Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Coccinella

 

 

 

 

 




Defiance descends as dusky light divides
gauzy day and naked night; rapture upon a memory;
leaving a past never understood, facing questions
yet unheard, time clothes her thoughts in shadow.

In dreams, camera fades afar in field of vision
feelings find her eyes as dissolved vague effect,
fixtured in sun porch background; sharpens curious eye
upon instinct to flight and precision on the skin of a tree.

She falls, walking uneasy steps to sounds of yesterday,
mocking images, suffocation screams
within her in silence, yet, blithely snips life's branches
and colors her soul with breaths of seasons.

Youthful beauty bears marks of callous reckonings,
tears in solemn laments languidly caressing
cheeks blushed an empathic rose
blur the canvas of living self-portrait.

Her psyche pale and torn, a yellowed photograph
in life's album of remastered perfection, yet
every flaw is magnified a hundred times, harshest scrutiny;
these immortal obscurities will become her legacy.

Clockwork conversations and underwire similes,
gaiety applied with crimson gloss, a once relevant soul
wades into vapid seas, pausing on brink of trenchant urge
to purge dismal light of loss.

Through what decency she has found there;
the softly sighing song of tiny wing beats
plays elegy to those hazy days of doubt,
and her future flows to promised possibilities.

Pretended alterations of previous dilemmas
cascade with abrupt elegance; coated in deception.
Smiles are stifled within faultless limitations
amid veiled vows to never fall in love again.

Awash in light of citrine sunrise salvation,
shedding protection of vanity veneer,
she follows the admonition of the ladybird,
allowing release from fragile shell to fly away home.



 

Author notes

Entry for Tribe Poeta, in Poets Survivor Three

Collaboration as follows:
Stanza 1 - Echidna
Stanza 2 - Peteskid
Stanza 3 - what decency*
Stanza 4 - x Empathic Rose x*
Stanza 5 - Immortal Obscurities*
Stanza 6 - Mallig*
Stanza 7 - Q45moh
Stanza 8 - Never Fall in Love*
Stanza 9 - CitrineSunrise*

* = Names included within poem
Picture Credit: Please Change The Subject
Coccinella: Definition

In a list

Now you tell me:

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 24 of 24
  • DarkRomantic113
    April 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Haha, way to use your name in the poem.


  • Cupcrazy gold member
    March 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hey guys, I have been ill so am late getting to your piece. First let me say your background and graphics are beautiful as is the title of the piece. As far as the cohesiveness of the piece and the one voice, I think you have managed that admirably as well as incorporating your names into the write seamlessly. There are some wonderful phrasing's throughout the piece, but the piece as a whole did not grab me, in fact I felt it was sensory overload. There was just so much imagery, that I never really got the true image of the person but rather only her perceptions and emotion, I had hoped for a balance between show and tell, but could not find it. Whether this was because the descriptive verbiage drew me away from the character itself and into the realm of her emotion, I'm not sure. The twist at the end was well done, but again, the write would have been perfect had you established a more firm character to grasp onto before delving into the emotion of her life. Nonetheless, your requirement was to write as a unit and I think you accomplished that very well. Hugs, Bunny


  • ten thousand cicadas gold member
    March 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Nice title, by the way.

    One final thing. I thought your back ground was beautiful. Kudos to whoever put that together!

    I think a larger type will aid your readers' understanding and willingness to stick with the poem in future rounds--something a little easier on the eye.

  • ten thousand cicadas gold member
    March 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Okay, guys, I think you have done well in achieving one voice. For the most part the style and flow were similar, with only some minor notes of contrast. Well done!

    I found the opening stanza to be quite captivating. It was beautifully descriptive and made me wonder more about this girl. The end was equally strong and compelling. Once I had read the piece many times, the "twist" at the end had the emotional impact that I believe you intended. What I wasn't sure of was if she died (likely suicide per possible contemplation in stanza 6), or just was able to finally rise above her circumstances and find a new day for herself(sunrise salvation). I like that it could be read either way.

    Which brings me to my one main suggestion for your piece. I found much of the middle sections to be kind of redundant. Many of you expressed this girl's feelings and emotions and circumstances quite well, but the stanzas didn't necessarily always add anything new to what your fellow poets had said. I think if you had maybe had a more detailed "vision" for the piece you could have prevented this, and perhaps assigned specific elements to each poet, so as not to overlap.

    I found the verbiage to be very cumbersome in the piece in many of the stanzas. There was nothing wrong with it, it was just too much all at once. I looked back over the piece and there was not a single bit of unfamiliar vocabulary, but when put together in this manner, it was overwhelming. You were limited to four lines each, so line breaks couldn't really be added, but more punctuation would have gone long way to make pauses for the reader and give her time to take in what you were saying. And sometimes less is more. If each poet would have put less into each stanza, I believe the overall impact of the poem would have been stronger, without having to give so many re-reads.

    There were a few awkward phrases that didn't really make sense to the reader who wasn't privy to your team's discussion of what this poem was to be about. Some of them may have been obscure due to proofreading choices, particularly with verb tense and punctuation.

    I would have liked to see more varied description of the girl as I stated before, so as to more fully meet the contest requirements. I do know that she must have had some love troubles, but didn't find that out till the end. Other than that all I really knew was that she was lived in the shadows of herself and under the scrutiny of others, or a least, so she thought.

    Okay, all that was pretty tough, but here's what i loved about your poem:

    I loved the way you made the photograph an actual metaphor for the girl. It captured who she was, preserving flaws, and mirrored the way she felt about herself. Very well done. I also liked the metaphor of the ladybug, and would like to have seen that used more throughout. It was in there a few times, and was done quite nicely, but could have been expanded.

    I thought the use of author names was fairly smooth, and quite to your advantage on all counts, except one.
    That was a difficult requirement, handled well.

    My favorite lines: "Youthful beauty bears marks of callous reckonings," AND "Awash in light of citrine sunrise salvation, shedding protection of vanity veneer."

    My least favorite lines: Hmm, I leave you to guess that.

    Over all, there is a lot of talent displayed here and it was a good first collaboration.

    • Never Fall in Love
      March 9, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much for that comment...
      We'll remember to keep much of this in mind for [possibly] other writes to come. I see where you're coming from with the redundant emotions being portrayed and so we'll make our plan better next time. I think I better give a larger font too, lol. But, thank you for the details!

      ~Tribe Poeta


  • Ryno
    March 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Once again, at first look, its easy to tell that all nine of you managed to work together to pen a piece that mocks the work of one poet, not nine. So kudos for that first off.

    I have to admit it took me about 3 reads until I could go through the whole write without my mind wondering completely. I'm not sure why. I think it is just the fact that its not the most luring piece.

    And, also, because of that, it made the character hard to relate to in spots and in some reads. But, I must admit, within the third read, I finally connected to the character very well, and I began to really feel the emotions of the character.

    I think the phrasing in this piece was very basic, but in a soothing, abstract kind of way, witch made it all the better of the read. I thought the metaphor you had in this worked well with the wording... but some of the sections seemed a little hefty.

    However, since the imagery was everywheres, it was hard to pick out that snapshot I asked for directly in the piece, since there was so many specific snapshots.

    Another thing I feel that let the poem down was the line breaking. I know that you are resctricted to four lines per person, but the way that the stanza and lines were laid out made the piece hard to identify any emphasis on anything and the piece was sharp and rigid at spots, I found.

    I don't like picking out anyone in particular, but I really have to give kudos to the ending witch was fantastic.

    Overall, its a pretty good write and while there are some things that need to be worked on, other things are really well penned.

    Thanks for the entry.

    Ryan


    • Never Fall in Love
      March 8, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for the comment

      We are here to get better, so the critique is much appreciated


  • Laura Lamarca gold member
    March 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The starting stanza here is very strong and sets the mood for this entire piece. It pertains well to the given prompts and enables the next poet to continue smoothly.
    L6 is an echo of L4 and rather than reversing, I feel this stanza would've been stronger if you'd gone forwards instead.
    Stanza 3 contains solid imageries and good emotion aswell as good verbiage choices, stanza 4 continues on in the same tone and adds impact.
    At this point, it's almost like a rollercoaster slowly climbing. Stanza 5 would read better if the punctuation received a tweak or 2...for example:

    "remastered perfection, yet
    every flaw is magnified a hundred times, harshest scrutiny;"

    Stanza 6 picks up the pace and once again, you've delivered a very strong stanza.
    Stanza 7 contains excellent poetic device, this line in particular is very good indeed:

    "the softly sighing song of tiny wing beats"

    Stanza 8, again, alot of emotion present here that carries this piece through to stanza 9 and a very strong ending.

    There were one or two times in this piece where I felt too much was being said at one time and my mind was filled to brimming where I had to stop and breathe before I could continue - the downside of the 4 lines per poet stipulance of this challenge.
    But as 9 separate poets, I think you did a very good job. You all kept to the picture and given prompts, the addition of names didn't cause any stumbling blocks, nor did any stick out like sore thumbs. This piece is cohesive and flowed very well indeed. And that final line ended this piece with both beauty and impact. Overall, a very good collab.

    Good luck all!


    La x

    • Never Fall in Love
      March 8, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Ive fixed the punctution in stanza 5...
      Thank you for the detailed comment, I'm sure all of our group appreciates that
      ~ Tribe Poeta


  • wakingdevil
    March 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    It reads as one massive poet, with each stanza complimenting the other.Wonderful work here, and I wouldn't be surprised if you'll win.Good luck


  • Peteskid gold member
    March 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    oh, well special thanks to the editors from all of the writers, they seem to save the moment; well done everyone, win or lose, a winning effort here...'skid


  • CitrineSunrise silver member
    March 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I am so pleased that we all worked in harmony and without conflict. I am very proud of this tribe and wanted to thank each of you for your participation and attitude. Tribe poeta is a great community. Liz


  • Suicide Hotline
    March 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Just amazing! a lot of skilled writers in this poem, great


  • February Moon gold member
    March 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    You guys rocked this.

  • Immortal Obscurity gold member
    March 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, guys... This turned out a lot better than I thought it would! I couldn't have asked for a better group to work with! Win or lose, we did great!

    PS: Chandni... GREAT job on the BG I ♥ it!

    Peace all!

    -L. xxx


  • Tangled Angle
    March 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You sure put up a hell of a fight. Excellent, win or lose. Good luck.


  • just mercedes gold member
    March 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A wonderful poem from a great joint effort, my thanks to all team members for collaboration across the seas of time and space. I'm proud to be a part of this.


  • x-Black-Butterfly-x gold member
    March 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    oh wow you all did such an amaaizng job and you have some beautiful poets here. and I loves them all hehe. a truly amazing poem I really dont know what to say


  • xxRainbowDawnxx
    March 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderfully written, great choice of title name as well. Everyone well done for their parts, it's great to work with you guys and I hope I get to do it more often, you are most talented poets. Beautiful.


  • layla.
    March 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    beautiful...

1 - 24 of 24