it really started all the same--
in every case.
any given day.
it was all fun & games.
until eventually,
it spread through me
like a plague.
an ob.session that
i could
n e v e r
please..
[.i was s|i|c|k.]
it developed into
.stages.
& then later a
.disease.
i alienated my pain--
made sure i was different
from the rest.
covering up the u g l y--
making it [present]able
at best.
but there was no hiding.
i wasnt fooling anyone.
[.i was s|i|c|k.]
it was spreading through me
like a plague.
& i was losing track of days.
* * *
the days turned to w/e/e/k/s
& w/e/e/k/s turned to m//o//n//t//h//s..
i was getting f e d up.
i was sick of fucking d r u g s.
i just want some sleep.
a litte |serenity| and |peace|.
my bones were aching &
my teeth were hurting
felt like they were filled with napalm.
my body was a [!war-zone!]--
being ravaged by shrapnel.
i didnt know what to do.
i was lost in this sea of
a d d i c t i o n
it seemed like everything i said
were lies or
c o n t r a d i c t i o n s.
i felt ugly inside.
its like, what did i have left?
it seemed nothing more than
jails, institutions, or death..
this one hundred pound
bobble head barbie doll
playing with glass pipes
& drug rings
help her out, god.
this addictions taking over.
she's gonna get her wings.
like i said--
[.i was s|i|c|k.]
but i survived.
god gave me jails & institutions
[but let me keep my life]
but it really started all the same.
in every case.
any given day.
it was all fun & games.
until it spread through me
like a plague.
an ob.session
i could
n e v e r
please.
i was sick--
Author notes
this is my first write in a long time.
theartof--ruin kinda made me want to post something.
so here's looking at you, kid.
this might explain my long term absence.
hope you like it.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Trippy as hell! Coming from a current addict, you depict the darker stages of drug use quite well. Of course, there are the other attributes, but poems about drugs tend to be a little one sided. Anyhow, love it girl, love it. I entered into your contest, then decided to check out your page, then decided to check out some of your poetry. Definately well worth my time!
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ob.session.
obsession, obvious session? just plain old drug session? who knows.
this is really good, i don't like how you called out to god for help though.. just my opinion, because i think that we can all get over anything ourself with any ounce of will power. nice job though. i'm looking forward to reading more of your stuff.
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its really not true though. i had to turn it over to my higher power, which i choose to call god. im not religious, i dont believe in organized religion, but i do believe in something greater than myself. and in rehab, i learned to turn over my problems that i know i cant handle myself. believe me, i used to think i could do it on my own but eventually i had to understand that my addiction was greater than myself. because willpower, which is called self-will in rehab, does no good for me. i am a drug addict. if i choose to follow my self-will, i would still be out doing drugs. i had to realize that my problem was out of my own hands and had to put my problem into something greater than myself because its an unmanageable for addicts.. unmanageable meaning we cant control it ourselves. i never used to believe in a higher power until i went to rehab.. through faith in something, ive been clean now for six months. im grateful every day that i have something to believe in when i cant believe in anything else. you dont have to like it, but there is a lot it has done for me and hopefully you can be more open to addicts who have found strength in something greater than them. its a big part of the narcotics anonymous program, and without it, we will all eventually fail. so maybe you can take another look at it and see how finding help in my god prevented me from killing myself with drugs. because i was so close to dying.
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that makes sense, but i still think that you, yourself, have to take some credit for getting through it, because you did. even if you think there's a higher power, you still got through it. not the higher power. you. what were you addicted to? just curious..
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im glad you understand that. yes, i do give myself some credit because i was the one who chose to cut out all my using friends, i am the one who dont go to old playgrounds, and i am the one who prevents herself from searching for it. my higher power helps me get through anything, but didnt go through it. you're absolutely right. many people dont understand that. and they're like UGH DUH THERE IS NO GOD OR HIGHER POWER LOLZ. WE ARE ALONEZ. and i can handle it if they believe that, but i cant handle it when they flaunt it and tell me i am wrong. but you seem like you have a pretty good respect for it.. and what was i addicted to? for the past five blurry years, ive been so fucked up on meth/crank/smack/shrooms/acid its not even funny. i liked uppers, pain pills, and hallucinogens. i hated pot and alcohol. the pain pills are a downer, but i liked them when i came down. but my main drug was meth/crank. i put everything i had into it. EVERYTHING. and this poem is the first to try and explain.. but i dont feel it does the misery, the suffering, the ups the downs, the losing, the jail, the absolute hell i put myself through any sort of justice. i will continue to write until i get it right. but as for now, im back writing. and im happy. and im clean and sober and lalala. so im glad to hear from you. i have no friends! i cut everyone out. so, thanks.
hope to see more of you!
__shelly.
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