Impact: 9
Total Scores: 90.2
Thanks for your entry! I think if you concentrate on the things mentioned, you will do very well another time! Nice poem, and I enjoyed it! Remember, once a judge has touched your work, no editing please!
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Hi there Poet ~
Welcome to the POW contest :) ...good to see such talent from young Poets again ~
...nice visionary you are ~
I'll just start by saying, I have to agree with everything Julie just said.......maybe not all things, but most, for the big part of it ~
I think you are an incredible Writer.....I think you have a passion which shows in only so many, with such a drive and you need to get it on paper......and once started, you can't quit.....
.....but hold on there......and this is what I want to say.......Focus on a Theme is so very important.......because without Focus, you lose all other balance in a write.....IMO ~
You forgot to stand by the Theme Rules :(
You gave me a lot of information, but poetically, it just did not work ~
Your Flow and Imagery are superb, however, with all the extra Filler Words, which have no power at all, your write becomes an epic genre and the Tone is compromised as not being poetically sound ~
But, these are only my opinions :)
Other than that, a nice write, without the Theme of *Fear*, required per say rules..
I don't DQ anymore, so your score will reflect the Theme deductions :(
Please do not pull your piece, as I think this is a great write which requires attention to the beauty alone, let alone the message and depth in which it was penned ~
Nice job,
Bear ~
Title 9.95
Flow 9.8
Depth 9.9
Theme 0.
Feelings 10
Grammar 9.95
Presentation 9.8
Uncommonness 10
Sit & Ponder Affect 10
Ability to follow Rules 9.
Bears Score: 88.4
The Theme really cost you, but this is an excellent write other than that :)
No editing once a Judge has touched your work :)
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Well firstly, hi and welcome to the POW!
This looks and reads like something you've put a great deal of thought and imagination into. I also really appreciate the definitions you've included in your AN, which helped me navigate through your thoughts a bit better. However, there are still several areas here that concern me...
A few technical things:
In L7: "outward towards" I found that a bit awkward in sound, flow, and meaning. I would suggest simplifying it to either "out towards" or just "towards". Also, you’ve used “all” twice in that line, and even though it’s a fairly common word, it’s not quite common enough to not stick out.
L20: "Apocalypse is what we need to bare" Did you want "bare" as in "to uncover" or "bear" as in "to take on or carry" ?
L21: "Look with me dear children, and be still now" The correct punctuation is key in making your meaning clear in this particular sentence. I think if I understand your intent, you just need a comma after "me".
I'm not a huge fan of enjambed lines, but for the most part I think you did pretty good with them. One line break you might want to reconsider is after L3. It felt awkward, and keep in mind the last word in a line gets more emphasis and will stick in a reader's mind a bit longer, so by ending with the word "the" you miss an opportunity to put more emphasis on a word like "world", which starts out the next line.
Your language is very prose-ish, and I would love to see this trimmed down by quite a bit. While I found the language interesting, some of your word choices made the flow sluggish, IMO. It’s great to use interesting and uncommon words on occasion, but at the same time be careful not to lose your readers. Often, a simpler word (“land” instead of “terra”, for example) might have been better, but that's just MO.
To be honest, I found a lot of this difficult to follow. I had hoped by the end of the poem something would really jump out at me and make a power statement of some kind...just something to make me say, “Oh! That’s what it all means!” Sadly, that moment never came for me.
On a happier note, you have some very nice imagery, and a couple of your lines intrigued me and were very creative... "Horoscopes lie as we all lean into the wind, and fall." and "Expose the ring/On Saturn’s left hand" were a couple of my favorites.
Finally...I don't see a direct correlation to the theme of fear that this POW is concentrating on. I see a fellow poet reminded you to put your theme and PO contest in the AN, and we love to see that kind of support between poets. Just make sure you read through ALL the rules, as a deduction for any of them can make the difference between getting a trophy...or not.
Your other judges may have a totally different opinion of this, so I'll be interested in seeing how it fares with them. In the meantime, NO EDITING once a judge has touched your work! Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck. My scores will be revealed in the final notes of the contest.
Best wishes,
~J.
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Well penned!
Best wishes in the contest!
Write on!
*PEACE*
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A great piece. Plenty of depth and imagery within your words. You may want to place POW and theme in you AN before the judges come An excellent piece, good luck
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