She was a girl with her mind and soul like spark
He was a sore boy, sunken down, hateful, dark
A colorful shape and a beautiful arc
Vulgar wording, a hopeless unworthy bark
"How come he didn't listen to my advice?"
"Who told me those sensations would melt my ice?"
"I don't know if this is going to be nice"
"And I hope it won't be tasteless like plain rice"
Bittersweet, unspoken meaning and feeling
Devotion unwanted, an early kneeling
New expectations, smiling, a hoped healing
Worthless answers beyond an empty ceiling
Gentle lies, hideouts, about love she forgot
He didn't have roses to show what he got
She expected, asked for releasing the knot
But inside his barbed core he began to rot
For she didn't want to feel her depression
He sunk himself in a state of obsession
Another heartbreak in her life's succession?
Or his despise towards world in progression?
She whines, she swears, she was left and forgotten
His attempts leftover, love misbegotten
For her love blurs out just like clouds of cotton
And his vain feelings faded out just rotten
"Wonder how they hate each other, easy to be fare"
Author notes
Option one, I guess... sad poem about a relationship which went wrong.
A contest entry
- Muses for the masses (options galore) by Goldfist.
500 points, ended March 28, 2008, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Say What You Need To Say by Blooming Poet.
300 points, ended April 14, 2008, 46 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Non Winning Pre-Write/End line Rhyme Only by piccola.
600 points, ended April 12, 2008, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love Turned Bitter by MrsJones.
450 points, ended May 9, 2008, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Great write with lots of strong emotions. The methaphors were really creative and I loved how it flowed. Thanks for entering!
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I really like the rhyme scheme/pattern you have chosen.
it tells the story nicely. The last word fare should be fair, unless you mean cab fare. thank you for the entry. -
Title: 4/5- A little cliche
Venting: 40/50- Your venting is disrupted by your form... if you find yourself using phrases such as "like plain rice" just to keep with the rhyme scheme, you should probably change your form.
My Personal Like/Dislike: 8/15- I'm not a fan of rhyme, especially not rhyme that feels as forced as this.
Followed Rules: 20/20- Perfect
Grammer/Spelling: 5/10- words are a little too common, many phrases that just don't fit.
Total: 77/100
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Title: 4/5- A little cliche
Venting: 50/50- wonderful
My Personal Like/Dislike: 5/15- Confusing form
Followed Rules: 20/20- Perfect
Grammer/Spelling: 7/10- words are a little too common
Total: 86/100 -
ALLOWED IN, BE BACK TO REVIEW AT A LATER TIME
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last line should be "fair" i think
i like the shape and it reads well.
good luck. -
nice.
very good. The organization tecnique allows on to follow the progression of the one's thoughts to the other quite easily. there is a realism here as it acurately displays the decay of many relationships. Good luck in my contest. -
B E A Utiful
I like this alot. no time it took to jot
down the words went on your paper, should have saved a little love for later.
I hope you find this rather helpful, in your quest for the perfect write, just try to take it slow and you'll be alright. I really think this poem is tight, and it shines the perfect light. On how we all see each other, and how had it is to be together. So I hope you read this letter, and cherish my words forever, Seeing as this is a once in a lifetime deal, and I usually don't leave such long words of advice, and be commented back on would be nice, Take my advice, chisle your heart of ice and spice up your rice. then your days would be twice as nice.
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Great
Powerful poem! I don't understand the layout but it adds to the power somehow. Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.
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WOW on the poem!wonderful work I enjoyed te read ^^
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