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the Broken Dancer

I dance the dance or sorrow
I balance on the line of light
I move to the beat of my heart
I walk with a mask from my past

I will never discover the truth
I spin in the delight of light
I fall with the fear of death
I skip in the eye of darkness

I now I'm very skilled
I now i am a great dancer
I now i will not fear
I show what i had to answer

I understand i dance with grace
I understand i dance with power
I also know ill die today
I know i can dance for hours

I get what the music prays
I get the lyrics and sing along
I repeat the same song twice
I dance in repetition all night long

I fall once again
I don't get back up
I danced my last song
I danced my last life

I danced my spirit away
I danced my death to come
I took my mask
I reveled my face
I am left with nothing to see
I am left with nothing to say
I am left with no soul
I am left with a shameful face

I have danced my self to the grave
I have danced my life away

I am now broken
I will dance through death
but i will never revel my identity

Never again

http://lostinajungle.deviantart.com/art/The-Broken-Dancer-68217600


A contest entry

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Comments


  • N e a r
    March 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I agree with Ryno on the repetiton part. It was good at first, but the poem started to weaken after the first stanza. I think this is strong, and can be so much more stronger with some more detail and possibly vivid descriptions. This definitely has potential. Your message is powerful and nicely conveyed. Thanks for entering.


  • Ryno
    March 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I think that the first stanza started out really strong, but after that, the piece wasn't powerful enough and the repition began to not work.

    Think this piece would go well with some imagery, well some strong stuff and phrasing and some rhyme, or different line breaks.

    Other then that - great emotion - great messages and morals.

    Thanks for the entry

    Ryan


    • Suicide Hotline
      March 9, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanx for the help, thats what i ask for people to do. to tell me how to improve on my poetry but to be polite they say it rocked!!!, i want honest comments. Thanx!!!


  • oldphotosonlybringt
    March 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This was so freaking amazing
    this is so my fave from you darleing
    i loved everything about it nothing i didnt like
    keep this going, with lots of love

    ,,



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