Sheltered in the shadows
smothered by sneaking silhouettes
Night closing its eternal hands around me
my reluctant eyes still gazing
at that letter;
'I've found someone else'
wishing my tears could change the words.
Who could have known a piece of paper
had the weight to crush my world?
Crying on the phone
Bitter tears of humilation scold my cheeks
your whispered snakes of confession slither out
My unpredictable lips telling you all those things
I didnt want you to know
'I love you' slips out in desperation;
the phone goes dead.
Without you
I'm a mere shadow of a ghost
A wreck of a wreck of a soul
It was then I knew:
I'd hate you until sunrise
But I'd love you till the day I
die.
A contest entry
- loss of love by LanguishedLad.
650 points, ended March 9, 2008, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Wow
You dont realize how much you have till some gets taken away.
Brilliant Work
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being a writer who is too often told politely, 'that's good,' i'm going to attempt to give you constructive criticism, while risking seeming harsh. i have found that i prefer people to be harsh with me than saccharine, and i hope you don't mind that i will approach my critique of your piece from that perspective. please tell me whether i've been helpful or not, and if my remarks bother you, tell me, and i will be careful to be less direct in the future.
well, i'll just launch into it: i think the alliteration in the first stanza was overdone, and "night closing its eternal arms around me" comes across, to me, as a blend of the cliche and the mellodramatic. the image of "whispered snakes of confession" seems forced.
however, the phrase, "my unpredictable lips" is extremely effective, and the following is heartfelt and heart-wrenching: "'i love you' slips out in desperation/the line goes dead" Those lines were perfect, and extremely vivid.
the line "mere shadow of a ghost" is also rather on the cliche and mellodramatic side.
however, the last five lines are brilliant without question. "a wreck of a wreck of a soul," and the last three lines- unparallelled in anything i have read.
conclusion: you are extraordinarily talented, and that shines through in your best lines; however, your judgment in editing your work can be improved. but needless to say, poetry is a subjective thing, and some would no doubt say that this poem was flawless. so unless my words ring true *for you* do not put much stock in what i say. i hope what i said didn't hit you wrong, and of course, do not be discouraged. you have the capacity to be a fine writer indeed.
this may sound condescending because i'm your own age and because my own work is by no means flawless either- and it is far easier to criticize than to write. however, i'm trying to be as objective as you possibly can be in regard to a poem, and in this i am attempting to assume the attitude of some dusty and ageless critic, as opposed to an eighteen year old. i *am* trying to be helpful, and i hope i was.
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thanks
very well composed and Thankyou for entering this contest and best of luck in the comp
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That is just amazing. I can somewhat relate to this one. Your imagery is very beautiful. I love the lines:
Without you
I'm a mere shadow of a ghost
A wreck of a wreck of a soul
Thanks so much for the wonderful read and keep it up!!
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Wow... the alliteration in the first stanza was amazing, I was captivated until the very end... you have beautiful imagery and it is wonderfully written... the concluding stanza was very well expressed and leaves the reader in heartache...
Keep writing
Polly
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A very powerfully, romantically sad write... Very descriptive language! The whole thing is amazing! Great work, I love it! Nice closing lines.
And if it's personal, I hope you feel better soon...
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