Valentines day is what I dread
It puts disarry in the head
That alluring girl
with that ravishing trance
Whom I wanna take for a whirl
But do I really stand a chance?
Do our grounds cross when we tread?
Is my brain wedged full of lead?
Because my friends insist im better off dead...
But what do I have to judge im just a mere adolescence
Anxiety, Stress, Envy, Fear, and Lust
all the things gathered in a teen essence
It's all smothered in a musted gust
So this day will cease and pass
and the sorrows will be soon forgotten
It's just teen ambiguity immured
All these thoughts have gathered up
And time will reveal the cure
It's old, I just never got a chance to put it up here. Comment away be as harsh as you want, but I need to get some pointers on how I can make this poem look better.
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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aww this is amazing. i saw you posted something on my topic, so I decided to check out your stuff. You are amazing writer. Just got out of high school, so I know how this feels. It's well written, and really captures the emotion you are trying to get across. I love every bit of it, well done.
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aww, don't delete it or change it.
it's a really nice piece.
just learn from it, and do it in the next one :] -
So this day will cease and pass
and the sorrows will be soon forgotten
It's just teen ambiguity immured
All these thoughts have gathered up
And time will reveal the cure
in the rest of your poem you have end rhyme
like "adolescence, essence"
but in the last stanza there isn't any^ -
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Awwww spit, this is what rushing through work gets me. Now I see what you're saying. Thanks for catching that. I was thinkiing about deleting this whole thing altogether but I never wanna cover up my mistakes.
Thanks for the help....
Many brownie points to you, my dear. ^___^
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I agree with the comment below, the rhyme scheme is inconsistent; you have down what you want to say so why not go back through and look up synonyms for the words that don't rhyme?
On the other hand I really liked the middle stanza :]
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Thanks!
What would you clarify an "inconsistant ryhme scheme" Would be? I want to avoid it in the future!
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Okay... an inconsistant rhyme scheme makes this a little weird, but that's more of a personal thing really. I think this could have been a lot longer, but then again it's all about how much you wanted to say. You took a very cliche concept and made it into something worth reading. Not many people can do that. So kudos on that. Anyway... The flow was mostly consistant but that's all about how you read it. I find that saying a poem out loud is the best way to see if it flows. If it doesn't quite fit try adding little words or removing little words. An article as simple as the can make something sound so much better or soooo much worse. Well... That's about all I have to say. I'm sure if I really thought about it I could give a million ideas, but I think these shall do. Hope I helped some. This was really good. Just keep working on it is all I know to say.
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First, go back and fix all the grammar, spelling, and formatting mistakes...neat poetry looks more professional and hence, will warrant you more reads and comments. Personally, I kind of like the poem...my favorite part was the first stanza,
"Valentines day is what I dread
It puts disarry in the head
That alluring girl
with that ravishing trance
Whom I wanna take for a whirl
But do I really stand a chance?
Do our grounds cross when we tread?
Is my brain wedged full of lead?
Because my friends insist im better off dead... "
The part about the girl made me smile...I sometimes forget guys can have the same feelings as girls...thank you for reminding me. It really put a new spin on Valentines day...you should continue with more of your wishes with girls and why, ultimatly, they don't work...the rest of poem, though nicely rhymed, was reminiscant of any mediocre teen valentine agnst rant...we know what "teens are"...perhaps you should go beyond valentines day and examine the real meaning you feel so lost on it...is it plain loneiless, or your hate of commericalism...or you just a "valentines scrooge"? Even better, are you a romantic who never seems to get any on the one day devoted to LOVE...what an irony.
Go further with the poem...
Great job!
~Hippie
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