Oh you,
pale-gray warden of the skies.
a solitary satellite
in this too-silent galaxy.
Reach out
across the cold and empty night.
Drive back
this coarse black blanket of distance.
Caress her
with your milky moon-bright light
and all that shine is yours.
A twinkle winking invitation.
Ever unreachable,
despite how high she flies.
A burning ball of...
desperation.
Each evening
rising up she tries...and fails to meet you.
Fades back at dawn and sighs...and vows to try again.
Your star is waiting.
Author notes
Written for a contest.
Please let me know what you think, I welcome constructive criticism!
In a list
A contest entry
- Here's something interesting. by celestial.
300 points, ended March 27, 2008, 15 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments? Constructive criticisms? Is the rhyme working? Does the last stanza fit? The last line?
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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This was so nice. I really enjoyed this. I think you really deserved that silver trophy. You are very talented. =) Keep on writing until you can't no more!
xXDCXx
~Make Peace, Not War~
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this is a very good write from you. so sad but so often is the case in love. one day, perhaps, the two shall meet and fulfill their dreams. you wrote this very well and i thank you for sharing it with me tonight. looking forward to reading more from you in the near future. viyanna rosemarie
ps--congratulations on the silver trophy you have earned with this write.
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I can't find any flaws, this is a very enjoyable, solid poem. I think the last line is awesome... I don't know, simple but somehow profound. I liked this a lot, good write! :-)
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NIcely written
I loved this poem because I love to watch the stars and wonder what's out there and you simply putting that into a poem and writing it in this structure and form and giving it meaning makes me like your poem even more.
I looke forward to reading more of your work :]
When you get a chance I hope you have time to stop by and check out some of my work and comment and just like you I love open criticism of what you think.
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it was beautiful like ships in the night that pass each other and will never ever touch or really no one another great write
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ooh!
this is interesting! love the picture too! simply stunning! >.< beautiful descriptions and wordings... painted such lovely pictures in mind! keep penning!
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I love this, I love poems about space. you really deserved a trophy for this it is wonderful.
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I smile reading this, not only because of how well you write the attraction, but because I am always caught stargazing at the moon with Venus in tow and also have penned a line or two inspired by them.
Sometimes that old moon is just a "baby moon laughing sideways" (Leslie Ann Parrish), Other times it's full out temptation that the lovely goddess just can't resisit.
And where would we poor mortals be without them?
I enjoyed this very much!
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very nice
a very nice descriptive write for the prompt . . liked "pale-gray warden of the skies" and "this coarse black blanket of distance" . . congrats on the trophy
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This is excellent. What a perfect response to the prompt.
The rhyme is working, it is subtle, as it should be in this, and does not seem forced at all. The poem reads very naturally. And what an interesting choice for starting the poem, "Oh you." Not something I see too much, but it is refreshing and fits the tone of this perfectly.
The wistful, sad, longing that you convey hits just the right note -- not too heavy, not too light. It is longing in understatement, which of course makes it more intimate and immediate. Your shouts go unmarked, but your whisper has every ear.
Quite the talent you have.
CaliOkie
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Star crossed lovers. So close but yet so far. Beautifully expressed with such longing and desire! You have captured the emotion wonderfully.
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Wow
Thank you so much for submitting this. It's absolutely beautiful. Lovely take on the prompt. I love it. I love the mood and especially how you used your words.
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This was beautiful and unique and I loved it... i like shakespeare too so I loved the romeo and juliet reference of the star-crossed lovers. Lovely
thanks for the beautiful read! -
a very good poem! i like it and i enjoyed reading it!
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The current critics have spoken and found that you deserve no faults, or are akin to Shelley. That's pretty good company and I would be silly to go against it. The lines that have been praised are deservedly so. In fact the entire piece has no room for criticism. I do not know your goals, perhaps they are to be immortal. If that be true I am not man enough to make that choice. I hope the rest of your credentials scream as loudly as this piece. RC
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I've written something similar to this, the inspiration for me was from Percy Shelley's poem. "Art thou pale from weariness, of climbing heaven and earth.... to find no object worth it's constancy".. Just trying to remember some lines from it. Good job here, as well. Kudos.
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I know you want constructive criticism but there is nothing wrong with this poem. It is lovely. It seems very romantic to me.
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I've nothing constructive to say about this, but I love this.
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Wow that was very awesome! My fave bit was this:
Each evening
rising up she tries...and fails to meet you.
Fades back at dawn and sighs...and vows to try again.
Nicely written, well done! ^^
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