We look up as the soft and pink petals fall around us
The soft wind blows the petals around
They land in the murky puddles as they purify their deadly look
A petal falls in my hand and smells so sweet.
As I smell the sweet nectar I think about how we once were.
As I walk down the old pink path together that one last time
Now we sit together under the sakura tree and watch the wind
blow us away.
Night came and we were gone and now the stars are the petals
falling from the sky.
By day they are pink and falling freely with no care.
By night they are bright and shining, what you don’t
hear is the star’s eternal cry.
A contest entry
- A Secret Place by The Green Elf.
375 points, ended November 13, 2008, 22 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites by leander.
730 points, ended November 30, 2008, 147 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Everything you want! by xxvampyregirlxx.
490 points, ended December 20, 2008, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What does it tell you? or to you what does it mean?
Comments
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This is really a truly amazing poem. The imgarey is so realistic it's amazing!
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I really, really like the alliteration you have used throughout this poem. That is - next to metaphors and creativity - one of my pet peeves when it comes to poetry in fact. Next to those metaphors there are also some clichés, what I don't really like in poetry, but it's not something to go deeper into.
You have portrayed quite some emotions throughout these line, and that's good. I also tend to like the shorter poems more than the longer ones, so you did fine with that as well.
The only remark I'd like to make is that you use some words too frequently in this short poem, with the word 'petals' on top. Using too much the same word takes away from the strength a power can hold in my opinion, and I think there are other words, ways to say basically the same thing...
Thank you for entering the contest!
Leander -
ohhhhhhhhhh
this is a wonderful beautiful darling amazing poem!! It makes me feel sad and happy at the same time, you have a real gift!
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