Cry the pain of one thousand lives
Constricting fear within these eyes
They named me Witch for a crime never done
Called me Satan's Bride while I lay stunned
Their fist of hate and words of shame
All disgraced my beauty and my name
I never did a thing, all I did was cry
I loved the wrong man, and now I'm going to die
Falling deeper with their forcive thrall
Eternal scream from my gaping maw
Their torture for me is beyond compare
They rip out greedy handfuls of my auburn hair
No more please, just stop this I pray
I'm not the evil you said I am, what else can I say?
No more tears, please don't hurt me again
I did nothing for this I lived a life without sin
I'm led to the yard, hands and feet bound
I'm told not to speak, not to make a sound
I see the other girls, just like me
Some have been slain while the others just wait
They read out our names and ask us to beg for god
They tell us to pray for mercy that we never got
Tears wash my face, almost too weak to cry
I remember the words, "Don't speak or you'll die"
They assume us sinners because none would cry out
They turn us ablaze as the order is cast out
The executioner grins from behind his mask
He watches as we all squirm and burn this twisted dance
Lead me from here, take me home
I've been burned and raped, my mind is gone
With my spirit scream I call for you
I scream for the love in your heart to know that's true
They tore my flesh, my beauty's lost
They stole my dignity with little cost
Called me witch just for my love
Love I never got, just lost
Take me home angels, take me away
I want to see my home again
My family misses me, I can feel their tears
What was done to me surpassed all their fears
There it is, I see it now
My home, it's been burned to the ground
Author notes
A 16 year old girl, captured and killed during the Salem Witch trials
I would like to thank the user "trista" for helping me with this poem, she gave me alot of good grammer suggestions that really polished this poem for me. Thank you so much
Fenrir Rising
A contest entry
- Write me your best poem yet by Loveandblessings2u.
1500 points, ended March 16, 2008, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 5 options for the creative poet (21) by bananasfoster42.
525 points, ended March 11, 2008, 17 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrite contest - round 1 by serenity silvermoon.
929 points, ended October 12, 461 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark Emo Writes~All Welcomed by VampireKitty-.
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• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Very nice write poet. I liked the rhyme and the meter. Your word choices were picked nicely. Your imagery was great and the way you posted this just gave an intense feeling of sorrow for the little girl. Great job on this and good luck.
Josh
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This felt a lot like the book 'The Crucible'. That made this a little more enjoyable for me. Not that this wasn't good, no, it was an excellent write, it just helped me focus more on your goals and views for the theme. Excellent write and good luck in my contest.
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Intense storytelling here. Great job! Thanks for entering my contest! Good luck! I'm honored to have you show your work here!
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This has a very strong first stanza that takes you right in to the middle of a remarkable story. A great idea for a poem.
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Wonderful piece and the rhyme was very smoothly written - nicely done
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I found the stories that I have read on the witch trials very interesting. How innocent women were burned at the stake just because someone announced that they were witches. And of course none of them were. Very interesting write you have here. A few words misspelled. A few grammar errors. But all in all I must say that I did like this.
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Very intense.
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wow
this was so cool i loved it it was amazing -
The basis of your poem ...
is catchy and your first line certainly encouraged me to want to read more. I began noticing the typos right away and kept reading. I think that if you bothered to take Trista's suggestions (which are very helpful and good of her to go to that trouble to share) that you would have a good poem here. It is interesting and has value as a story poem. I also, as the judge, wish that you had read the 'rules' of my contest and hope that you do so if you enter future contests on AP. Take all of the comments to heart as your voice in poetry is unique! Thanks for the entry. joy
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Very thought-provoking...
and heart-and-soul-felt, but where is the Old Poet's inspirational poem, or at least the link, that this piece was supposed to have been written from? I noticed a couple of typos as well. The word "there" was used in place of "their" a couple times, and the word "too" was used instead of "to" in the last line of the poem. Good luck in this contest.
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I can add nothing to the critique of Trista except to say I would go back and read the rules of the contest. Good luck in the contest.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
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this is sad. but very awesome. I like how you don't have backgrounds. i think they'd take a lot away form your writing. keep it up your stuff is truly amazing and i'm jealous. i wish i could write lyrics like you even though these aren't lyrics i can imagine them as lyrics anyway.
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Very nice.... You really did capture the mood of how someone could have felt during this time in our history. This was a great write...
Thank you so much for entering and participating in my contest and good luck,
~Lumin -
wow. we've been reading some lit about the salem witch trials, but this really brings it to life. great imagery, flow. thanks for the entry!
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Reading this makes me feel like maybe you have a more personal interest in your subject than the average person would, almost as if what was done to these people (or this girl in particular?) is something you take personal. It could be because you've written from a first person perspective, but somehow it seems like it's more than that. In any case, it was very effective in bringing across a wide range of emotions, and really nicely done.
Your story could, IMO, use a weeee bit of tweaking here and there...but it kept my interest wonderfully and that counts for a lot. That being said, I have some suggestions for things you may or may not want to consider, that could shine this into the gem I see hiding just below the surface.
Not everyone thinks grammar is important, but paying attention to little details can really make a poem seem polished and finished...
"There fist of hate"
"There torture for me" In both of those, "there" should be "their".
“I'm lead (led) to the yard”
"forcive thrall” It took me a minute to figure out what word you were aiming for here, and once I did I would have sworn it was a word, just misspelled. I can find force, forced, forcer, forces, forceful, and forcible, but no “forcive” or even similarly spelled words. If it is a word, someone out there would have to help me out with how to spell it, because it‘s now driving me crazy.
“to know thats (that’s) true”
“burned too (to) the ground”
And though there’s nothing “technically” wrong...
In L6, “All undignified my beauty and my name”
“undignified” seems sort of awkward...cumbersome. Maybe something like, “disgraced (or demeaned) my beauty and my name” ?
They tell us to pray for mercy that we never got ("for mercy we'll never get", maybe?)
and:
"Tears wash my face as I'm too weak to cry" I feel there's kind of a big contradiction there...but I would guess you mean something like, "Almost too weak to cry, silent tears wash my face" ?
"They tore my flesh, my beauty's lost"
and a couple of lines later:
"Love I never got, just lost"
Using uncommon words more than once (but especially so close together and at the end of lines, as these were) is something that can take power away from the word itself, give it undue emphasis, make the poem seem awkward, or a combination of these things. It's something you might want to try and avoid unless done with a specific intent. With so many interesting words in the English language, don't be afraid to experiment and use a wide variety.
More than anything, I would love to see this trimmed down and the punctuation tweaked here and there. (I’ll spare you from my going over every comma and period though. ) Poetry gives us so many freedoms from the rules of prose, such as not having to write in “complete” sentences. Any time you can cut “filler” words that don’t lend impact to the imagery, story, or meaning of your poem, you have the potential to come out with something much more powerful and with a better flow.
Using the name "Annabelle" in the title gives your poem a very personal feel; it tells the reader this isn’t just nameless, faceless people this happened to, but someone with a name, someone who had real fears and pain. Your imagery is good throughout, but I especially love this line:
"He watches as we all squirm and burn this twisted dance"
That says a lot about human nature, and the way people can, sadly, actually enjoy another’s pain.
I think that line more than any other brought the horror across to me as I read.
What I love most is the tension you were able to keep from beginning to end. I don’t often see a story poem of this length that doesn’t start to drag in the middle, so again, great job on that.
I don’t usually leave critiques like this unless I’m judging a contest, but I see so much potential, and in so many areas, that I‘m compelled to leave the best comment I can offer. It is, of course, all just my opinion, so you can take it for whatever it is (or isn’t) worth.
Best wishes, and good luck in the contests and all your writing endeavors,
~J.
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Did this really happen,
if so it's very sad, makes me want to cry,
You have done very well with this piece
Very enjoyable.
Loveandblessings2u & yours always
Joyce :
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yes it did happen, hundreds, even thousands of young girls and women and even some men around the world for years were burned alive, drowned, beaten, stoned, and even tortured to death for apparently dealing in arts involving the supernatural. It's a very sad truth to history, I suggest you read some parts to "Salems Lot". It tells alot about it
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you do a really good job of conveying emotion, i also like the rhyme scheme. i just read the crucible and feel that this is a perfect portrayal of the situation. goodd write.
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really nice write. I enjoyed it. Thank you for taking time to enter my contest.
Kathryn -
This is good, i liked the sad story of it and ive read alot about the Salem Witch trials and how wrong they treated everyone.. and i think you captured that greatly
Bout the poem though, did you mean to mess up the ryhme scheme after the 2nd stanza, it changes kinda. just wondering
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yes, i do that in alot of my writing, i change the rhyme scheme alot, all my writing is meant to go along to music
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beautiful. i can feel the deep motion. great job.
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