You

You
Never fall completely out
Of my mind.
Always leaving a drop or two
Of poison- to cling to the edge
And coat every fiber that dares
To attempt confidence
Or hold onto faith.

You
Are everything inside me.
The emptiness that fills every curve,
The lack of love, and loss of hope.
You are in every emotion
I can no longer feel.
And every heartbeat that the
Rest of me wishes would just
Give up already.

You
Are where my conscious used to be,
Whispering lies because you know
I don’t have the strength to disobey.
You’re in my closet, picking out my
Clothes.
You’re on the scale, screaming disappointment.
You’re in my hands
            in my arms
as I stand in front of the mirror
and try to cover the places
I couldn’t protect.

You
Are illustrated in the songs
I try to sing in the shower.
You’re the monsters that come through
The door at night.
There are molecules of you
In the secrets that sometimes
Slip from my eyes
And hide behind my hands.

You
Have your own place
In the pages of my journals
And the skin on my wrists and thighs.
You hang forever as a noose
Or a grip, or an anvil
Around my neck.
[I always had a problem swallowing
and I never will again]

You
are the black in my eyes.
You’re in my laughter and glaze over
Every attempt to smile.
You are the bracelets around my wrist.
Whether beaded or bloodied or woven
In fingers.
You are cigarette-burned into my mind.
You melted my life and peeled it apart,
Leaving my skeleton harsh and exposed
Against your hands and eyes.