Walk down the orbit of abandonment
Into the wrath of the smoltering moon
Touched by translucent eyes of this monster,
I sing to you
From the rafters of indecency, to the bay of the darkened knight
Delivered from Satin's hands, into the solmn angels spite
My peevishness awards thee, with the heir to the throne
Falling to deliverance, once again here I am sown
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I don't understand this poem at all. Who are you singing to? Who is the monster who belongs to the translucent eyes? Indecency has rafters?
I can get past the spelling errors, for instance "knight" i believe should be "night" and "thrown" should be "throne" - though I'm not sure what this heir is inheriting or how your peevishness accomplishes the goal of awarding it to him.
Your poem is full of all sorts of striking words but none of them make any sense the way you have them arranged and they seem to reference nothing at all. How does one "fall to deliverance"?
You have a talent for invoking beautiful and dark imagery through the use of powerful words, but you have much to learn in the way of language. Never be afraid to be explicit; ambiguity can be a useful tool in poetry but it may also be a substitute for thinking. I would love to read a coherent poem written in the brilliant language you that you currently wield like a pretty sword in the hand of a child - flashy but uncoordinated and bordering dangerous =) -
WoW talk about bitter, sweet.
Parts of this is so dark,
other part shine.
This is some deep writing,
but I really like it.
Good luck in the contest.
Loveandblessings2u & yours always
Joyce
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