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Treachery

Lambent evening glow
soft magenta night shade
deepening lavender to navy

Unmistakable scent
of long summer days
garden hoses and laughter

Steel anvil specters slide silent

  too are the crickets...




Author notes

Picture prompt inspired.
I gew up in the prairies, and it's always the most beautifully calm summer evenings that have the most spectacular storms.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • bird at rose
    May 6, 2008

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    feels so natural

    everything you wrote here, I could see what exactly was occurring. sounds like a memory poem with your author notes, but it still came out strongly.

    had to look up the word, "lambent," but right as I started reading the definition I knew that tornadoes sweep slowly across the field. I like how you didn't use the word, "tornado" but showed us a more gentle take of signs of storms instead on the prompt. these lines just made me clap: "soft magenta nightshade deepening lavender to navy." you so captured the sloped darkening of colors at twilight in this particular season that I myself can prove each year.

    also felt the pleasure of dew, plants and the moistening of the night in lines 4 and 5, that struck me in those extended, intense smells. you were specific there, so I enjoyed even more. love the type of poetry that actually has more imagery without being dark or anything, just the beauty of nature, which you emphasized by your writing.

    ooh, you wowed me with the proper description in your last two lines with so much idea that turns into a photo. in perspective, the storm is like it's watching when to sneak through the big boom, but the insects are protective too. so, there's kind of a trap lol, but it's good for you that you get a warning other than from the news. though, I too love the hard sound on the roof of the loudest rain and stuff... just as long as nothing is much more scarier! thank you for the creativity using a slow-going report given to me in this poem, especially with the finish couplet I just spoke about.

    I can't think of a signature, but that's nothing that insults what your words told me,
    PIA-K


    • ParadoxFry
      May 7, 2008

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      Wow! Thanks so much for your very thorough and thoughtful comment. So few take the time!

      I’ve been having trouble with the last two lines… I still find them awkward, but I’m glad the intended effect is there. It just doesn’t have the flow that I intended, and when I re-read it, it feels slightly disjointed, and not in a way I intended.

      I think I might be able to fix it by adding the word ‘so’ in front: ‘So too are the crickets’

      I’m honored that this piece features on your poet page, and that it was so able to touch you.

      Thanks!


  • BellaD
    March 19, 2008

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    Love the imagery provoked by "garden hoses and laughter" subtle and powerful at the same time. Question on "nightshade"...isn't this, one word, a type of plant? Nice job.

    • ParadoxFry
      March 20, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Ammended. Thanks for pointing that out.

      living there was a little poisonous though... maybe it was subconsious. =)

      Thanks for reading!


  • Roaddog Wolf
    March 4, 2008

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    well good write but the way it is written it is 29 words but think you missed a space between "nightshade"

    Thanks for the entry and good luck in the contest

1 - 6 of 6