a heart in the sand
swallowed by the tide
is the story of us
a once upon a time
thoughts carved in stone
in a place of innocence
casually on the surface
as if time had no relevance
the horizon that separates
sky and earth two opposite pages
a sudden drop heavy like a bomb
a blink that turned a thousand ages
what have i become today
my past hangs loose and uncertain
hesitation in the slender threads
you just might pull me up once again
i can hear a distinct echo
vacationing in a departure hall
getting confused in transition
destination still unknown
leave your footprints here
quiet in the crashing waves
a trace of what might have been
a part of me you stole away
a heart in the sand
you drew it with such might
it is the story of us
in a once upon a very long time
Author notes
Prompt 2 - A name is written on a broken rock, a broken heart that the world forgot...Concrete Angel Martina McBride
A contest entry
- Lyrics contest by BehindTheShadow.
450 points, ended March 6, 2008, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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wooww... its amazing, i love it!
u put the emotions in it across nicely
well done!
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Great write. congratulations on gold
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yes..so true and so much depth in the truth stated in the poetric journey of the life..you have revealed the fate of the lovers..and one can relate with it..a tearful work indeed...
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Congratulations on such a well written piece. It has spectacular imagery as well. By far my favorite stanza is... leave your footprints here
quiet in the crashing waves
a trace of what might have been
a part of me you stole away
Beautiful work cograts on the gold. ~mandie~ -
Enjoyable
Im glad first poem of read today ive enjoyed fully congrats it was well written i emplor you keep writting si "enjoyable" that you must continue with different poems
Signed
The Masked One
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Thanks for your comment. Been busy of late, hence I havent been in here for quite some time. and i'm missing a muse too. but thanks again for dropping me a note.
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I think this poem has a lot of potential, it seems others do, too because you won a gold trophy. I found a couple of things I thought could be done better, in the first stanza, I think you can omit 'a' in the last line. The last line in the second stanza to me, does not flow well with the rest of the poem, it's hard isn't it? That's why any writer or poet has to get into their dictionary. Second line third stanza, maybe 'to' instead of 'two' or am i not understanding this? I think the rest is okay, the best part is the heart drawn in the sand, that in my opinion is strongest idea in the poem. I did find that you wandered from this idea once when you talked of departures, I would have preferred you stay with one subject. I hope this is of some help, don't think I'm being nasty, there is more right that wrong about this piece.
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Hey celadia. I've been here for a few years now and though i havent been active, this is the first time i've received, and i've been waiting since day one, such constructive criticisms. I appreciate it very, very much. for the first time you made me look harder in my own work.
the 'a' in first stanza last line, it's just how i wanted it to flow. last line in second stanza, yea my english isn't that great to be honest and i often find myself having trouble finding the right words to represent what i feel.
i really meant 'two'. i just omitted a coma before it, otherwise you would have gotten it right away.
yes i did wandered. i think i do that quite often. but i think this was because i had to satisfy a requirement in the contest.
thanks so much for taking the time to leave me that comment. i can only wish i have more.
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it's lovely, great take on prompt,well done
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I think this is a beautiful poem, with great imagery, and a wonderful take on the prompt. Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
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wow, thank you for the trophy. wasn't expecting it as i wasn't sure if you would appreciate how i linked the prompt. very glad you enjoyed it.
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